When Mannings lose, everyone wins!

I was not particularly invested in this year's Super Bowl.  The Seahawks annoy me for no good reason other than the beat the Saints twice this year, and Pete Carroll seems like an uber goon.  I have nothing against the Broncos, but my Manning-hate is well documented on this blog, so I obviously could not root for them.  This year, I was mostly in it for the snacks and booze.

That said, seeing Peyton Manning look uber sad for 3 hours was pretty satisfying!  Things got off to a rollicking start with a safety in what I believe was the first nanosecond of the game.

And the fun just continued from there!

Bonus SAD ELI!  My favorite Manning to see sad!

And that's all I have to say about the Super Bowl.  New Orleans Saints start their regular season in 213 days!  Not that I'm counting...

My husband's ideal theft

It's Super Bowl time, y'all!  Super Bowl Sunday is truly a great day to be an American - it's all about cramming your face with meaty, creamy, cheesy foodstuffs, guzzling beers, and watching oversized dudes slam into one another on purpose for sport.  I think Sam and I will be watching at home this year, and I'm planning to make a shredded buffalo chicken concoction in my new slow cooker (officially old: I am deeply excited by my new slow cooker).... but I think he'd much rather be enjoying the game with these guys:

A pair of workers at a frozen food distribution center outside of Atlanta, Ga., made off with $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings earlier this month, according to cops in Gwinnet County.

Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson, who both worked at the Nordic Distribution Center, allegedly backed a rental truck up to the back of the loading area at the center and loaded 10 pallets of Tyson frozen chicken wings onto the truck. The pair then made off with the poultry, but were seen by management, according to a police report obtained by ABC News.

Investigators at the Gwinnet County police department arrested Patterson, 35, and Jackson, 26, a week later, on Jan. 23.

Sam loves wings more than most things, and I'm pretty sure these two dudes are now his heroes.  $65,000 worth of wings!  How many people were they planning to feed?  Also, how in God's name did it take the police an entire week to arrest them?

And speaking of things with wings - GO RAVENS!!

Via 

Effing Mannings

You know what really used to piss me off? When I was in college, all my friends who went to Ole Miss would swoon about over Eli Manning, who was a student and football player there at the time. They would call me up and squeal about how they'd seen him in the student union and he was just "soooooooo fine!" and it would just BURN MY BISCUITS. Because I will admit the kid is a fantastic football player, but there is just no way in hell he is good looking. He looks, as my dear friend Dave put it, like an 11 year old special needs kid. I think this post sums it up perfectly with the headline "ELI MANNING MAKES MOST ELI MANNING FACE EVER."

Wait for it...


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here it is!


Ugh. Awful. Go away, Mannings.

Thanks to Leah for alerting me to this fantastic photo of Eli Manning being fugly and stupid and not hot AT ALL.

Neck news

My lovely work colleagues continue to supply quality blog content! This time it's from pal and peer Lindsey, who alerted me to this fascinating Slate slideshow on the widest necks in the NFL. One of the highlights for me was Chiefs team member Kelly Gregg, who clearly has attempted to overcome having a somewhat feminine first name by having the world's manliest neck:


Kelly is something called a 'nose tackle,' but one look tells you he ought to become a neck tackle. Y'all mosey on over to Slate and check out all those wide ass necks!

It's football time again!

I'm deeply saddened that summer is over, because it means that my beloved DC public pools are closed until next year. One bright spot about fall, though, is the return of football season! And the very first game of the year, broadcast across the great US of A last night, featured my personal fave team the New Orleans Saints! Unfortunately, they lost despite valiant efforts, so I don't really want to talk about it. Instead, let's talk about this very fun post on Buzzfeed about NFL player anagrams. I like anagrams cause they are fun and silly! The post is full of gems, but I particularly enjoy this one for Cleveland Browns wide receiver Mohamed Massaquoi:


Heehee!

Blast from the past: Terry Tate

When I was in college, a close friend of mine introduced me to the short-lived web series Terry Tate: Office Linebacker. It was some kind of promotional thing Reebok did, but we didn't really care about that - we just liked seeing people getting their asses handed to them. Illegally consuming a few adult beverages, watching these things, and laughing until we cried was one of our favorite things to do. Here is a compilation for you, my dear readers, of the best of Terry Tate: Office Linebacker:



These are actually exponentially funnier to me now that I've spent six years working in office environments. We could really use a Terry Tate around here sometimes.

