Highlight from a Greenwood wedding

Someone in my hometown got married recently and had a really stellar groom's cake. 

That is an Auburn University Tiger.  From this we can conclude that the groom is a smart man, as Auburn is a good school, but not a genius, as he made the decision to have a cake that looks like it's touching itself.

All the best wishes to the happy couple!  

I gotta get these wedding write ups off my desk...

So here in one last dump of grooms cakes and Ole Miss themes, are the final highlights from the Mississippi Magazine Bridal Registry issue, each from a different - but ELEGANT! - Mississippi wedding:

The groom's table featured a three-dimensional strawberry cake of a largemouth bass jumping out of a lake and embellished with fondant fishing lures.

The highlight of the evening was the bride's rendition of 'Smile' by Uncle Kracker, sung to her surprised groom.

The groom's cake showcased his love of duck hunting with a chocolate cake layered with shotgun shells. The billiard table, draped in brown linens with a camoflauge runner, featured a duck centerpiece and a chocolate bar.

The couple arrived in a 1938 Packard at a reception hosted by the brides' parents at the Country Club of Jackson. The club was exquisitely decorated... the groom's cake was chocolate with fondant icing in the shape of a golf bag adorned with the Masters logo and Colonel Reb.

Following a honeymoon at Sandals, the couple is at home in Chunky.

Some people don't care about the royal wedding

This flower girl, young Grace van Cutsem, is one such person:


Cheer up, Grace! This is a happy occasion!

The wedding of William and Catherine

...as told via text messages sent between me and Whitney this morning.

Whit: Just watched Chelsy Davy walk in. Her couture looks like it could be from the Fashion Bug. Trashy ho.
Me: HA! Just tuned in! Kate looks radiant even through the car window.
Whit: That dress is perfect. I yelled to mom "Oh my God it's Grace Kelley!"
Me: It so is.
Me: Damn, Harry looks hot!
Whit: I am crying right now. Jeez.
Me: It's like Maria from the Sound of Music!
Whit: YES. It's f*cking perfect.
Me: Oh wow. Amazing shot of the abbey from above!
Whit: I would have passed out by now. Go Kate go!
Me: Also great dress on Pippa - classic but sexy!
Whit: I JUST said to my mom, THAT is how you do a bridesmaid's dress.
Me: Now I am crying too. They look so in love.
Whit: I could never be this excited about my own wedding! Is that weird?
Whit: But I'd like a dress like that to wear around the house.
Me: Yes, it is weird. And yes, you would be this excited about your own!
Me: HA! Did you see Princess Bea's hat?!
Whit: Oh I LOVE those girls.
Me: Why are there nuns there??
Whit: Um, I think Church of England has nuns, but I don't know the rules. Henry VIII didn't change stuff when he took over, he just wanted the Pope's land.
Me: And more bitches.
Whit: Can I just say I love my mom? She broke out her wedding china for us to drink tea and eat scones upon!
Me: That is adorable!
Whit: Ugh, now I have to go do my hair. WHY didn't I take off work today?!?!
Me: Eugenie's rack looks huge! And I'm surprised you didn't.
Me: Just wear it in a ponytail!
Whit: Too short, got it cut Tuesday.
Me: You planned this poorly.
Me: Why are they back at the front again?
Whit: They have to sign the big book in the chapel of Edward the Confessor at some point.
Me: Haha, you love that part!
Whit: I love all the parts! I cried when I visited Westminster.
Me: :) The Dean's Yard is one of my fave places in London.
Whit: I'm SO sad I'm not there.
Me: Wonder if Harry is pissed he has to sit by Camilla?
Whit: I think Harry is still half-asleep.
Me: Remember his flower arrangement on Diana's casket that said 'Mummy'? Broke my heart.
Whit: I can't even think about it.
Me: THEY ARE GOING TO SIGN IT!
Me: OMG, going thru the arch into St James Park, they had about two seconds when the crowd couldn't see them and they didn't have to wave - and they held hands. SNIFFLE!
Whit: I love them.

Fin. And hopefully they live happily ever after!

A magical evening... of racism

So this Mississippi wedding write up is a real zinger, y'all! This one took place in Brandon, MS last year, and it is just chock full of intricate details and white supremacy! Things start off fairly reasonably:

The bridesmaids wore formal two-piece strapless gowns of boysenberry satin with A-line skirts and ivory lace overlay bodices. The carried sandalwood fans adorned with fuschia and ivory roses.

Sounds normal enough, right? Ugly, but pretty run of the mill. THEN:

The couple exited the church to "Dixie" while the groom waved his red Ole Miss pom pom.


The couple was then whisked away from the church in a white horse drawn carriage to the beautiful historic gardens of Wisteria Hall in downtown Brandon, where the bride's parents hosted a true southern Mississippi reception.

