Ophelia's Olympics Highlights

I've just about grown weary of the Olympics, folks.  I watched the women's gymnastics team finals and thoroughly enjoyed them, and got emotional when the 'Fab Five' won gold. But that was a week ago and this crap is STILL. GOING. ON.  NBC is also airing the events in a maddeningly idiotic fashion, showing you 10-15 minutes of one event, switching to another, then another, and so on before finally getting back to whatever it was you turned on the television to see in the first place.  I want to watch diving, NBC.  I do not want to watch beach effing volleyball.

Anyway, here are a few of the things still bringing me pleasure as the Olympics drag on:

1) McKayla Maroney's fantastic bitchface.

She literally causes jaws to drop with her cutting looks (and, you know, incredible vaulting skills).

This young woman is strong, beautiful, self-possessed, at at a mere 16 years old SHE WILL CUT YOUR ASS IF YOU MESS WITH HER.  Love this kid!

2) The continual display by Michael Phelps of wonderfully moronic facial expressions.

Another complaint I have about the Olympics is that there is way too damn much swimming (look, it's the 50 meter!  and the 100 meter!  and the 458 meter!  WHO WILL WIN?!  WHO GIVES A SHIT, GET OUT OF THE POOL AND DRY OFF.), but all those breaststrokes do give us the opportunity to see Phelps look like a total goon.

"BLEEP BLOP HERP DERP DORP."  - Michael Phelps, 2012. 

3) The delightful Dong Dong!

Look at that sweetheart!  This year I learned not only that trampoline is an Olympic sport (as opposed to being the backyard death trap moms everywhere insist it is), but that its greatest athlete is named DONG DONG.  Unfortunately, I didn't get to see this live, because after suffering through about three hours of events I didn't give a rat's ass about and hoping NBC would throw me a bone (a dong dong, if you will!) and show some trampoline, I gave up and watched some Say Yes to the Dress.  No dongs of any kind on that show, just FYI.

4) This photo that's been making the rounds on Facebook of divers mid-execution photoshopped onto toilets.

Speaks for itself.

5) Ryan Lochte's interview skillz.

By far the best thing to come out of the London Olympics is this video of Ryan Lochte.

 

Ryan's got to go now, as he is late for his Mensa meeting.  

History lesson

I recently was chit chatting with my friend Lindsey about Kirk Cameron, and what a great show Growing Pains was, and how lousy it is that old Kirk has turned out to be this crazy right wing fundamentalist, and we had this exchange:

L:  remember how his character had a friend named boner?

the 80s, man

erections had to be called boners then too right?

like, that didn't happen after growing pains, right?

Me:  omg

surely not

i think boner has been around a long time

i'm gonna go with since neanderthals

L:  yes

i would agree

Me:  since they finished dinner one night around a fire

and someone held a bone up to his crotch

and they all went

"heh heh"

#history

L:  exactly

 

 

Hump day treat

...of roast beef and Edwardian manners!

Via Huffington Post

Mad Men is back!!

There was a gaping void in my life on Sunday nights after Downton Abbey's second season ended in February... but thank goodness, Mad Men returned last night! And what a return it was, as the fifth season premiere showed us everything from a bean ballet to a Roger sashay. My major takeaway from last night, however, was this:


An astronaut gone, but not forgotten!

Jack seems to have gotten... LOST!

In celebrity news, it appears that Matthew Fox, former star of that show on which I wasted six seasons worth of television time, Lost, might be a bit lost emotionally as well. Poor old Former Jack got tanked in Cleveland and tried to board some random party bus, and the bus driver denied him entry since he was not invited to that particular party... and so he punched her in the boobs. And then in the crotch!

Jack, calm down! I bet he thought the bus was an entry portal to get back to the island and craft a decent ending for that damn show. I'm totally still mad about the cop-out Lost ending, can you tell?

It's Be Kind to Lawyers Day!

Readers, today is Be Kind to Lawyers day. Do you have any special lawyers in your life? Two of my fave friends, Ben and Pete, are both in the process of becoming lawyers. I will be extra kind to them today!

In celebration, Buzzfeed has some highlights from a lawyer coloring book. I love coloring! There are several selections from which to choose, but I think this is the one I'll be doing tonight:


I think I'll color it while I watch Teen Mom. Now there's some bitches who need to be kind to lawyers!

I always knew these two were a pair of twerps

I never liked the show Full House. I hated the whole saccharine mess of it, even as a child - Uncle Joey's wretched jokes, Kimmy Gibler's annoying voice, the moment when the music swelled and we'd all learn our lesson for the episode. BARF CITY. But the thing I hated the most about that show was the deplorable Olsen twins. Those two were not even CUTE.



Plus, now we know they are giant effing racists. Way to insult a talented musician, you insipid cretins. And to the person who titled that clip - you are at fault too. There is nothing adorable about those brats or their evil ways!

Sam and The Facebook

Sam and I have very different schedules - I work days, he works mostly nights. Thus, I usually go to bed before he does (though, to my detriment, not much more). Once I'm all tucked in for the night, Sam will often while away some time on Facebook, and I always enjoy getting up in the morning and seeing what he's been up to while I slumbered. He's a big fan of 'liking' things, so I frequently see notifications like "Sam likes BACON, CIVIL WAR SESQUINTENNIAL, and 72 OTHER PAGES." This morning, though, he had really shaken things up - he'd posted this video on his mother's wall:



Why he did this, I have no idea, but it made for some delightful viewing as I ate my oatmeal.

A message to this day

...borrowed from poet Nene Leakes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.


Yes, Thursday, February 17. You're a trashy whore. Go kick rocks. Kick all the rocks.

