Can someone please change Justin Bieber?

He's filled his diaper and needs a new one.

Via.

So, my mom had a minor heart attack. Nuts!

It totally sucked and was really scary, but she's fine now and her heart looks super awesome and her arteries look so amazing they are basically like tiny Heidi Klums snaking all over her bod. Also amazing - cardiologists apparently use their iPhones to take photos of people's innards, cause that's what the doctor used to show me photos of my mother's innards. While he was showing me the photos, a text popped up that said 'So do I induce seizure?' and the doctor sighed and rolled his eyes and gave me this look that was like 'Can you believe these morons I have to put up with?' and I gave him a look back that was like 'Do you seriously make these sorts of decisions via text message on your iPhone?'

Anyway, many many thanks to the doctors and nurses at Women's, River Oaks and St. Dominics Hospitals in Jackson, MS for saving my mother's life and providing the Sams fam the chance to come together and discuss important issues!

Mama: Can you explain to me why Justin Bieber's hair looks like that?
Me: Well, he cut it off recently. It's a lot more normal now.
Mama: Thank God. He looked ridiculous.

Breaking Bieber News, Y'all

And this one is SERIOUS. Many thanks to Sydney for passing along this disturbing development.


Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

Be vigilant out there, readers.

Biebs moves one step closer to world domination

He's seriously gonna wind up being the Grand Poobah of the Planet. From Deadline:

MTV is finalizing a deal to bring back its signature series Punk'd with teen superstar Justin Bieber as the new host...Bieber is currently the hottest music artist/personality for MTV's target teen audience. In addition to his skyrocketing music career, he recently dabbled into acting with a guest stint on the season premiere of CBS' CSI and parts in Saturday Night Live skits.

It might be advisable to wear a pot or a metal colander on your head, or perhaps some tinfoil. I'm pretty sure the next step for The Biebs will be mind control.

I'm not sure this is okay

I continue to be concerned about The Biebs, y'all. He went to HOOTERS over the weekend! And not just any Hooters, but the Hooters at the West Edmondton Mall in Alberta, Canada, which strikes me as perhaps a more depressing Hooters than one's average Hooters. He's only 11 years old, y'all. I just don't think it's appropriate for him to be at a restaurant that is all about breasts.


Then again, seeing as he was probably weaned last week, it is likely quite comforting for him to be surrounded by bosoms. Fine, fine. CARRY ON, BIEBS.

Ed. note - Fun Ophelia fact! Hooters and I were born on the same day. It was a really great day.

I'm getting concerned about The Biebs

Get a load of this, y'all! In an act of tween revenege, Biebs tweeted some poor kid's phone number:


That is bananas! Someone needs to rein in this kid, as he is getting too big for his britches. Not cool, Biebs! Also, anyone else INSANELY glad that the internet didn't exist in its current manifestation when you were in high school? Ophelia=sofakingglad.

Real life Bieber encounter!

From the front lines of Bieberdom, y'all - an up close and personal encounter by someone who knows someone that I know!!! Coworker Cassafracture sent me the following email last week:

My mom’s good friend Connie was at LAX last week, and walked right beside Justin Bieber! She said they both ended up at the cinnabon and her granddaughter lovessssssssssss him, so she asked him if she could take a picture and he said NO! Then his body guard asked her to move away, but she was waiting in line to order! WHAT a jerk!

Hmm. Well that's not very nice. You know, the Biebs has really been acting up lately. Check out this photo from a recent concert:


Oh dayyyyyum, lil man, that ain't okay! First dissing some sweet old granny, then grabbing your crotch in public? Shape up Beibs! Also, you might want to lay off the Cinnabons if you want to retain your girlish figure. Just sayin'.

Leave Bieber Alone!

It's been some time since we've had a proper Bieber update, and unfortunately this one bears sad news. Those awful trolls at 4chan have been pranking the Biebs! First they managed to get 'Justin Bieber Syphillis' to the top of Google's search list. The Biebs hasn't even hit puberty, how can he have the syph?! He probably wound up learning what sex was from that little trick, 4chan! Not a nice thing to do to a 9 year old.

Now, however, they seem to have brought an entire country into the pranking mix, by bombarding some random poll with votes saying the Biebs should go to North Korea on tour. Internet, you know he can't go there! Not cool. Here are some choice quotes from the article linked to above:

Given the fact that almost all citizens of North Korea are denied internet access and there are restrictive controls over all media, it is unlikely that any of the votes have actually come from within the country.

It is highly unlikely Bieber would be given permission to enter North Korea.

It is not known if Kim Jong-il is a fan of Justin Bieber's music.

At least now we know what the hell Kim Jong-il's problem is - lack of Biebs!

Bieber news!

In addition to finding amazing Tumblrs and being the best, Sydney had just proven herself to be a rich source of excellent Bieber news as well! Some awesome person in Maryland called the cops over the weekend because they saw Justin Bieber drinking in a bar... but when the police arrived, it turned out this Bieb-a-like was a 27 year old woman named Katie. Wonderful!

More Wisdom From a Coworker

"Most people are older than Justin Bieber."
-C-Money

Yes, it's true. It's so true! Here he is, in fact, with two people older than he:

Breaking Bieber News!

Here.

Busy bee, buzz buzz

Loyal readers! My deepest apologies for the lack of scintillating posts as of late. Things are pretty crazy in the steno pool these days, making it hard to stay abreast of the latest in Bieber news and other Internet trends. However, I did come across this tidbit with I had to share with you. Read, and ponder:


Aww, poor Biebs! Shine on, lil guy! You'll get those muscles yet.

Y'all, this is not okay

CRAZED FANS TRAMPLED BIEBER'S MOM!

This is just not acceptable. Ms. Mallette is responsbile for bringing the phenomenon that is The Biebs into this world. Let's treat her with a bit more respect, yes? I mean, take a look at this kid:



One commenter on hard hitting website Disney Dreaming had this to say:

"justinsboo200 says:
April 6, 2010 at 11:59 pm
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yoooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu is sooooooooooo cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Precisely, justinsboo200. Precisely.

Faulker said that "was is the saddest word"

This just might be the saddest sign.