Can someone please change Justin Bieber?

He's filled his diaper and needs a new one.

Via.

A near miss

As embarrassing and disheartening as it is to totally screw something up, sometimes I think it can be worse to get everything nearly right and just barely miss out on your goal.  I thought that last week as I was watching those poor sad Russian gymnasts weep over getting a silver medal in the team finals at the Olympics.

I also thought it when I saw this picture:

Sigh.  You'll get it next time, kitty!

A photo of a smiling fluffy corgi puppy

This seemed like as good a way as any to start off a Friday.

True story: I was walking home past the dog park and saw the cutest corgi, and said "Hello, Mister Corgi!" through the fence and he smiled at me and then took a massive crap and even with waste coming out the back of him he was still freaking adorable.  These are truly remarkable animals.  

Could be worse

When I was a child, Reading Rainbow was my jam - and James Stevenson's Could Be Worse! was one of my very favorite books from the show.  In it, a grandfather spins a wild tale of misadventures, from an encounter with an abominable snowman to being chased by a blob of preserves, to make his grandchildren feel better about their current problems. On a day when I am feeling down in the dumps and being, I'm sure, insufferably whiny, I thought it prudent to make my own version of ways things COULD BE WORSE!

I could be on an airplane next to a fat dude with no pants:

That would be worse.

I could be employed as an elephant poop collector:

That would be worse.

I could still have my unibrow:

That would be WAY worse.  That thing was awful.

I could be Tyler Clippard.  EMBARASSING!



Oof.

Y'all got any other ways things could be worse?  Share them in the comments, please!

From the files of truly awful commercials

Speaking of public (and ought to be illegal) dumping, have y'all seen this totally horrific Luvs diaper commercial where babies take giant cartoon poops and get rated on them?



IT IS DEPLORABLE.  I may hate it even more than those Charmin commericals, which are a disgrace to both toilet paper and bears.  Luckily I am not the only person who thinks this diaper commercial stinks to high heaven.  From Time magazine:

A Consumerist reader poll officially declared that Luvs Diapers’ “Poop, There It Is” commercial is the Absolute Worst Ad in America.


The ad, which features an animated baby talent show where the judges assign scores based on how much fecal matter each of the three grunting tots can dump into their diapers, earned slightly more than 32% of the vote.

Parents, do not buy these diapers, and if your child is really crapping that much, return it to the store and demand a new model, cause there is something wrong with it. 

When you gotta go...

DC neighborhood blog Prince of Petworth has just shared this sign someone posted in the Mount Vernon area, which is not too far from my place.

I've only seen someone poop in public* once, but I see people pee in public quite frequently.  What's the strangest thing you've seen someone do in broad daylight in front of, as we like to say down south, God and everybody?

*I recently proposed to Sam that we get rid of some furniture by leaving it on the sidewalk with a 'free' sign on it and he said, "But that's illegal dumping!" and I lol'd so hard cause I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

A Modern Stopette Story

One of my family's favorite things to do is recount stories we've told countless times before, and laugh as hysterically at them as we did the first time. Growing up at good old number 339, there were many tales that were the stuff of legend - ones Goo and I would beg our parents to tell us again and again. Things like the details of one of Mama's high school boyfriends who took her to watch tv at the department store for dates, or the time Daddy saw their neighbor come home drunk, be unable to unlock his door, and subsequently scratch his butt and pick his nose on his front porch. But nothing - NOTHING - beat what was known as 'The Stopette Story.' I can never get all the details right, but basically when a close relative who may or may not have been my father was in his early teens, he got his close friend to defecate in a box. He then sprayed the box with Stopette brand deoderant, wrapped it up, and gave it to his cousin for her tenth birthday.


Anyway, I was just channel surfing and landed on this Donald Glover stand up special on Comedy Central, and he told what I consider to be a latter day Stopette type yarn. Enjoy, readers!

Kim Kardashian, please fire your publicist

Here is Kim Kardashian at the opening for a bathroom in New York.


Really giving new meaning to her nickname of Kim Kardassian. And oh wait, she can't fire her publicist cause it's her mom. Guess she'll have to keep hanging out with shit-filled bears.