Highlight from a Greenwood wedding

Someone in my hometown got married recently and had a really stellar groom's cake. 

That is an Auburn University Tiger.  From this we can conclude that the groom is a smart man, as Auburn is a good school, but not a genius, as he made the decision to have a cake that looks like it's touching itself.

All the best wishes to the happy couple!  

Jesus and donuts

I really enjoy being friended by folks on Facebook with whom I went to, say, elementary school.  Or took a canoe trip with in the 9th grade.  Or met one time while volunteering at an animal shelter in college.  You know the type - you barely know this person, but they friend you, and you go with it and then they update ALL. THE. TIME.  My personal fave of these in my own news feed is a gent with whom I've not spoken since the 6th grade.  He posts multiple times a day, and all his statuses concern either the Lord or pastries.  Occasionally he throws in some platitude of his own he's dreamed up.  Here are just a few recent examples!

Therefore, accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that GOD will be given glory. - Romans 15:7 - Happy Wednesday!



Whoever pursues righteousness and kindness will find life, righteousness, and honor. - Proverbs 21:21



If someone breaks your heart just punch them in the face.
 
DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM!!! Someone up there is really looking out for me!!! :D #YesYesYesYesYes



Always be yourself, this world has no room for copies.
 
My boss surprised me with a donut this morning........ #YesYesYesYesYes :)



Remember the past, plan for the future, but live for today, because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. #EverydayIsAGiftFromGOD



Looking for that white and red box to be in the break room. Hoping for that white and red box to be in the break room. Wishing for that white and red box to be in the break room. JACKPOT!!! :) lol. #GettingMeADonut


I seriously love this guy.  I also hope he brings me a donut, like a good servant of the Lord.

Unusual Town Names: Panther Burn, MS

Not too terribly far from my hometown lies a tiny Delta hamlet with a most unusual name: Panther Burn, MS.


I wanted to share tons of great facts about Panther Burn with you, my dear dedicated 6 readers, but there are just not very many available. All I got was that it's unincorporated but does have a post office, it is on Highway 61, and it is near the also wonderfully named Nitta Yuma and Rolling Fork. I did stumble across some fascinating non-facts on this conspiracy theories website, in a thread titled 'Does Satan live in Panther Burn, MS?' The consensus seems to be that he does not, as Satan would choose to live somewhere much nicer than Mississippi.

So, my mom had a minor heart attack. Nuts!

It totally sucked and was really scary, but she's fine now and her heart looks super awesome and her arteries look so amazing they are basically like tiny Heidi Klums snaking all over her bod. Also amazing - cardiologists apparently use their iPhones to take photos of people's innards, cause that's what the doctor used to show me photos of my mother's innards. While he was showing me the photos, a text popped up that said 'So do I induce seizure?' and the doctor sighed and rolled his eyes and gave me this look that was like 'Can you believe these morons I have to put up with?' and I gave him a look back that was like 'Do you seriously make these sorts of decisions via text message on your iPhone?'

Anyway, many many thanks to the doctors and nurses at Women's, River Oaks and St. Dominics Hospitals in Jackson, MS for saving my mother's life and providing the Sams fam the chance to come together and discuss important issues!

Mama: Can you explain to me why Justin Bieber's hair looks like that?
Me: Well, he cut it off recently. It's a lot more normal now.
Mama: Thank God. He looked ridiculous.

I gotta get these wedding write ups off my desk...

So here in one last dump of grooms cakes and Ole Miss themes, are the final highlights from the Mississippi Magazine Bridal Registry issue, each from a different - but ELEGANT! - Mississippi wedding:

The groom's table featured a three-dimensional strawberry cake of a largemouth bass jumping out of a lake and embellished with fondant fishing lures.

The highlight of the evening was the bride's rendition of 'Smile' by Uncle Kracker, sung to her surprised groom.

The groom's cake showcased his love of duck hunting with a chocolate cake layered with shotgun shells. The billiard table, draped in brown linens with a camoflauge runner, featured a duck centerpiece and a chocolate bar.

The couple arrived in a 1938 Packard at a reception hosted by the brides' parents at the Country Club of Jackson. The club was exquisitely decorated... the groom's cake was chocolate with fondant icing in the shape of a golf bag adorned with the Masters logo and Colonel Reb.

Following a honeymoon at Sandals, the couple is at home in Chunky.

A magical evening... of racism

So this Mississippi wedding write up is a real zinger, y'all! This one took place in Brandon, MS last year, and it is just chock full of intricate details and white supremacy! Things start off fairly reasonably:

The bridesmaids wore formal two-piece strapless gowns of boysenberry satin with A-line skirts and ivory lace overlay bodices. The carried sandalwood fans adorned with fuschia and ivory roses.

Sounds normal enough, right? Ugly, but pretty run of the mill. THEN:

The couple exited the church to "Dixie" while the groom waved his red Ole Miss pom pom.


The couple was then whisked away from the church in a white horse drawn carriage to the beautiful historic gardens of Wisteria Hall in downtown Brandon, where the bride's parents hosted a true southern Mississippi reception.

As the buggy pulled up to the antique brick walkawy, the couple entered the gardens to "Tara's Theme" from the movie "Gone With the Wind." It was truly a fairy tale setting and a lifelong dream of the bride.


Dream big, ladies!! It's not noted in the write up, but after dinner the guests enjoyed a lively impromptu meeting of the White Citizens Council 2.0 - Insidious Racism for the 21st Century.

Even more Mississippi wedding write ups!

This wedding was in Jackson.

