Unusual Town Name Extravaganza!

It's no secret that I've been neglecting The Blog over the past few weeks.  It's probably a combination of the laziness that comes with the hot summer months, and some general ennui I've been feeling in my life.  Almost a month ago, Pete sent me an article from Yahoo with the results of a poll about the worst town names in America.  I meant to share it with all (seven) of you immediately, but I let it fall by the wayside.  So now I am going to do a full review of these UNUSUAL TOWN NAMES, and try to find some facts about each place!  We'll start with number 10 and work our way up to the grand poobah of lousily named places:

10. Monkey's Eyebrow, KY - A classic unusual town name!  Proving that I'm always on top of my game here at OEIA, I've already written about Monkey's Eyebrow!  You can get all the scoop you need here. 

9. Squabbletown, CA - As is the case with a lot of these, there's not a lot of info about Squabbletown (which, frankly, doesn't seem that bad a name to me, but whatevs).  A Google search yields statements like "Squabbletown is a populated place."  Didn't even make it onto Google Maps.  I'm calling bullshit on this one, Yahoo.  Try again.

8. Loveladies, NJ - This is another totally weak entry.  Loveladies is located on a barrier island off the coast of New Jersey, and is populated with fancy homes where celebrities vacation.  I'm beginning to think Yahoo wouldn't know a quality unusual town name if it bit them on the ass.

7. Roachtown, IL - Now this is more like it!  Roachtown is in western Illinois, quite close to St. Louis... and that's about all I can find.  I can tell you that its elevation is 541 feet and they are currently experiencing light rain.

6. Belchertown, MA - Belchertown is in central Massachusetts, and I have actually been there!  The wonderful pastor Vicki who married me and Sam lives there, and we spent a lovely afternoon there in 2010.  She joked that it was located next to Fartsville.  Gotta love a woman of the cloth who still appreciates toilet humor.  Other B'town facts - it's home to a Little League field called 'Mini Fenway Park,' and it was also the birthplace of Porter Rockwell, who was Joseph Smith's personal bodyguard.  YIKES!

5. Assawoman, MD - This seems to be another screw up, as there's a lagoon called Assawoman Bay in Maryland, but no town known as such, but let's just go with it.  What does it mean? According to the book The Place Names of Maryland: their Origin and Meaning by Hamill Kenny: "Assawoman...The name is Indian and the two opening syllables (assa-) seem to be from either Algonquian acaw- 'across,' or Algonquian asaw- 'brown, yellow.' For technical reasons the rest of the word cannot be satisfactorily solved, and the full meaning of assawoman remains unknown."  The full meaning is a woman with a fantastic ass, Henry.  Get with the program.  

4. Hooker, OK - Hooker is in the middle of the Oklahoma panhandle, and its population is a little under 2,000.  They have a really pathetic website where none of the links work, so let's just assume that everyone in town is a prostitute.  

3. Boring, OR - I love Boring, because they have a sense of humor and are making the effort for some self-promotion!  Their sister city is Dull, Scotland, and their town motto is "Boring, Oregon - An exciting place to live and work!"  Two thumbs up to Boring.  You guys are really working with what you've got.

2. Climax, GA - Oh, God.  What kind of joke am I supposed to make here?  My PARENTS read this blog. Let's just go with the facts - Climax is in Decatur County, GA, has about 300 residents, and is home of the Swine Time Festival!   The event is attended by 35,000 people annually. Contests & events include best dressed pig, corn shucking, hog calling, eating chitterlings, pig racing, syrup making, baby crawling, and the great greased pig chase. Another fact: My brain read "syrup making, baby crawling" as "baby making," because what the hell else is one supposed to do in Climax?

1. Toad Suck, AR - I have to agree that this is a top-notch unusual town name.  According to the article... What does "Toad Suck" mean anyway? Well, the answer is quite simple... Long ago, steamboats traveled the Arkansas River when the water was at the right depth. When it wasn't, the captains and their crew tied up to wait where the Toad Suck Lock and Dam now spans the river. While they waited, they refreshed themselves at the local tavern there, to the dismay of the folks living nearby, who said: "They suck on the bottle 'til they swell up like toads." Hence, the name Toad Suck. 

Well, Yahoo worked up to a big, ah, climax at the end there, but a lot of these entries are just lazy.  I think I can do better.  I'm going to find a truly unusual town name in every state in this great nation, and share them all with YOU (Mama, Pete, Syd, occasionally my sister)!  LOVE YOU, READERS!

McKayla + Grace = Super Meme!

I was talking with Pete last night about how quicky McKayla Maroney's marvelous bitchface, one of the best things to come out of the London Olympics, had turned into a viral internet sensation.  He pointed out the obvious next step was to combine her pouting mug with that of the best thing put forth by London in 2011 - the miserable visage of royal wedding bridesmaid, Grace van Cutsem!  As is usually the case, I told Peter his wish was my blog-mand, and set out to see if anything could impress McKayla and Grace or cheer them up a bit.