As the buggy pulled up to the antique brick walkawy, the couple entered the gardens to "Tara's Theme" from the movie "Gone With the Wind." It was truly a fairy tale setting and a lifelong dream of the bride.


Dream big, ladies!! It's not noted in the write up, but after dinner the guests enjoyed a lively impromptu meeting of the White Citizens Council 2.0 - Insidious Racism for the 21st Century.

Even more Mississippi wedding write ups!

This wedding was in Jackson.

The happy couple was showered with bubbles and guests rang tiny wedding bells as they left the chapel in an antique 1938 Packard. Following the ceremony, a reception was hostred by the bride's parents that was a truly magical step back in time. Upon entering the ballroom, a vision of opulence awaited you. Lighting was dramatic and perfectly highlighted the bride's sentimental points of focus. Antique chandeliers from the family's personal collection hung throughout the venue to create a dreamlike ambiance.

The fabulous groom's cake was a work of art. Displayed beautifully on an antique desk, an edible stack of law books, cell phone, pen and legal brief were all made of chocolate peanut butter cake, depicting the groom's profession.

I knew I shoulda gotten Sam a spatula cake!

It's almost royal wedding time!

I seriously cannot wait, y'all. I'm gonna get up at 5:00am to watch! I have not yet broken this news to Sam. Anyway, look - someone found Kate Middleton's image in a jelly bean!


I knew she was like a lil' gumdrop from Jesus!!!! LOVE HER!

I'll go calm down now.

More Mississippi wedding write ups!

I've written before about what a massive deal weddings are in my home state of Mississippi. In my hometown paper, for example, a page of the Sunday edition is taken up each week with details of recent weddings. These things tell you about the elegant, DESIGNER dress of the bride, the huge, beautiful flower arrangements, the tapered candles creating a romantic glow inside the church... and on and on. But these things are small potatoes compared to the write-ups in the annual Mississippi magazine Wedding Registry edition. People spare no expense to get their top dollar wedding into this thing ($1095 for a two page spread, $695 for a meager one pager)... and my sweet Mama had a copy waiting for me on my most recent trip home! In the coming weeks I will be bringing you all the highlights. Here is a favorite of mine from a 2010 wedding in Magee, MS:

The reception was held at a local catfish house. Guests were delighted by the traditional Southern fare... a 175 pound roasted whole hog, a carved steamship round... the salad bar featured a catfish ice sculpture surrounded by oysters on the half shell and boiled shrimp.

The groom's table, the conversation piece of the reception, was a ten-foot-long aluminum boat that held a four-foot-long red velvet cake in the shape of a motley catfish.

You can't make this crap up!

Wedding whoops

We ran out of beer at our wedding. We should have bought more! Mama pointed out that maybe it was cause the Oberlin table looked like this:


We also ran out of bourbon, cause the restaurant folks were present, and they don't believe in leaving bourbon behind. That I should not have bought more of, as one person got on the shuttle to the after fete and seemed to think she was on a party bus, as she would not stop screaming. Luckily it was a short ride.

A Recent Convo

Conducted with dear friend Lindy via GChat:

Rachel: how's the week for you thus far
me: hectic and stressful on all fronts
Rachel: I had this really funny movie that played in my head of you talking to someone next week and this is how it goes
Setting: a break room like in the office
Office Dude: Hey Amelia what's up?
Amelia: Oh nothing much Office Dude, how was your weekend.
OD: fine went to a killer bar and got blitzed
you?
A: I GOT MARRIED BITCHES!!!
me: hahahahah
Rachel: and scene
me: can i put this on my blog?
Rachel: yes you can

Sam and his toaster

Sam loves toasted things. I hate toasted things, because they scratch the roof of my mouth and make me fussy - thus, I have never paid much attention to the state of our toaster. I finally noticed it was in a very sad condition several months ago, when Sam and I were registering for wedding gifts. "Oh thank God," he cried. "Can I get a new toaster!?"

Sam's toaster is one he picked up at one thrift store or another many years back. It has two settings: 'Dark' and 'Pop Tarts.'


NOTE - This is not our toaster. Ours is cleaner than that... though not by much.

The Pop Tarts toaster has grown less and less effective over the years - now, it barely toasts things at all, and the lever that keeps the bread inside no longer works. When poor Sam wants some half-assed toast, he has to stand in the corner and hold down the lever manually. "Sam," I will say of a Saturday morning, "can you pour some tea?" "No," he replies mournfully. "I am stuck here toasting this bread."

So, the boy is in sore need of a new toaster, and we have registered for one - but no one is buying it! Toasters are such a boring and cliched wedding gift that no one wants to purchase it. On and on Sam stands in the corner, pushing his kitchen-scarred fingers down on the Pop Tarts toaster and wishing for well-toasted bread...to no avail.