The happy couple was showered with bubbles and guests rang tiny wedding bells as they left the chapel in an antique 1938 Packard. Following the ceremony, a reception was hostred by the bride's parents that was a truly magical step back in time. Upon entering the ballroom, a vision of opulence awaited you. Lighting was dramatic and perfectly highlighted the bride's sentimental points of focus. Antique chandeliers from the family's personal collection hung throughout the venue to create a dreamlike ambiance.

The fabulous groom's cake was a work of art. Displayed beautifully on an antique desk, an edible stack of law books, cell phone, pen and legal brief were all made of chocolate peanut butter cake, depicting the groom's profession.

I knew I shoulda gotten Sam a spatula cake!

More Mississippi wedding write ups!

I've written before about what a massive deal weddings are in my home state of Mississippi. In my hometown paper, for example, a page of the Sunday edition is taken up each week with details of recent weddings. These things tell you about the elegant, DESIGNER dress of the bride, the huge, beautiful flower arrangements, the tapered candles creating a romantic glow inside the church... and on and on. But these things are small potatoes compared to the write-ups in the annual Mississippi magazine Wedding Registry edition. People spare no expense to get their top dollar wedding into this thing ($1095 for a two page spread, $695 for a meager one pager)... and my sweet Mama had a copy waiting for me on my most recent trip home! In the coming weeks I will be bringing you all the highlights. Here is a favorite of mine from a 2010 wedding in Magee, MS:

The reception was held at a local catfish house. Guests were delighted by the traditional Southern fare... a 175 pound roasted whole hog, a carved steamship round... the salad bar featured a catfish ice sculpture surrounded by oysters on the half shell and boiled shrimp.

The groom's table, the conversation piece of the reception, was a ten-foot-long aluminum boat that held a four-foot-long red velvet cake in the shape of a motley catfish.

You can't make this crap up!

A great deal on a hotel room

On Tuesday, Mama, Daddy, Goo and I were returning from lunch at one of our very favorite places, The Crown Restaurant in Indianola. Indianola is another small Delta town not too far from Greenwood, and is the birthplace of B.B. King. While heading out of town, I noticed that the sign at the Indianola Travel Inn, the type of motel that always boasts it has both air conditioning and HBO in its rooms, had lost a key letter. The sign read:

ENJOY FREE HO IN ROOM.

What a steal of a deal!

A quotable teacher

Being back in Mississippi has flooded Goo and me with memories of our youth, as it always does. Goo recalled earlier this week a marvelous saying from her 5th grade teacher, who was a staunchly religious woman. If anyone in class was heard taking the Lord's name in vain, the teacher would fix the offending party with a cold stare and say, "God won't help you, but he WILL strike you down!"

Let's all start saying that, yes?

Letters to Santa

Every year on Christmas Eve, my hometown newspaper publishes a charming little booklet called 'Letters to Santa,' in which local products of the public school system show off their reading and writing skills by composing missives to St. Nick detailing what they'd like for the holidays. The arrival of this publication is always greeted with great delight in my household. I'd like to share some of this year's highlights with you. These are reproduced exactly as they appear in the paper.

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is Call of Duty bay blade yo-yo Dsi game Chrouler Modr siki with a red man Nurf gui with a stiky buit.
Love,
Lousious

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is guitar rac game train sister sab the cat Doll Bike sab the san cah.
Love,
Anthony

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is I wo v sik In Sugn tv n toseto see I live in A2 Bike Barbie Doll I wot socntoc Bus in wot a gocs.
Love,
Myra

Dear Santa,
For Christmas I want a Horse, PS3, next a lifetime supply of pizza, and $100.00. I want these items because I could play halo reach with the PS3. I could ride the horse and I could feed the horse the supply of pizza. Last, I would put the $100.00 in my rainy day fund.
Your friend,
Dallas

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a big truck, some cars, 2 French fries and 2 chicken nuggets. I have cookies and milk for you.
Love,
Trenton

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is: Power-Wheel Spiderman Truck Spiderman Banana Pudding.
Quintarius

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!!

A small town joke

I've just remembered a joke that people used to tell in my hometown about a particular father and son pair who never seemed to be employed. Names changed to protect the lazy:

"What's Johnny, Senior do?"

"Nothing."

"Well what's Johnny, Junior do?"

"He works for his dad."

HA!

Worlds have collided

WELL. So 'Drumline' was on tv tonight, and I watched a bit of it. It's a movie I really love, because it brings back so many memories of growing up in Mississippi and seeing marching bands TOTALLY BRING IT. Marching bands are a big deal in the south, and my hometown has a big Christmas parade every year where high school bands from all over the Mississippi Delta march through downtown, and even some university bands too. The year that Grambling State came to play was a huge deal - they are one of the best marching bands around, and let me tell you - watching them play and dance down Grand Boulevard was one of the highlights of my youth. Anyway, the point of all this is, I was looking up youtube videos of Grambling State... and I'll be damned if they didn't play a Justin Bieber song this year.



It's like they KNEW.

Delta Wedding

I was born and raised in the countriest, poorest part of the countriest, poorest state in America. Seriously, people - it don't get more southern than the Mississippi Delta. Weddings are a massive deal down there, and one of the great pleasures of my life since I've moved away is hearing about the gigantic blowouts people throw for the 'big day.' I used to have only the annoucements in the local paper to quench my thirst for Deep South tackiness, but with the advent of Facebook, I can now find a wealth of details in living color. BEHOLD this groom's cake from a recent Delta wedding, complete with the classiest cake stand I've ever seen:


Nothing says love like the antlers that were sawed from a defenseless animal who was killed for sport!!