The answer was no.  

And here I thought Oprah was off the air!

Turns out - nope, she's apparently still around... and helping people all over to change their lives for the better!

Wonder if Nate Berkus will go to add some decorative zazz to the place?  Let's just hope the surprise under their chairs is new cars so they all can drive the eff out of there. 

Pick me up from Pete

Pete heard through the grapevine (kidding, it was from me, cause I was whining) that I was down, so he sent me a link to this great post called LAWYER DOG!

Thanks, Pete!  A corgi lawyer was just what this Monday afternoon needed.  More Lawyer Dog gems, here.

GOURD SOURCE: Issue Four

This is my birthday present from Pete:


I don't know what it is, exactly. I mean, aside from being a gourd.

GOURD SOURCE: Issue Three

Deeply disappointing: Pete does not like GOURD SOURCE. He says it is not at all what he was looking for, and that he was hoping for more "gourd research." I found this rather annoying, but he is a solid 50% of my readership, and I must give the readers what they want.

Pete: hola
me: what's shakin
Pete: listening to my new favorite band
me: what's that
Pete: http://www.thegourds.com/
me: !!!
Pete: you're tellin' me
i have a dumb question
me: shoot
Pete: do people eat gourds?
me: I DON'T KNOW!!!!
i also have that dumb question!
let's ask google

We got distracted by other things that day - specifially, what Google will autofill when you type in 'do people'* - and this remained unanswered. Let's see what we can find out!

The always reliable Yahoo Answers replies, "Yes you can eat gourds in your garden, however, I prefer to eat them inside my home, preferably in the dining room or dinette area. The last time I ate gourds in the garden I got stung by a bee." We've got a joker here, people! I don't think we can trust his answer.

The suspicious sounding Ping Ming Health states, "Bitter gourd is suitable for those who have heat in their body or during hot seasons. If you have diabetes type 2 and with the symptoms above, bitter gourd is suitable for you to eat." I'm pretty sure everyone who is alive has 'heat in their body.' I don't believe Ping Ming either.

Ask.com, which I was surprised to find still in existence, offers "Gourds are not edible they are used as decorations, I have seen them used as birdhouses, bore a little hole in the fat body part of the gourd and hang it from a tree." Fair enough, but learn how to write a proper sentence, friend.

Finally, we have The Gourdfather! He says no, don't eat your gourds. I trust him because he has an awesome name, his website offers books with titles like A Step by Step Guide to Gourd Crafts, and he makes fantastical gourd art like this:


That's it for this issue of GOURD SOURCE, readers. Remember, don't eat gourds! Instead, make weird things out of them!

*Examples of things Google will autofill in this instance include:
do people live in antarctica
do people get hurt on wipeout
do people still use pagers
do people eat placenta
do people poop when they die

Missed opportunities

Why didn't they say Happy Beefday?

GOURD SOURCE: Issue Two

Hey y'all! Time for more GOURCE SOURCE! Here is a chat Pete and I had about - you guessed it! - gourds in September of 2011.

Pete: gourds!!!!!!!!
me: yeah!!!!
Pete: YEAH!!!!!!!


me: damn, them's some lumpy ass gourds
Pete: The Gourd Lady


From my Belly Buttons collections.

This lady is sure to bring a chuckle to all that see her. She has a belly button and is proud of it, as you can see.

The Gourd People can be a Doctor, Nurse, Chef, or any profession you choose.

Made from Martin gourds, they will last a life time. Each gourd is completely dried, painted and sealed to protect the paint. The clothing and other parts are made of cotton.

me: wow, you really topped yourself with that one
Pete: i have this image of you, several months from now, in front of a mirror after a long day of dodging detritus and pounding grape, where you look at yourself and think "i have a belly button and am proud of it."
i also like how the gourd people have to have a profession. no unemployed gourds here. clearly, this website wasn't built in the past decade.
Pete: do you think i could find a florist or farmer to deliver a bouquet of gourds?
me: absolutely
you could also make your own
Pete: YOU could also make YOUR own
me: i don't want one
Pete: too bad
me: but lord, there's enough of them outside whole foods
they are fully aware there that it's motherfucking gourd season
i'll send you a photo on my way home
Pete: make it happen

An email I just received

Subject: GET YOUR IRISH JIG ON THIS ST PATRICKS DAY AT BEEF'S!


Thanks, Pete. It's the like beef that keeps on giving.

GOURD SOURCE Begins!

Welcome to GOURD SOURCE, your one and only source for all the latest gourd news that Pete wants me to post!

Pete loves gourds. Here is the conversation where I discovered this:

me: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/its-decorative-gourd-season-motherfuckers
Pete: you know i love gourds
me: i did not
you'll love that piece, then
Pete: i'm going to construct an all-gourd reenactment of your wedding
i expect it will look something like this:


me: wow, my wedding was really lumpy
Pete: it's not dissimilar to the diorama i built celebrating the celtics 2007 nba championship


me: does that count as blackface?
Pete: not if its with gourds

That's it for this edition of GOURD SOURCE. Stay tuned for more riveting posts about gourds!