Football season may be over

The homoeroticism, however, remains. Here's a photo my friend Lindy just sent me:


YOWZA! Get a room, you two!

The other bowl!!

As we all know, the football game isn't the only thing worth watching on Super Bowl Sunday. A few hours earlier in the day, there is a mesmerizing broadcast on Animal Planet known as... THE PUPPY BOWL!!

In case you are unfamiliar with the greatness that is the Puppy Bowl, let me allow Wikipedia to break down its many complexities:

The Puppy Bowl consists of a number of puppies playing in a model stadium ("Animal Planet Stadium") with no audience (but with canned audience cheering), minimal commentary, and instant replay shots. A "bowl cam" provides shots upwards through the transparent bottom of a special water bowl built into the stadium floor, with a wide-angle lens that allows viewers to watch the puppies drink water (and walk through it) up close...The puppies are given a wide variety of chew-toys and bones to play with, and they are free to tackle, bite, and do as they wish...When a puppy drags one of the football-shaped toys into the end zone, a "puppy touchdown" is declared. "Penalties" are issued for puppies relieving themselves on the field. Timeouts are called if the water bowl needs to be refilled, or if the puppies begin to fight (a behavior called "unnecessary rrruff-ness"). In Puppy Bowl VI, substitutions were made whenever a puppy fell asleep on the field. Puppy Bowl III, V, and VI also featured a tailgate party outside the stadium with several other dogs watching the event on televisions with cuts to their reactions throughout.

Phew! Hope y'all were able to follow that. This year's Puppy Bowl really reached new heights of adorability, thanks to me and Syd's personal favorite pup, OLIVER!


HOLY CRAP THAT IS A CUTE PUPPY! He is a Great Pyrenees, and is very fluffy. Unfortunately his well-deserved title of Most Valuable Puppy was usurped by upstart pup CB, whose manic racing around the field caught the attention of officials.


Okay, fine, he's stupid cute as well. When you watch the Puppy Bowl, everyone wins!

Follow up Super Bowl post

YAY! The Packers won! The rapist lost! I love the city of Pittsburgh, but I am not a fan of rape, so screw you Steelers. However, my main takeaway from last night's sporting event is this:


How awful was that halftime show?! Pro-tip: Just have Prince do the damn thing every year.

Super Bowl Post Fail

I wrote a long and awesome Super Bowl breakdown and then I accidentally deleted the whole thing. I cursed a lot. I am not retyping it, so here's a video of a chipmunk scratching himself in slow motion instead.



GO PACKERS.

Quotes from athletes

When Facebook first came into being, Oberlin was among some of the first schools to gain access to it. I remember clearly the summer afternoon Pete and I created our Facebook profiles. Pete listed 'newspapers' and 'quotes from athletes' among his interests. Here are some of his faves:

“But can’t nobody (mess) with me. I’m like toilet paper, Pampers and toothpaste. I’m definitely proven to be effective.”-Shaquille O'Neal, very large basketball player

“If y’all see me in the news, and I make the news for something that I ain’t got no business making it for, don’t bash me. Just say it was a young man living.”-Clinton Portis, running back for the Washington Redskins

"The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."-Carl Everett, baseball player

"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."-Drew Gooden

And here's one courtesy of moi. This is my favorite interview with an athlete ever:



Sadly, Bart and his boys lost their chance to go to the Super Bowl. I CAN'T WAIT to see what you do next time around, Bart!

Pete wrote another song

No more football games on NBC this season, which means no more Sunday Night Football songs bellowed by Faith Hill. Luckily, Pete is continuing his trend of making up his own:

Touchdown!
Frozen field!
NBC!
Seattle and Chicago and head injuries!
Someone call Rex Ryan
Cause I can't feel my feet!
Everyone is here
But they don't know where they are!
Another man down,
Someone please call the tiny caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart!

I like the little foot fetish jab he worked in.

Thanks, Pete

Peter just sent me this.



I really enjoy it. It's funny cause it's true!

