It's Super Bowl time, y'all! Super Bowl Sunday is truly a great day to be an American - it's all about cramming your face with meaty, creamy, cheesy foodstuffs, guzzling beers, and watching oversized dudes slam into one another on purpose for sport. I think Sam and I will be watching at home this year, and I'm planning to make a shredded buffalo chicken concoction in my new slow cooker (officially old: I am deeply excited by my new slow cooker).... but I think he'd much rather be enjoying the game with these guys:
A pair of workers at a frozen food distribution center outside of Atlanta, Ga., made off with $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings earlier this month, according to cops in Gwinnet County.
Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson, who both worked at the Nordic
Distribution Center, allegedly backed a rental truck up to the back of
the loading area at the center and loaded 10 pallets of Tyson frozen
chicken wings onto the truck. The pair then made off with the poultry,
but were seen by management, according to a police report obtained by
ABC News.
Investigators at the Gwinnet County police department arrested Patterson, 35, and Jackson, 26, a week later, on Jan. 23.
Sam loves wings more than most things, and I'm pretty sure these two dudes are now his heroes. $65,000 worth of wings! How many people were they planning to feed? Also, how in God's name did it take the police an entire week to arrest them?
I've just about grown weary of the Olympics, folks. I watched the women's gymnastics team finals and thoroughly enjoyed them, and got emotional when the 'Fab Five' won gold. But that was a week ago and this crap is STILL. GOING. ON. NBC is also airing the events in a maddeningly idiotic fashion, showing you 10-15 minutes of one event, switching to another, then another, and so on before finally getting back to whatever it was you turned on the television to see in the first place. I want to watch diving, NBC. I do not want to watch beach effing volleyball.
Anyway, here are a few of the things still bringing me pleasure as the Olympics drag on:
1) McKayla Maroney's fantastic bitchface.
She literally causes jaws to drop with her cutting looks (and, you know, incredible vaulting skills).
This young woman is strong, beautiful, self-possessed, at at a mere 16 years old SHE WILL CUT YOUR ASS IF YOU MESS WITH HER. Love this kid!
2) The continual display by Michael Phelps of wonderfully moronic facial expressions.
Another complaint I have about the Olympics is that there is way too damn much swimming (look, it's the 50 meter! and the 100 meter! and the 458 meter! WHO WILL WIN?! WHO GIVES A SHIT, GET OUT OF THE POOL AND DRY OFF.), but all those breaststrokes do give us the opportunity to see Phelps look like a total goon.
"BLEEP BLOP HERP DERP DORP." - Michael Phelps, 2012.
3) The delightful Dong Dong!
Look at that sweetheart! This year I learned not only that trampoline is an Olympic sport (as opposed to being the backyard death trap moms everywhere insist it is), but that its greatest athlete is named DONG DONG. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see this live, because after suffering through about three hours of events I didn't give a rat's ass about and hoping NBC would throw me a bone (a dong dong, if you will!) and show some trampoline, I gave up and watched some Say Yes to the Dress. No dongs of any kind on that show, just FYI.
4) This photo that's been making the rounds on Facebook of divers mid-execution photoshopped onto toilets.
Speaks for itself.
5) Ryan Lochte's interview skillz.
By far the best thing to come out of the London Olympics is this video of Ryan Lochte.
Ryan's got to go now, as he is late for his Mensa meeting.
As embarrassing and disheartening as it is to totally screw something up, sometimes I think it can be worse to get everything nearly right and just barely miss out on your goal. I thought that last week as I was watching those poor sad Russian gymnasts weep over getting a silver medal in the team finals at the Olympics.
Y'all, if you're not following Jose Canseco on Twitter, you need to get on that right now. This man alternates between asking deep, probing questions about the meaning of life and dropping planet shattering truth bombs all over the place. Just recently, in fact, he had some truly thoughtful insights on the fate of that doomed vessel, the Titanic:
You can't make this shit up. Pure gold, right here. Never change, Jose!
HOORAY! It's spring training time at last. It's only a matter of weeks until you will be sitting in the sunshine, sipping a cold beer, and watching your favorite baseball team play America's game. But whatever goes down during the regular season is going to have to work really hard to top 2011's Most Badass Baseball Moment:
This is Brooklyn's Mitch Davie at a Braves-Jays spring training game in Florida, catching a bat that flew into the stands WITH ONE HAND. All those other losers cowered in fear, but Mitch stepped up to the plate - AS IT WERE - and grabbed that bat like it weren't no thang... and didn't even spill his Red Stripe while doing so. Kudos to you, Mitch Davie! You're an American icon.
