tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58749848977082786482024-03-12T21:55:52.952-04:00Ophelia Explains It AllOpheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.comBlogger586125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-53199887616858381302014-05-02T16:03:00.004-04:002014-05-02T16:03:37.878-04:00Zzzzzzzzzzzzzing!Sometimes, the simplest jokes are the best.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yte7kzzzfro/U2P6DbhGEjI/AAAAAAAABN8/SjZavY71esQ/s1600/1513337_460320974072206_823504030_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-yte7kzzzfro/U2P6DbhGEjI/AAAAAAAABN8/SjZavY71esQ/s1600/1513337_460320974072206_823504030_n.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
<br />Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-1875305326949636312014-04-25T13:58:00.003-04:002014-04-25T14:01:35.483-04:00It finally happened.On Wednesday, April 23, 2014, I made money from my writing for the first time in my life. <br />
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I cashed in a savings bond that I received circa 1994 for an essay contest I won in the 6th grade about American inventor Alexander Graham Bell. It was worth $53.40.<br />
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I immediately spent $10.14 of said earnings on an overpriced salad for lunch. $9.99 of it went later that day towards a bottle of wine that I was too tired to drink, which remains in my fridge. Today, $4.28 of it bought me a pretty decent sandwich. Would have been a great sandwich with a little salt. <br />
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In a moment, I shall go spend $1.93 of it on a cup of coffee.<br />
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Living the high life of an award winning writer over here! <br />
<br />Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-22089998121968029632014-04-10T11:47:00.002-04:002014-04-10T11:53:15.644-04:00More Lifetime Movie Reviews with Sam!The other evening, I came home from dinner with a friend to find Sam on the couch. He was, of course, watching Lifetime. As soon as I walked in the door he hollered, "<i>PETALS ON THE WIND</i>, BABY!"<br />
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"What the hell is <i>Petals on the Wind</i>?" I replied.<br />
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"The sequel to <i>Flowers in the Attic</i>!"<br />
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<i>Flowers in the Attic</i> is a deeply disturbing book about lies, betrayal, religious fervor, child abuse, and incest. Even more disturbingly, it is a book for young adults. Lifetime recently did a made for tv movie adaptation of this shudder-inducing novel, and Sam watched it multiple times. Here, ladies and gentlemen, is Sam's review of Lifetime's <i>Flowers in the Attic</i>:<br />
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"One of my favorites! Terrifying! Positively Dickensian!<br />
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My favorite parts? Well, you know, the grandmother - she was a fully realized character. You feel sorry for her. At the end when she gets locked in the stairwell, she's really HUMAN in that moment.<br />
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That girl from Mad Men did a pretty good job. The brother was a disappointing casting decision. <br />
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This was like<i> Sound and the Fury</i> meets <i>Wuthering Heights</i>! Oh look, it's coming on again tomorrow!"<br />
<br />Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-36768965057287811362014-04-10T10:33:00.000-04:002014-04-10T10:33:01.202-04:00New Candidate......for best amenity detailed in a Craigslist post.<br />
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<i>"THE DOOR BELL WORKS."</i><br />
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Sign me up, baby! Man, if I could just combine this apartment where the door bell works with that other one that had both a front AND a back door, I'd really be living the high life.Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-71188625901455859082014-03-31T09:54:00.000-04:002014-03-31T09:54:43.205-04:00This apartment ad will be hard to topThis just may be the best housing ad I've come across yet!<br />
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<i><b>BYWATER 4 REAL.</b></i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>U seen lots of dumps, this ain't one of them, few places to rent, they r
all AIRBNB, come home to me, I am owned by seasoned RESPONSIBLE owners,
I am 5 rooms big , lovely sitting porch to view sunsets and cocktail,I
am by ALL the cool spots, pets and smoke choke the goodie out of me, for
$1025 rent, $ 1025 deposit , 1 yr lease, why not date me and get the
key to my door, don't wait dear heart, at the way things going I'm gonna
go fast</i><br />
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This is basically the exact location I'd like to be in. This woo-rific ad may just win me over.Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-6879631910208542682014-03-26T16:37:00.001-04:002014-04-10T10:35:04.873-04:00Butt TeethOnce upon a Saturday night, my friend Eric was tanked. We were walking down the street and he pointed out a young woman whose much-too-tight pants were creeping into her rump.<br />
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<i>"It's like her own butt is eating her pants," </i>he said, in the tone of a man who delivering some very deep thoughts. <i>"What we really need, you see, is butt teeth. Like, if our butts had a set of teeth that could just clamp down on the pants and stop your ass crack from eating them. Yep. Butt teeth."</i><br />
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And then he laughed til he cried.<br />
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ANYWAY, here's a kid who also knows about butt teeth!<br />