Fun with RSVPs

The RSVPs for our upcoming wedding are trickling in, slowly but surely, and people are definitely having fun with them. While some folks go the traditional route of just checking off 'will attend' or 'will not attend,' others have been adding notations such as 'will attend WITH BELLS ON!!!!' or 'will not attend and I'm so bummed about that. Please have 7 cocktails for me.' By far the best response we've gotten, however, was from a college friend of Sam's, who simply sent a facebook message stating:

"MOTHERF*CKER I AM COMING TO YOUR WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I'm so glad he's going to be there.

Wedding hair solved!

I've been fretting about what to do with this mop of hair on my noggin for the wedding. Well, I'm still not sure, but I know where to go to solve this problem!


Marvelous.

News good and bad

OMG Y'ALL WILLIAM AND KATE ARE GETTING MARRIED ON APRIL 29, 2011 AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY!!!!!!!!!! ROYAL WEDDING!!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALS!

One couple that was married on April 29: Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun. YIKES.

Wills Wedding Watch

Massive news today - Prince William, heir to the throne of the greatest country in the world (Fun Ophelia Fact: I'm a total Anglophile) is ENGAGED! The lucky lady is one Kate Middleton, who I know little about other than I covet her hair. Seriously, does she give hair lessons? I need hair lessons. But back to the happy couple! I've been obsessed with the British royal family for as long as I can recall, and you can bet that OEIA will be teeming with coverage of these impending nuptials in the months leading up to this all-important union... starting with my own personal history with the man known as Wills.

When I was around 12 or 13, shortly before Princess Di passed away, I noticed something - her eldest son, William, had grown up quite a bit... and William was HAWT. I swiftly developed a hardcore crush on him, and concocted what I thought was really a pretty reasonable scheme for how to meet him. I already had plans to move to London and become the most celebrated actress on the theatre scene. I knew that William's pops, Prince Chuckles, was a patron of the arts, so surely his son would be as well. It was only a matter of time before Prince William would come to see me play Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (totally reasonable dream role for an aspiring tween actress to want to portray), be so stunned by my amazing performance that he would demand to meet me immediately, and fall in love with me at first sight. His grandmother would have objections, naturally, but she would come to love me - along with the whole of British society. William and I would then marry, be in love forever, and I'd have really effing great hair.

That didn't pan out. A few years later, I realized I wasn't a very good actress, and decided to major in English instead. And I did go to London, and I met an incredible person named Sam. He didn't fall in love with me at first sight, but I wore him down eventually.

Anyway, major soft spot for William, and I'm so happy we are getting married next year, but not to each other!

Next Wills Wedding Watch post - who the heck is this Kate Middleton, and what kind of conditioner does she use?

The other thing keeping me busy

...is,of course, the wedding. Save the dates are in the mail, a wedding website has been started, and I hired a wedding planner to help me with a lot of the questions of decor, food, wine, and not looking like a tacky a-hole. Luckily, my taste in clothing is impeccable. I've been able to narrow down my dress options to two choices, but I am now at an impasse. Gentle readers, can you please help me decide which of these two gorgeous gowns I should wear at my upcoming marriage to one Mr. Sammy Sue?

Option A:

Option B:

What do you think, folks? Please share your thoughts in the comments. And remember - we're going for tasteful here!

Wedding photography

I am mildly concerned about my upcoming wedding photos. I can't stand to look at pictures of myself - the older I get, the less photogenic I become. However, as long as they come out looking like this, I won't complain.

Cake wreck

My dear old friend David and I were talking today about people we knew from high school who are now married (which is pretty much everyone from high school, it seems), and I started looking on Facebook at photos from the weddings of some of my former classmates. I was absolutely shocked to come across the following photo of a groom's cake - because I truly thought, for several seconds, that it was a cake in the shape of a toilet seat:


And a dirty one at that. Turns out it's a horseshoe, but I'm just going to keep on pretending it's what I thought.

Blush and bashful!

Sydney and I had a big outing on Saturday - we went shopping for bridesmaids dresses for the first time. Since I got engaged and started planning this wedding, people have been asking me what my 'colors' are. Apparently, in addition to needing a 'theme' (pretty sure the theme is marriage, people), a wedding must also have 'colors.' This always makes me think of Steel Magnolias when the girl who croaks says her colors are blush and bashful, and I can't really take the idea too seriously. Sydney was on the same page - the two dresses we liked best were a dark purple number and a grey job whose color name was 'gunmetal.' Sydney very helpfully pointed out that if I went with grey and purple, my 'colors' could be... GUNMETAL and BRUISE. That takes care of the 'theme' too - PUNK RAWK WEDDING!!!

I'll take two, please!

Sooner rather than later, Sam and I will have to get to work on a whole lot of details for our upcoming nuptials. One of the many things we'll have to tackle is the creation of a wedding registry. I've got mixed feelings about the tradition of wedding registries, so I have not been looking forward to this task - until today. BEHOLD, readers, the first item that will be going on the list:


Class in a glass! Thanks to Michael K at Dlisted for bringing this, and so many other magical things, to my attention.