My husband's ideal theft

It's Super Bowl time, y'all!  Super Bowl Sunday is truly a great day to be an American - it's all about cramming your face with meaty, creamy, cheesy foodstuffs, guzzling beers, and watching oversized dudes slam into one another on purpose for sport.  I think Sam and I will be watching at home this year, and I'm planning to make a shredded buffalo chicken concoction in my new slow cooker (officially old: I am deeply excited by my new slow cooker).... but I think he'd much rather be enjoying the game with these guys:

A pair of workers at a frozen food distribution center outside of Atlanta, Ga., made off with $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings earlier this month, according to cops in Gwinnet County.

Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson, who both worked at the Nordic Distribution Center, allegedly backed a rental truck up to the back of the loading area at the center and loaded 10 pallets of Tyson frozen chicken wings onto the truck. The pair then made off with the poultry, but were seen by management, according to a police report obtained by ABC News.

Investigators at the Gwinnet County police department arrested Patterson, 35, and Jackson, 26, a week later, on Jan. 23.

Sam loves wings more than most things, and I'm pretty sure these two dudes are now his heroes.  $65,000 worth of wings!  How many people were they planning to feed?  Also, how in God's name did it take the police an entire week to arrest them?

And speaking of things with wings - GO RAVENS!!

Via 

Birthday bash!

My friends and I THREW DOWN on Friday night for my birthday, rapidly-gettin'-old-style! First we went to see a high school dance performance, and then we ate some pizza, and then we went home and went to bed! In all honesty, it was exactly the kind of night I wanted to have - quality time with some of my favorite people, maw stuffed with 'za, a couple of glasses of wine, and a warm bed. I did get a bit nuts by double fisting the cupcakes:


PARTY ON!

GOURD SOURCE: Issue Three

Deeply disappointing: Pete does not like GOURD SOURCE. He says it is not at all what he was looking for, and that he was hoping for more "gourd research." I found this rather annoying, but he is a solid 50% of my readership, and I must give the readers what they want.

Pete: hola
me: what's shakin
Pete: listening to my new favorite band
me: what's that
Pete: http://www.thegourds.com/
me: !!!
Pete: you're tellin' me
i have a dumb question
me: shoot
Pete: do people eat gourds?
me: I DON'T KNOW!!!!
i also have that dumb question!
let's ask google

We got distracted by other things that day - specifially, what Google will autofill when you type in 'do people'* - and this remained unanswered. Let's see what we can find out!

The always reliable Yahoo Answers replies, "Yes you can eat gourds in your garden, however, I prefer to eat them inside my home, preferably in the dining room or dinette area. The last time I ate gourds in the garden I got stung by a bee." We've got a joker here, people! I don't think we can trust his answer.

The suspicious sounding Ping Ming Health states, "Bitter gourd is suitable for those who have heat in their body or during hot seasons. If you have diabetes type 2 and with the symptoms above, bitter gourd is suitable for you to eat." I'm pretty sure everyone who is alive has 'heat in their body.' I don't believe Ping Ming either.

Ask.com, which I was surprised to find still in existence, offers "Gourds are not edible they are used as decorations, I have seen them used as birdhouses, bore a little hole in the fat body part of the gourd and hang it from a tree." Fair enough, but learn how to write a proper sentence, friend.

Finally, we have The Gourdfather! He says no, don't eat your gourds. I trust him because he has an awesome name, his website offers books with titles like A Step by Step Guide to Gourd Crafts, and he makes fantastical gourd art like this:


That's it for this issue of GOURD SOURCE, readers. Remember, don't eat gourds! Instead, make weird things out of them!

*Examples of things Google will autofill in this instance include:
do people live in antarctica
do people get hurt on wipeout
do people still use pagers
do people eat placenta
do people poop when they die

Logistics

I mostly love living in an urban area where I do not need a car - it saves me a lot of money, I don't have to drive (I hate driving and am horrible at it - just ask the bevy of mailboxes and side mirrors I've plowed into!), and I never have to worry about parking. But one annoying thing about being carless is that I am always thinking about the issue of how to transport things home, namely groceries. This sweet doggie is also faced with the challenging logistics of carrying home his foodstuffs and getting them into his house:



Via Videogum.

What is the big deal about the McRib?

Every few years, the commercials return, blaring the news that 'MCRIB IS BACK!!!' Who are the people who are excited by this? Who are the people who were missing the McRib? I've never had one but the thing looks disgusting to me. I decided to poll my friends about the McRib. Here are some of the responses I got:

It's made out of pig anuses!!!

Delicious. But you know I'm biased! (Ed. note - this respondee is about to marry someone who works for the McDonald's Corporation)

Nasty as s#!^. I liked it when i was 5. tried it again recently. No me gusta.

I'm really confused about how it looks like ribs but there are no bones!

A culinary miracle.

i don't understand what it is. is it meat shaped to look like ribs?

NOPE.

delish

McHeartburn

McVomit

I feel like it's probably a pretty good thing. I like that it looks like a rack of ribs but there's no actual bones. I think that's neat! Are you getting all this? Do I need to repeat anything for you?

People talk about it too much.

Where did the bones go? Why are there no bones?

DELICIOUS!!

(barrrrrffffff) (pause) (baaaarrrrfffff)

What a divisive food-like substance the McRib has turned out to be! For the record, I think they are frightening, as I do all McDonald's food. Have y'all seen those McGriddle things? They have 'pockets of syrup.' What the hell is that?!

Found on Boston Craigslist

This gem from the interwebs was sent to me by my dear friend Johanna. It's a posting from Boston's 'for sale' section on Craigslist:

Chocolate Chip Boot - $10 (Boston Area)

A chocolate chip cook in the shape of a antique boot with a flare jean. ten dollars or best offer. its a once and a life time deal. its a rare item.