Watson sucks

So, who else watched Watson the robot compete on Jeopardy last night? I only got through about half of the show before I had to turn it off because his robot voice was annoying the bejesus out of me. And we thought Ken Jennings was a tool! Watson was a total dweeb with zero personality. Oh wait, what? The lights on his avatar change color when he's thinking? NOPE, STILL BORING. I'm not even bothering to watch tonight. Watson will probably win, which will be only the first step in his inevitable takeover.* Eff off, Watson.

*In case I have not made my feelings about robots clear in a prior post, I strongly dislike them and fear a robot takeover will happen in my lifetime. These things are hostile. Trust me.

We should all be watching 'Portlandia'

...because it's hilarious. I don't know about you, but I CANNOT watch 'Portlandia,' even though I am well aware that I should be watching it, and I very much want to watch it on the regular, because I do not get IFC. So, I must make do with the clips posted on Hulu. Luckily, they are great in their own right:



Comcast! You must throw me a fricking bone here and start beaming IFC into my living room with all possible haste!

Steve Harvey Feud is light years better than all other Feuds

Seriously, it's hysterical! No creepy dudes smooching the women... just flat out hilarity.



Why doesn't this come on when I can watch it?!

Via

The other bowl!!

As we all know, the football game isn't the only thing worth watching on Super Bowl Sunday. A few hours earlier in the day, there is a mesmerizing broadcast on Animal Planet known as... THE PUPPY BOWL!!

In case you are unfamiliar with the greatness that is the Puppy Bowl, let me allow Wikipedia to break down its many complexities:

The Puppy Bowl consists of a number of puppies playing in a model stadium ("Animal Planet Stadium") with no audience (but with canned audience cheering), minimal commentary, and instant replay shots. A "bowl cam" provides shots upwards through the transparent bottom of a special water bowl built into the stadium floor, with a wide-angle lens that allows viewers to watch the puppies drink water (and walk through it) up close...The puppies are given a wide variety of chew-toys and bones to play with, and they are free to tackle, bite, and do as they wish...When a puppy drags one of the football-shaped toys into the end zone, a "puppy touchdown" is declared. "Penalties" are issued for puppies relieving themselves on the field. Timeouts are called if the water bowl needs to be refilled, or if the puppies begin to fight (a behavior called "unnecessary rrruff-ness"). In Puppy Bowl VI, substitutions were made whenever a puppy fell asleep on the field. Puppy Bowl III, V, and VI also featured a tailgate party outside the stadium with several other dogs watching the event on televisions with cuts to their reactions throughout.

Phew! Hope y'all were able to follow that. This year's Puppy Bowl really reached new heights of adorability, thanks to me and Syd's personal favorite pup, OLIVER!


HOLY CRAP THAT IS A CUTE PUPPY! He is a Great Pyrenees, and is very fluffy. Unfortunately his well-deserved title of Most Valuable Puppy was usurped by upstart pup CB, whose manic racing around the field caught the attention of officials.


Okay, fine, he's stupid cute as well. When you watch the Puppy Bowl, everyone wins!

Follow up Super Bowl post

YAY! The Packers won! The rapist lost! I love the city of Pittsburgh, but I am not a fan of rape, so screw you Steelers. However, my main takeaway from last night's sporting event is this:


How awful was that halftime show?! Pro-tip: Just have Prince do the damn thing every year.

Huge news about people falling down!

Y'ALL. I can't believe I have neglected to share this with you for so long. We all thought we'd be waiting until summer for Wipeout to return, languishing in the cold months with no people falling down on national television AT ALL. I am so pleased to report that this is NOT THE CASE.



THANK YOU LORD! IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!

A Recent Convo

me: do you know what happens tonight
Cassie: VAMPIRE SEX
IN A CAVE

Crushes from the 90s

Tonight at 8pm, with no new episode of America's Next Top Model, I found myself in front of the tube, din din on lap, with nothing to watch - I have a fairly strict tv watching schedule, you see. When one's significant other works nights, one tends to date the television in his absence. So, I began to channel surf when Jeopardy! ended, but the surfing did not last long. I quickly found myself watching NBC's reality show The Sing Off. This genuis creation is a competitive outing for acapella groups, and it is AWESOME. It's pretty much the opposite of American Idol, which I despise - the contestants do their own arrangements, and they can all actually sing really well (American Idol is basically a yelling contest, not a singing contest)! I enjoyed the featured groups immensely, but what really struck a chord with me (PUN!) was the judges... because one of them is an old crush of mine from the early 90s about whom I'd completely forgotten: Shawn Stockman of Boyz II Men. Remember him?! Remember Boyz II Men?! Let me refresh your memory:



EFF YES. I may or may not have just danced around my kitchen while watching that. Expect more Sing Off and Shawn Stockman posts in the weeks to come, friends! No go forth and harmonize.

Awesome new blog to follow

There's really nothing that compares with Maury Povich, is there?


No there is not! And that's why this awesome blog I discovered over the holiday weekend, Holy Maury Mother of God, is so fantastic. You're welcome, readers. Enjoy!

The screams continue

Turns out that there was a part 2 to Oprah's Favorite Things.



See the lady weeping? I'd be doing the same damn thing the second I realized I could sell that dumb ass looking car and pay off my student loan debt!

Here is a lot of screaming!

Audience reacts to Oprah's Favorite Things episode:



On the one hand, this is hilarious, and full of very funny faces. On the other, I would TOTALLY do the same thing. Plus, everyone in that audience is someone who is a teacher, or a volunteer, or someone who strives in one way or another to make his or her community a better place. All the diamond encrusted watches for these good people, please!