No Dignity

When you can finally get a Pandora station to play things you actually want to listen to almost exclusively, it is just so awesome.  Recently when my brother-in-law was shithoused, he started yelling at me about how passe Pandora is and how I need to use Spotify instead.  Quite literally, he was hollering, in a restaurant.  It was not so great.

This all leads me to my point, which is that I have gotten myself a truly great Pandora station that plays Blackstreet's "No Diggity" a lot, which was my favorite song in about 8th grade, although I thought the title was "No Dignity." It really didn't change the message of the song at all.

Mama hates Mannings!

In honor of Mama's birthday, I have created some very special photos for her using that bastion of quality design, Microsoft Paint!

Happy birthday, Mama, and may you have many more years of Manning-hate ahead of you!

It's my Mommy's birthday!

I love my mama to the moon and back, y'all. I miss her every day and I hope to goodness that in the coming years, we'll figure out some way to live closer to one another.

Today is her birthday, and I hope she gets everything her heart desires - starting with a nice drink!



And for Christ's sake, Daddy - take the woman to a petting zoo so she can hang out with a goat!

A Modern Stopette Story

One of my family's favorite things to do is recount stories we've told countless times before, and laugh as hysterically at them as we did the first time. Growing up at good old number 339, there were many tales that were the stuff of legend - ones Goo and I would beg our parents to tell us again and again. Things like the details of one of Mama's high school boyfriends who took her to watch tv at the department store for dates, or the time Daddy saw their neighbor come home drunk, be unable to unlock his door, and subsequently scratch his butt and pick his nose on his front porch. But nothing - NOTHING - beat what was known as 'The Stopette Story.' I can never get all the details right, but basically when a close relative who may or may not have been my father was in his early teens, he got his close friend to defecate in a box. He then sprayed the box with Stopette brand deoderant, wrapped it up, and gave it to his cousin for her tenth birthday.


Anyway, I was just channel surfing and landed on this Donald Glover stand up special on Comedy Central, and he told what I consider to be a latter day Stopette type yarn. Enjoy, readers!

Songs from Goo

One of the many benefits of having an older sister like Goo has been the awesome music to which she's introduced me. While my classmates were listening to garbage modern country radio slop or - I kid you not - Christian rock (welcome to rural Mississippi!), Goo was playing me Nirvana, Sonic Youth, PJ Harvey, Beck and the like. Of course, at the time this only served to make me even more weird than the other kids, but later in life it helped me pretend to be marginally cool! Thank you, Goo!

She just texted me to remind me of another musical genuis she brought into my life - DR. HOOK.



Mmm, nothing like a slow jam on a Friday night.

Favorite swears

I've just come to the realization that long swears appear to run in my family! My dad's favorite swear (usually directed at inanimate objects that get in his way) is:

GODDAMNSONOFABITCH.

My favorite swear (usually directed at emails I receive from morons) is:

SHITFUCKHELLDAMN.

What's your favorite swear? Do you like them short and sweet, or do you string together several words for a triple or even quadruple whammy of damnation? Inquiring Ophelias want to know!

Kitty Wells is 92 today!

My dad does a lot of random singing around the house, and one of his favorites to croon is 'Gathering Flowers for the Master's Bouquet' by Kitty Wells. Imagine my surprise to discover that not only is Kitty still alive and kicking, today is her 92nd birthday!


Happy birthday, Kitty! I'm sure Larry will holler this great tune extra loud in your honor today.

Pro tip: Take the window seat

Haven't been blogging much lately, as my 7 readers may have noticed. People are continuing to fall down all over the place, and baby animals haven't ceased to do stupid cute stuff, but my mind has been elsewhere as of late. First my mom almost died. Then my uncle actually died. It's all been really, really sad and shitty! And then on my flight home from my uncle's funeral, some guy was putting his suitcase in the overhead bin and dropped it square on my head. It hurt a lot! It was like the physical equivalent of my emotional state, though, so it was also kind of funny!

Anyway, the moral of all this is - take the window seat, where douchebags can't drop things on your noggin. And also go here to watch the trailer for the Muppets movie, which is fun.