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<a href="http://gawker.com/little-kid-recites-every-bad-word-he-knows-1550433022">Via Gawker. </a>Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-91011957057554704432014-03-24T16:06:00.000-04:002014-04-10T10:34:49.545-04:00Amenities! Location! Searching for an apartment online, while largely depressing in terms of securing housing, is very fruitful in terms of gorgeous photos of great places to get murdered. It is also interesting to see what alluring amenities landlords and leasing agents chose to share to draw in the discerning renter.<br />
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Here are some selections from today's Craigslist perusal for housing:<br />
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<i>house close to school chunch grecory store,bus stop,flead market</i></div>
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<i>Hurry This Beauty Won't Last! </i></div>
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<i>Mr. Luke comes to do the yard every other Monday. </i></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Dv2HjsJ6KvM/UzCPnFeAC_I/AAAAAAAABMQ/qfC29PRITso/s1600/bath.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Dv2HjsJ6KvM/UzCPnFeAC_I/AAAAAAAABMQ/qfC29PRITso/s1600/bath.jpg" height="223" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i>About three miles from Walmart. </i></div>
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<i> The apartment has a front door and a back door.</i></div>
Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-82764435064697387832014-03-20T10:29:00.001-04:002014-03-20T10:29:34.890-04:00Overheard in New OrleansMy dear husband and I were in New Orleans a few days back, walking back to our hotel after a lovely dinner. We were near the arena where the Pelicans play, and the game had just ended so the streets were full of fans. We passed by a young man in his early 20s having a telephone conversation. As we walked by, we heard him say:<br />
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<i>"Yeah, I don't know what was up with him. At halftime he just goes, 'My butthole hurts. I'm going home.' And he just left."</i><br />
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This is how I will announce my departure from everything from now on. Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-3745773810711766032014-02-10T21:07:00.000-05:002014-02-10T21:09:07.278-05:00Lifetime Movie Reviews with SammyMy husband has recently become enamored with Lifetime movies. It all began when he was channel surfing during the holidays and stumbled upon a gem called <i>Christmas on the Bayou</i>. Lifetime offered the following summary of this made for television original:<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>When successful New York marketing executive Katherine discovers her
workaholic ways are taking a toll on her eight-year-old son, Zac, she
decides to spend Christmas with him and her mother, Lilly in her home
town on the bayou. When Caleb tries to rekindle a childhood romance and
convince her to move back home, Katherine is torn between the bright
lights of the big city and the quiet, gentler rhythms of her Southern
roots. Only a Christmas miracle orchestrated by Papa Noel can steer her
heart to her true home. </i><br />
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"Well this sounds fun!" said Sam, and thus we watched it. I thought it was pretty lame. Here is Sam's review for <i>Christmas on the Bayou</i>:<br />
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"An instant holiday classic! A treatise on the rise of urban capitalism and the decline of small town values and family. Money can't buy you happiness! Felt like I was on the bayou with them. C'est si bon!<br />
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I liked that the romance was a slow burner and you weren't even sure they'd get together, and that they both vacillated in their feelings. Realistic.<br />
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And then there's the happy marriage of Boo Radley and Santa Claus in the character of Papa Noel!<br />
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I didn't like the kid. But I did like that even after Papa Noel gave him the courage to sing at the concert in front of everyone, he didn't magically become a good singer. He was still terrible. He was awful.<br />
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This is my favorite Lifetime movie!"<br />
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He says that cause we've watched quite a few since then... more Sam thoughts to come. <br />
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<br />Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-14399774095794322712014-02-03T11:49:00.002-05:002014-02-03T11:50:27.947-05:00Brief Encounters with Drunk DudesOn Friday evening, I was walking home along U Street after a lovely concert, thinking about how much I love my city and my neighborhood... when some fratty looking dude in khakis and boat shoes came stumbling out of some nondescript bar, bellowing about how much he wanted a jumbo slice.<br />
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"UGH," I thought to myself. "U Street is SO. OVER."<br />
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I followed him and his crew a couple of blocks down the street. As they approached the Metro, an elderly homeless dude, who I am guessing was drunk because he had clearly pissed his pants, caught sight of this group. He looked at them with disdain and proclaimed, "I AM SO SICK OF ALL THESE FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE!"<br />
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Me being me, I burst out laughing. The elderly man turned his attention to me and said, "Except for the REAL white people. You REAL, lady." Then he squinted at me and observed, "Wait, you ain't even white. You Latina!"<br />