$10 for a single cookie? WORTH EVERY PENNY!

Just got sent this, sans commentary

...by Sydney, who sends me all the best things.



That is all.

Sleepy Sam Speak

Conversation I had with mah hubs this morning while he was sleeping:

Me: See you tonight! I'm going to work.
Sam: You can tell me... address?
Me: You want to know your address?
Sam: No, YOUR address.
Me: I live on T Street, same as you.
Sam: But... what about the peas?
Me: You want me to bring you peas?
Sam: No, the peas for LATER!
Me: Yep, see you tonight.

Fin.

A very greedy chipmunk

Sounds like a Beatrix Potter tale, doesn't it? This is Eleanor, a chipmunk who lives in the backyard of Great Britain resident Lynne. Eleanor is a major eater and likes to cram her mouth cave with as much food as possible. I can relate!


You saucy minx, Ellie! You keep on eating that corn. Life's short.

A text message exchange

Sam: Cashion's order - 2 goats. 30 cheese. 20 goose eggs. 3 pork belly. Thank you!
Me: I don't think you want me to order those, do you?
Sam: Oh shit.

Syd brings it: Condiments

Sydney continues to bring it by sending me some of the best the internet has to offer. This time, it's a series about the history of condiments. The mustard article alone is worth the price of admission (i.e. clicking on the link and taking 5 minutes or less to read the article)! Controversially, they suggest that barbeque sauce is not a condiment at all! What are your thoughts, readers?

Anyone have a CSA share?

Vegetables, not Confederates. I'm thinking of joining one for the summer. It would be so nice to have tons of...


Wait, what? Oh no, I don't want that. I shall stick to the grocery store.

Via

It's almost royal wedding time!

I seriously cannot wait, y'all. I'm gonna get up at 5:00am to watch! I have not yet broken this news to Sam. Anyway, look - someone found Kate Middleton's image in a jelly bean!


I knew she was like a lil' gumdrop from Jesus!!!! LOVE HER!

I'll go calm down now.

Wedding whoops

We ran out of beer at our wedding. We should have bought more! Mama pointed out that maybe it was cause the Oberlin table looked like this:


We also ran out of bourbon, cause the restaurant folks were present, and they don't believe in leaving bourbon behind. That I should not have bought more of, as one person got on the shuttle to the after fete and seemed to think she was on a party bus, as she would not stop screaming. Luckily it was a short ride.

Speaking of trashy whores...

Sydney and Pete, two of my most alert readers, both sent me this today:

'B****, your pancakes look fine to me': Video of catfight over maple syrup in Denny's goes viral:


Now, this seems like overdoing it to me. My guess is that as they were at Denny's, this probably was not even real maple syrup, but the fake Mrs. Butterworth's type crap. Not worth it, ladies.

A similar situation, but much more understandable, happened much farther south. Hersha Howard of Naples, Florida attacked her roommate Jasmine, because the bitch stole her Thin Mints! Check out how irritated poor Hersha looks:


This is exactly how I would look if someone took my Girl Scout cookies. The violence in this case is totally justified.

Sam and his toaster

Sam loves toasted things. I hate toasted things, because they scratch the roof of my mouth and make me fussy - thus, I have never paid much attention to the state of our toaster. I finally noticed it was in a very sad condition several months ago, when Sam and I were registering for wedding gifts. "Oh thank God," he cried. "Can I get a new toaster!?"

Sam's toaster is one he picked up at one thrift store or another many years back. It has two settings: 'Dark' and 'Pop Tarts.'


NOTE - This is not our toaster. Ours is cleaner than that... though not by much.

The Pop Tarts toaster has grown less and less effective over the years - now, it barely toasts things at all, and the lever that keeps the bread inside no longer works. When poor Sam wants some half-assed toast, he has to stand in the corner and hold down the lever manually. "Sam," I will say of a Saturday morning, "can you pour some tea?" "No," he replies mournfully. "I am stuck here toasting this bread."

So, the boy is in sore need of a new toaster, and we have registered for one - but no one is buying it! Toasters are such a boring and cliched wedding gift that no one wants to purchase it. On and on Sam stands in the corner, pushing his kitchen-scarred fingers down on the Pop Tarts toaster and wishing for well-toasted bread...to no avail.

I need one of these right away, please

Via

This one's for the food lovers

Do you know anyone who doesn't like cheese? I just know one such person. She's a total sack of crap. Cheese is the best, and so is Tumblr Cheese People. Let's check it out, shall we?


So good.

Sam dreamed a dream

So Sam awoke yesterday morning, and immediately told the following to me:

I had the best dream! I am so sad it was not real. I dreamed I was at the Wilderness Battlefield, and they were having a barbeque and Greek food festival! There was this old Greek man way in the back. He was preparing a giant shrimp on the flat top, which was so giant it was bigger than our bed. He was covering it in pork and little shrimps. Then he asked me if I wanted something special from the chef, like a little tasting menu. But then when he gave me the thing it was raspberry Pavlova. So, things really ended on a bad note.

Sam has the best dreams.

Pete is horrible

Well. I was just having a conversation with Pete about the University of Southern Mississippi's inclusion in the Beef O'Brady's Bowl this month. We were both wondering who Beef O'Brady was. Quick research showed us that Beef O'Brady's is, in fact, a deeply wretched looking chain of 'family friendly Irish pubs' that do not have hard liquor, or any Irish food whatsoever. And then Pete did this:


Pete is horrible, and horribly funny. If I appear on the Beefy's website, you'll know who is responsible.