When Facebook first came into being, Oberlin was among some of the first schools to gain access to it. I remember clearly the summer afternoon Pete and I created our Facebook profiles. Pete listed 'newspapers' and 'quotes from athletes' among his interests. Here are some of his faves: “But can’t nobody (mess) with me. I’m like toilet paper, Pampers and toothpaste. I’m definitely proven to be effective.”-Shaquille O'Neal, very large basketball player
“If y’all see me in the news, and I make the news for something that I ain’t got no business making it for, don’t bash me. Just say it was a young man living.”-Clinton Portis, running back for the Washington Redskins
"The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."-Carl Everett, baseball player
"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."-Drew Gooden
And here's one courtesy of moi. This is my favorite interview with an athlete ever:
Sadly, Bart and his boys lost their chance to go to the Super Bowl. I CAN'T WAIT to see what you do next time around, Bart!
Friends! I don't have a ton to say about football this time around, actually. The Saints beat Dallas, which was awesome, but I couldn't watch because it was Thanksgiving and I had to go eat Chinese food (don't ask). The Redskins had another depressing, embarassing outing that I don't even want to go into. In great news, though, Peyton Manning got his arse handed to him by the Chargers. I don't much care about the Chargers one way or another, but I love seeing a Manning fail, so I had a lovely Sunday evening.
Finally, this happened at the Packers game:
What a great sport. What a great country, y'all. God bless us, everyone!
Friends, Sam was off last night, and we settled in for some Monday night football. It was the Skins, Sam's fave! And they were playing their divisional rivals, Filthydelphia! This was sure to be one hell of a game.
It was not one hell of a game. Something like 10 seconds in, the Eagles scored after pit bull hater Michael Vick threw an 88 yard pass. It was all downhill from there. It was like the Skins were dogs, and Michael Vick was... well, Michael Vick. It pretty much looked like this for the next several hours:
Pardon the unfortunate pun, but WOOF, that was brutal.
I know you are relieved! Here are my comments on FOOTBALL. 1) Redskins loss to Texans - :( 2) Saints beat some random team from the West Coast no one cares about - :) WOOOO GEAUX SAINTS WHO DAT DREW BREES IS HOT TESTOSTERONE OTHER MANLY COMMENTS 3) This:
Erotic.
And that's all I have to say about football this week. Back with more scintillating commentary next week, readers!
Growing up I couldn't stand football. In the deep south it's all anyone seems to give a hoot about, and since I was determined to have nothing to do with the place from whence I came, I said 'NO THANK YOU' to football for years. But then I moved in with a guy who really, really likes to watch football. And lo and behold - it turns out I ALSO like watching football! I'm not entirely sure why - though the basic tenets are easy enough for a goon like me to grasp, there are a lot of really random and obscure rules that mean I often don't entirely understand what's going on. The announcers generally annoy the bejesus out of me. I find the cheerleader aspect pretty gross. So what's the appeal?
OOOH LAWD! Perhaps it's inadventently homoerotic moments such as this.
My fiance is a big fan of soccer (I'm an American, I'm not going to call it football, cause I'd just sound like a jerk). Needless to say, the World Cup was on pretty much nonstop at our house... and sadly, I paid zero attention until the very end. And what I was missing, it turns out, was the extreme hotness of the Spanish team. My stars and garters, these men are easy on the eyes! I mean, seriously, check out this GQ emmer effer:
Yowza! However, Sam doesn't really like to hear me talking about other men being attractive, which is understandable. So let's turn our attentions instead to one Fernando Torres, who plays for the greatest soccer club known to man, and of whom Sam thinks highly:
Well well! My dear best friend and I have found ourselves on opposite sides of a bitter divide. Our respective men are supporting different teams in the World Cup final! Syd's boyfriend is backing Holland, and Sam is all about Spain. What to do? How will our friendship survive when this chasm separates us?! I'm off to put my feelings of woe into a script for the next Lifetime Original Movie, Vuvuzelas Between Friends: The Syd and Amelia Story.
The original artist of the Touchdown Jesus, which sadly met its maker (Ed. note - HA!) earlier this week, has very generously offered to design a replacement! Fingers crossed that this statue will suggest some more unusual sports than football - I'm hoping for biathalon Jesus, myself.
Also, here's a shot of the Touchdown Jesus on fire, and I'll be gosh darned if it don't look like the Rapture:
HOLY SMOKES (and thanks to friend A-Woww for that amazing pun)!!