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Thanks, U Street, for reminding me that you do have a bit of character left. Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-15494378077949360452014-02-03T11:38:00.002-05:002014-02-03T15:09:01.479-05:00When Mannings lose, everyone wins!I was not particularly invested in this year's Super Bowl. The Seahawks annoy me for no good reason other than the beat the Saints twice this year, and Pete Carroll seems like an uber goon. I have nothing against the Broncos, but my Manning-hate is well documented on this blog, so I obviously could not root for them. This year, I was mostly in it for the snacks and booze.<br />
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That said, seeing Peyton Manning <a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjkiebus/times-peyton-manning-looked-super-duper-sad-during-the-su?bffb">look uber sad</a> for 3 hours was pretty satisfying! Things got off to a rollicking start with a safety in what I believe was the first nanosecond of the game.<br />
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And the fun just continued from there!<br />
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Bonus SAD ELI! My favorite Manning to see sad!<br />
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And that's all I have to say about the Super Bowl. New Orleans Saints start their regular season in 213 days! Not that I'm counting...Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-63447840057320527122013-12-09T11:42:00.001-05:002013-12-09T11:42:53.626-05:00Baby, it's cold outside!Warm up any way you can.<br />
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<br />Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-59951658207247018542013-05-16T16:11:00.001-04:002013-05-16T19:55:53.543-04:00A poemHere is a poem I wrote when I was 8 and spent several hours sitting on my rump in my neighbor Shelly's wading pool. I was wearing my dance leotard and didn't change into a swimsuit because, duh, the leotard LOOKED just like a swimsuit. You will note this poem is an <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acrostic">acrostic</a>. High artistry, right here.<br />
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"Butt Rash"<br />
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Butt rash is red.<br />
Usually feels dead.<br />
Totally crummy. <br />
Taking energy out of your tummy.<br />
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Raking over your butt.<br />
Always making you feel like you're stuck in a rut.<br />
She or he, it will make you flee.<br />
Happening of it will make you say, "Oh gee!"<br />
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<i>Fin.</i>Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-1440752793517725552013-05-15T08:43:00.003-04:002013-05-15T08:43:37.543-04:00I got a new Twitter followerHere he is:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oBL_I_asX1c/UZOC37MJ14I/AAAAAAAABG0/8wGEqt1Fwy0/s1600/Jason_Porter_-_I_Got_these_Cheeseburgers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oBL_I_asX1c/UZOC37MJ14I/AAAAAAAABG0/8wGEqt1Fwy0/s400/Jason_Porter_-_I_Got_these_Cheeseburgers.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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How in holy hell did this person find me?!Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-25519581876387116482013-05-14T09:21:00.001-04:002013-05-14T09:21:21.818-04:00What's up?Hey y'all. What's up?<br />
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Not too much is up with me. Just sitting, chilling. Being a sloth.<br />
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<br />Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-7505166706245819672013-05-02T11:40:00.000-04:002013-05-02T11:40:18.531-04:00Sleepy Sam SpeakIt's been a while, but Sam provided me with some very quality sleepy speak the other morning when I bid him adieu. <br />
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Me: Bye, I'm going to work!<br />
Sam: I wish we had a puppy.<br />
Me: Really? What kind of puppy?<br />
Sam: The kind that's good for playing.<br />
Me: What would you name it?<br />
Sam: Either Business, or Excited!<br />
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I plan to hold him to this conversation. We are going to get a Corgi named Business and a Basset Hound named Excited:<br />
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I hope this means he'll stop talking about wanting a cat.Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-31934071670186305052013-05-01T22:38:00.002-04:002013-05-01T22:38:35.080-04:00I got a new computer!The very first thing I Googled on it was "Channing Tatum's dog's name." Please send help.Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-34043914838315912942013-04-26T13:44:00.001-04:002013-04-26T13:44:20.841-04:00A business ideaI'm too lazy to start this, but you should take this idea and run. Syd and I said years ago that what the average office needs is way more puppies. What the world needs is a business that will bring a basket of puppies to offices, and the workers can play with them for an hour or so to relieve stress and build camaraderie. The puppies would be pups in need of good homes and be available for adoption.<br />
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Seriously, how great would it be if this showed up in your sad little cubicle?!<br />
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For an extra fee, the business would also bring ice cream sundaes. <br />
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Back to work in my critter and dessert free cube now...Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-54437399083575333242013-04-22T13:54:00.001-04:002013-04-22T13:54:59.170-04:00Happy Earth Day!Everything is just better in England. <br />