Adulthood

This week, one of my closest friends from college came to visit. He has always been a man of great eloquence. Over lunch on Wednesday he said to me:

"You look so different. You look like a grown-ass woman."

It was one of the best compliments I've ever received. THANKS PETER!

I know what Pete's getting for Christmas!

BEEFY!!

Unusual Town Names: Drab, PA

Pete just emailed me with a town for Unusual Town Names: Drab, PA. Unfortunately, as with several past towns, there's not much info about Drab. As far as I can tell, it seems to be a wide spot in the road in Blair County, PA. Here's what I could find:

Latitude: 40.37139 : Longitude: -78.23722 : Elevation: 1200 ft

Welcome to Drab ...
Please Note: At this time, we have very little information about Drab.

Seems like it lives up to its name!

I really enjoy baseball

America's pasttime! Hot dogs, beer, sunshine, the crack of the bat... and sulking.



And boob grabbing in front of God and everybody... and Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy. I sure do miss those two!



Thanks to Buzzfeed for the first video, and Pete, of course, for the latter. PLAY BALL!!!

Zardoz Update! We have Pete to thank.

I was leaving the gym yesterday and got this text from Pete:

"I was the one that told you about Zardoz!!!!!!!!!!!"

He was not pleased that I had forgotten! He forwarded me a Gchat from March 2010 as proof:

10:17 PM Pete:



10:19 PM Amelia: hahaha what the eff is this
10:20 PM Pete: sean connerey movie
Amelia: i'm kind of in love with this
Pete: isn't it great?
10:21 PM Amelia: it's like garbage day times 1 million
10:22 PM omg he just netted a bitch
Pete: who?
Amelia: zardoz
Pete: ZARDOZ!!!
10:23 PM Amelia: haha
i'm loving the graphics
Pete: it's so good
i have another great one
Pete:



10:24 PM no connery but it's great
10:25 PM Amelia: MONA THE WOOLY MONKEY
dying
dead
wow
also, i love that mars is so flaming
10:26 PM Pete: but scientifically accurate
Amelia: i love that mona gets top billing
10:27 PM i love everything!
Pete: she's a fox
Amelia: where did you find these
Pete: youtube
Amelia: well duh
but how
10:28 PM Pete: i saw a website with the posters from these movies
they're great
Amelia: how do you have time to discover such treasures?
you're in law school!
you are truly a man for all seasons
10:29 PM Pete: thats me

Chain restaurants are trying to intoxicate your kids!

I'm sure you all heard about young Dominic from Detroit, who was served tequila at an Applebee's. This 15 month old child was totally smashed! Just look at him:


Poor little thing. I bet he was freaked out. Now comes news from Florida that an Olive Garden served two year old Nikolai sangria! What the devil is going on in these places? My advice is to avoid all chain restaurants save for this one, where FAMILY VALUES still means something!


If you'd like a coupon, I still get them via email, thanks to Pete. Just ask and I'll be happy to share!

It's Be Kind to Lawyers Day!

Readers, today is Be Kind to Lawyers day. Do you have any special lawyers in your life? Two of my fave friends, Ben and Pete, are both in the process of becoming lawyers. I will be extra kind to them today!

In celebration, Buzzfeed has some highlights from a lawyer coloring book. I love coloring! There are several selections from which to choose, but I think this is the one I'll be doing tonight:


I think I'll color it while I watch Teen Mom. Now there's some bitches who need to be kind to lawyers!

Speaking of trashy whores...

Sydney and Pete, two of my most alert readers, both sent me this today:

'B****, your pancakes look fine to me': Video of catfight over maple syrup in Denny's goes viral:


Now, this seems like overdoing it to me. My guess is that as they were at Denny's, this probably was not even real maple syrup, but the fake Mrs. Butterworth's type crap. Not worth it, ladies.

A similar situation, but much more understandable, happened much farther south. Hersha Howard of Naples, Florida attacked her roommate Jasmine, because the bitch stole her Thin Mints! Check out how irritated poor Hersha looks:


This is exactly how I would look if someone took my Girl Scout cookies. The violence in this case is totally justified.

Happy Hump Day

We're halfway through the work week, people. Just gotta slog through a couple more days, and then it's a long weekend! Remember, it could be worse - you could be Misery Bear:



Pete sent me this. Naturally.

Pete wrote another song

No more football games on NBC this season, which means no more Sunday Night Football songs bellowed by Faith Hill. Luckily, Pete is continuing his trend of making up his own:

Touchdown!
Frozen field!
NBC!
Seattle and Chicago and head injuries!
Someone call Rex Ryan
Cause I can't feel my feet!
Everyone is here
But they don't know where they are!
Another man down,
Someone please call the tiny caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart!

I like the little foot fetish jab he worked in.