Butt Teeth

Once upon a Saturday night, my friend Eric was tanked.  We were walking down the street and he pointed out a young woman whose much-too-tight pants were creeping into her rump.

"It's like her own butt is eating her pants," he said, in the tone of a man who delivering some very deep thoughts.  "What we really need, you see, is butt teeth.  Like, if our butts had a set of teeth that could just clamp down on the pants and stop your ass crack from eating them.  Yep.  Butt teeth."

And then he laughed til he cried.

ANYWAY, here's a kid who also knows about butt teeth!

Via Gawker.

A poem

Here is a poem I wrote when I was 8 and spent several hours sitting on my rump in my neighbor Shelly's wading pool.  I was wearing my dance leotard and didn't change into a swimsuit because, duh, the leotard LOOKED just like a swimsuit.  You will note this poem is an acrostic.  High artistry, right here.

"Butt Rash"

Butt rash is red.
Usually feels dead.
Totally crummy.
Taking energy out of your tummy.

Raking over your butt.
Always making you feel like you're stuck in a rut.
She or he, it will make you flee.
Happening of it will make you say, "Oh gee!"

Fin.

Breakout DNC star: Carina Castro!

My hump day has really been off to a lousy start, but my spirits have just been lifted by this fantastic little girl.  This is Carina Castro, beautiful daughter of San Antonio mayor Julian Castro.  While watching her daddy speak at the Democratic National Convention last night, she flipped her hair with levels of grace and panache I can only dream of reaching:



Get it, girl!  Carina Victoria has inspired me.  I will now go forth and attempt to tackle my day with even a fraction of her class.

Via Buzzfeed.

Another great bus convo

Last week I was taking the bus home and had a most educational conversation with a young lady of around 4 years old:

Child: The sun is going away!
Me: That's right!  It's night time, so the sun is setting.
Child: It's going away so it can come back again.
Me: Yes, that's right.  You know a lot about the sun!
Child: Look at that!  (points at light overhead)
Me: Okay, I'm looking at it.
Child: That's like the sun, but it's not the sun. 
Me: I think I understand.
Child: That's all I know about the sun.

SUN FACTS.  I'm telling you, you learn the best things on the bus. 

It's important to keep in touch

One of my new year's resolutions was to keep in better touch with friends and family, but I am fairly rotten at it. This is not because I don't love you! It is beacuse I am supremely lazy, and also probably because I am selfish. But this is stupid, because it is so easy to make a phone call. I hereby promise to make more phone calls! Expect a call from me soon! I'll be following the lead of this young gentleman, Corbin Fleming. He didn't let the fact that he was in the Oval Office stop him from doing the right thing.


I will also buy new Converse. Corbin's kicks are rad.

Friends + Internet = Betterment of the day

Stressful and harried and, if I'm being honest, kinda sad is how I'd describe this week so far. But with just half an hour left to go in what's been a particular downer of a work day, Sydney sent this glorious deposit to my LOLk*.



*LOLk = nomenclature invented by Videogum to refer to your investment portfolio of laffs.

I really enjoy baseball

America's pasttime! Hot dogs, beer, sunshine, the crack of the bat... and sulking.



And boob grabbing in front of God and everybody... and Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy. I sure do miss those two!



Thanks to Buzzfeed for the first video, and Pete, of course, for the latter. PLAY BALL!!!

How's about some unadulterated sweetness?

I like to watch John John clips when I need a pick-me-up.



"Count this penny!" Slays me every time.

Chain restaurants are trying to intoxicate your kids!

I'm sure you all heard about young Dominic from Detroit, who was served tequila at an Applebee's. This 15 month old child was totally smashed! Just look at him:


Poor little thing. I bet he was freaked out. Now comes news from Florida that an Olive Garden served two year old Nikolai sangria! What the devil is going on in these places? My advice is to avoid all chain restaurants save for this one, where FAMILY VALUES still means something!


If you'd like a coupon, I still get them via email, thanks to Pete. Just ask and I'll be happy to share!

Some things I love

1) Trains
2) Correspondence
3) Fun
4) Sam Pointon:



Young Sam heard that the National Railway Museum was in need of a new Executive Director, and as a fervent lover of trains he threw his hat in the ring. He was appointed the museum's offical Director of Fun for his efforts. Yay Sam!

Letters to Santa

Every year on Christmas Eve, my hometown newspaper publishes a charming little booklet called 'Letters to Santa,' in which local products of the public school system show off their reading and writing skills by composing missives to St. Nick detailing what they'd like for the holidays. The arrival of this publication is always greeted with great delight in my household. I'd like to share some of this year's highlights with you. These are reproduced exactly as they appear in the paper.

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is Call of Duty bay blade yo-yo Dsi game Chrouler Modr siki with a red man Nurf gui with a stiky buit.
Love,
Lousious

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is guitar rac game train sister sab the cat Doll Bike sab the san cah.
Love,
Anthony

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is I wo v sik In Sugn tv n toseto see I live in A2 Bike Barbie Doll I wot socntoc Bus in wot a gocs.
Love,
Myra

Dear Santa,
For Christmas I want a Horse, PS3, next a lifetime supply of pizza, and $100.00. I want these items because I could play halo reach with the PS3. I could ride the horse and I could feed the horse the supply of pizza. Last, I would put the $100.00 in my rainy day fund.
Your friend,
Dallas

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a big truck, some cars, 2 French fries and 2 chicken nuggets. I have cookies and milk for you.
Love,
Trenton

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is: Power-Wheel Spiderman Truck Spiderman Banana Pudding.
Quintarius

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!!

Wonderful kid

Most of my neighbors are kind of lame (with the exception of the kinda sorta lil bit famous one). They don't say hello too much, they have kids with absolutely massive strollers that take up the sidewalk, they act like they have never seen you before... wait, I'm really just talking about one set of neighbors. You know who you are, blue house on the corner!!

Anyway, there is a great kid named Michael who lives next door. The other day I saw him and he said 'I jump on my trampoline every day and NO ONE CAN STOP ME!'.

It pleased me.

New Feature! Tumblrs from Syd

My best friend sends me the most hilarious Tumblr sites. I don't know how she even finds them, but it's rare she sends me one and I don't have to immediately read it all the way to the end. Enjoy today's installment!

Shit My Kids Ruined

Crazy kids! Stop ruining everything!