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<br />Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-90275584962441294212013-04-11T10:51:00.000-04:002013-04-11T10:51:08.189-04:00Jump starting the blog with a random photo dumpOccasionally I get reminded that there are a few folks out there who actually read and enjoy this blog. Thank you, dear devoted readers! I've been sleeping on the blog as of late - the Muses have not been speaking to me for some reason. <br />
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But, though I haven't been posting on the blog, I never stop thinking about the blog. Here is a collection of random photos I have saved to post on the blog, but can no longer remember why:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GiotjWNlB_A/UWbNZ3iPAQI/AAAAAAAABEo/U6pXG_SfdBo/s1600/50+shades.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-GiotjWNlB_A/UWbNZ3iPAQI/AAAAAAAABEo/U6pXG_SfdBo/s400/50+shades.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0TSOnCTa0_8/UWbNcdH-EOI/AAAAAAAABEw/KU1b6H5G_rs/s1600/laughing+otter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="287" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0TSOnCTa0_8/UWbNcdH-EOI/AAAAAAAABEw/KU1b6H5G_rs/s400/laughing+otter.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-An-sLABea7c/UWbNeIJAKSI/AAAAAAAABE4/pC1fLdJUFds/s1600/pee+in+the+woods.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-An-sLABea7c/UWbNeIJAKSI/AAAAAAAABE4/pC1fLdJUFds/s400/pee+in+the+woods.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mkXqn09lkoM/UWbNf47R6EI/AAAAAAAABFA/UJPl5t7mZl8/s1600/pizza+rolls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mkXqn09lkoM/UWbNf47R6EI/AAAAAAAABFA/UJPl5t7mZl8/s400/pizza+rolls.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rvV3l_1NXY0/UWbNlKAZMkI/AAAAAAAABFQ/iACILoWE5g0/s1600/rita.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="336" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-rvV3l_1NXY0/UWbNlKAZMkI/AAAAAAAABFQ/iACILoWE5g0/s400/rita.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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And just like that, THE BLOG IS BACK IN ACTION!Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-26840669616820213472013-03-05T08:58:00.001-05:002013-03-05T08:58:26.910-05:00America!I got sexually harassed by the barista at the Starbucks in my building yesterday, so I guess I'm never going there again.<br />
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Luckily, this is America, and there's another Starbucks across the street. Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-5683217110530463662013-03-01T12:38:00.000-05:002013-03-01T12:38:03.561-05:00Can someone please change Justin Bieber?He's filled his diaper and needs a new one.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Yz15gXboZw/UTDnWfN2bjI/AAAAAAAABEY/0DhRQIlvD8E/s1600/bieber+dipes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5Yz15gXboZw/UTDnWfN2bjI/AAAAAAAABEY/0DhRQIlvD8E/s400/bieber+dipes.jpg" width="290" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/lyapalater/who-sagged-it-better-justin-bieber-or-this-baby">Via</a>. Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-48402164066082904692013-02-26T11:30:00.000-05:002013-02-26T11:30:08.030-05:00PerseveranceI'm sure I've posted before about the first time Sam turned me down. We were in London on two different study abroad programs, and had met through mutual friends. I thought he was the dreamiest of dreamboats. We'd bonded over our mutual love of Faulkner. I'd drawn him a map of Mississippi on a cocktail napkin. I'd given him my very best eyelash batting longing looks. As far as I could tell, it was ON. So one night when we all went to indie rock night at the bar around the corner, I asked him to dance... and he said no. <br />
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"It's not that I don't want to dance with YOU," he said. "I don't want to dance with anyone." And I knew he wasn't talking about a dance, but was trying to let me down gently. I played it cool. I knew I'd get him to dance with me eventually.<br />
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And eventually I did... I just had to let him pick the song. <br />
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Happy anniversary, Sam. There's so much more to you, and to me, and to us, than I ever could have imagined on the dance floor of that dingy basement bar a decade ago. I love you.Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-28735199367719184392013-02-25T11:49:00.003-05:002013-02-25T11:49:53.444-05:00Sad faceThe Dunkin Donuts at 14th and U is suddenly closed. I realize I should not make fun of this sign, because those composing it probably do not have English as their first language... but the combo of the grammar and the sad face is pretty great:<br />
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I made one for my blog, since I so rarely update these days:<br />
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I'm trying to do better! <br />
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<a href="http://www.popville.com/2013/02/dunkin-donuts-at-14th-and-u-st-nw-temporarily-closed-friday-for-imminent-dangers/">Via</a>. Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5874984897708278648.post-26793784607962023012013-02-25T11:30:00.001-05:002013-02-25T11:30:37.119-05:00Crackerjack police workSam and I were coming home Friday evening, and as we approached our block we saw that the street was cordoned off with caution tape and there was a cop car with the lights flashing sitting in the middle of the street. As we proceeded down the sidewalk and made the turn onto our block, we had the following exchange with a policeman:<br />
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Policeman: You can't go down there.<br />
Sam: We live down there.<br />
Policeman: You do?<br />
Me: Yes.<br />
Policeman: Oh. Okay.<br />
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He didn't even check our IDs to make sure we did, in fact, live there. Nicely done, DC Five-0! Opheliahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08804372036825149351noreply@blogger.com0