More baby goats!

This one is for my mama, who loves goats, and was sad yesterday because Scott got to hug a goat and she did not. Look, Mama - these little baby goats are wearing sweaters and jumping around on a porch!



YAY GOATS!

So, my mom had a minor heart attack. Nuts!

It totally sucked and was really scary, but she's fine now and her heart looks super awesome and her arteries look so amazing they are basically like tiny Heidi Klums snaking all over her bod. Also amazing - cardiologists apparently use their iPhones to take photos of people's innards, cause that's what the doctor used to show me photos of my mother's innards. While he was showing me the photos, a text popped up that said 'So do I induce seizure?' and the doctor sighed and rolled his eyes and gave me this look that was like 'Can you believe these morons I have to put up with?' and I gave him a look back that was like 'Do you seriously make these sorts of decisions via text message on your iPhone?'

Anyway, many many thanks to the doctors and nurses at Women's, River Oaks and St. Dominics Hospitals in Jackson, MS for saving my mother's life and providing the Sams fam the chance to come together and discuss important issues!

Mama: Can you explain to me why Justin Bieber's hair looks like that?
Me: Well, he cut it off recently. It's a lot more normal now.
Mama: Thank God. He looked ridiculous.

A Recent Convo

With my mom, natch.

Me: Laura Bush was one of the speakers at the conference.
Mama: Oh, how was THAT?
Me: Eh. She was cutesy and pointless.
Mama: Well what did you expect? She's like talking toast.

Helpful Turns of Phrase

I'd like to share with you two sayings that I find really handy to have in my verbal arsenal. Both come, naturally, by way of my mother.

One of my mom's coworkers has a delightful way of classifying women who are wearing skanky or slutty outfits. "That girl," she says, "is either on the pole, or on the stroll." I've been doing my best to spread this system of classifying hos far and wide, and I encourage you to do the same!

The next comment is rather related - my great-grandmother Jack used it to refer to someone whose clothing was too small: "That looks like 10 pounds of ham in a 5 pound bag." Jack herself was a svelte woman, and was a firm believer in clothes that fit properly.

There you have it, friends! I hope you will take these phrases and use them in conversation - your next cocktail party, work meeting, or church potluck are perfect examples of times to do so. I guarantee they will be a huge hit.

I'm not sure why I have not been following Snoop Dogg's Twitter

But I know I'm gonna start now! Right after this moment of silence.

Fun Ophelia's Mom Fact: My mother once referred to Snoop Dogg as "Snut Puppy."

Product of public school system makes billboard

...in South Bend, IN. This bit of breaking news was just sent to me by my mother.

Billboard has "pubic" mistake

Moms continue to be the best

Aren't emails and texts from your mother the best? Yes, they are. The people from hilarious blog Postcards from Yo Momma know what I'm talking about. I just got an email forward from my mother, and it contained this gem:

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, SHE'S UP"!

If that's not good advice, I don't know what is.

Fun quotes from my Mama

Moms are the best, aren't they? My mama in particular is fantastic. One of the things I love most about spending time with her or talking to her on the phone is how much we laugh together (and this is true of my dad and my sister as well - we are all just a real pack of cards). This is largely because of the marvelous things that come out of her mouth. Some choice quotes:

Regarding me sitting in a chair with my legs hiked up... while wearing a skirt: "I can see your name and address!"

Regarding hoping for some changes to happen in the next year: "Well, God willing and the creek don't rise."

Regarding a ringing telephone in her house: "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

Sure do love that lady. People always say how much we look alike - particularly how much I look like her in photos from when she was my age - and Mama always jokes that I should kick people who say such mean things. But she's just being silly, because I can't think of a much better compliment than for someone to say I am like her.

The Fab Five

I was on the phone with my dear mother last night, and she commented that I must be very busy, because I'd not updated my blog in about a week. "Your five readers are missing you," she said.

I'm sorry, Fab Five Followers. I shan't neglect you again!