Pete wrote a song

All season long, Pete and I have been laughing at the wretched Sunday Night Football song. You know the one - Faith Hill just hollers some various words about football, touchdowns, America, and scoring. Eventually, the joke evolved such that Pete would text me his own parody of the song every Sunday night, based on the game at hand. The Sunday before Christmas when the Vikings game got snowed out (and, of course, after Brett Favre's penis texting scandal had come to light), he sent me the following:

Touchdown! NBC!
Snowed-out song!
Brett Favre at the hotel,
Texting his schlong!
There's no Sunday Night Football,
Just pics of his dong!
Everybody's here,
Not checking their phone!
Best part about a Vikes game is that
Favre's not left aloooooooooooooooooooone!

That little ditty is a total score.

Pete is horrible

Well. I was just having a conversation with Pete about the University of Southern Mississippi's inclusion in the Beef O'Brady's Bowl this month. We were both wondering who Beef O'Brady was. Quick research showed us that Beef O'Brady's is, in fact, a deeply wretched looking chain of 'family friendly Irish pubs' that do not have hard liquor, or any Irish food whatsoever. And then Pete did this:


Pete is horrible, and horribly funny. If I appear on the Beefy's website, you'll know who is responsible.

Ophelia's Football Coverage - The Holiday Weekend

Friends! I don't have a ton to say about football this time around, actually. The Saints beat Dallas, which was awesome, but I couldn't watch because it was Thanksgiving and I had to go eat Chinese food (don't ask). The Redskins had another depressing, embarassing outing that I don't even want to go into. In great news, though, Peyton Manning got his arse handed to him by the Chargers. I don't much care about the Chargers one way or another, but I love seeing a Manning fail, so I had a lovely Sunday evening.

Finally, this happened at the Packers game:


What a great sport. What a great country, y'all. God bless us, everyone!

Ophelia's Football Coverage - Did that really happen?

Friends, Sam was off last night, and we settled in for some Monday night football. It was the Skins, Sam's fave! And they were playing their divisional rivals, Filthydelphia! This was sure to be one hell of a game.

It was not one hell of a game. Something like 10 seconds in, the Eagles scored after pit bull hater Michael Vick threw an 88 yard pass. It was all downhill from there. It was like the Skins were dogs, and Michael Vick was... well, Michael Vick. It pretty much looked like this for the next several hours:

 

Pardon the unfortunate pun, but WOOF, that was brutal.

Ophelia's Football Coverage Marches On!

Friends, awesome news - THE SKINS DIDN'T LOSE THIS WEEKEND!!! Sam was delighted. Of course, they didn't lose because they didn't play, but a person has to find silver linings in the wide world of sports. As for my team, the glorious New Orleans Saints, they steamrolled over the hapless Panthers, 34-3. WHO. DAT. Of course, I didn't get to actually WATCH that game because it was not broadcast in this fetid Federal City... so instead, I will share with you a highlight from a recent football game at Driscoll Middle School in Totally Badass, USA:



I think it's safe to say that kid will have no trouble getting asked to the Sadie Hawkins Dance this year. Or whatever it is kids do in middle school these days. Meth?

Football - The Ophelia Coverage Continues!

I've not done my football recaps in several weeks, and I apologize. I know y'all have been weeping and rending your garments wondering when they will return. Well, I'm pleased to say that just in time for the Redskins to get beaten by truly one of the worst teams in football, I AM BACK!

Seriously, the Lions?! They are wretched! They ALWAYS lose! Sam's boss, Chef Buddy, commented recently that the Skins are really talented at helping other teams break their losings streaks and/or boost their otherwise dismal records. The Washington Redskins: Assisting Other Teams in Realizing Their Dreams!

In a much more interesting game, the Saints beat the Steelers 20-10!! I really enjoy the football recaps that Pittsburgh native and Steelers fan Dan Hopper does at Best Week Ever, and here is what he had to say about this one:

I found it hard to get too upset over this one, as the quarterback who made an unsolicited, unpublicized six-figure donation to the cancer center in New Orleans where my good friend works defeated the quarterback who I would not leave my good friend alone with.

LOLZ it's true! Drew Brees seems to be a really great person, and Ben Roethlisberger seems like a predatory asshole. When he loses, morality wins! GEAUX SAINTS!

Here's a dude in a beer box hat doing a dance

GEAUX LSU?

And that's all I have to say about that.