A Recent Convo

Conducted with dear friend Lindy via GChat:

Rachel: how's the week for you thus far
me: hectic and stressful on all fronts
Rachel: I had this really funny movie that played in my head of you talking to someone next week and this is how it goes
Setting: a break room like in the office
Office Dude: Hey Amelia what's up?
Amelia: Oh nothing much Office Dude, how was your weekend.
OD: fine went to a killer bar and got blitzed
you?
A: I GOT MARRIED BITCHES!!!
me: hahahahah
Rachel: and scene
me: can i put this on my blog?
Rachel: yes you can

Speaking of trashy whores...

Sydney and Pete, two of my most alert readers, both sent me this today:

'B****, your pancakes look fine to me': Video of catfight over maple syrup in Denny's goes viral:


Now, this seems like overdoing it to me. My guess is that as they were at Denny's, this probably was not even real maple syrup, but the fake Mrs. Butterworth's type crap. Not worth it, ladies.

A similar situation, but much more understandable, happened much farther south. Hersha Howard of Naples, Florida attacked her roommate Jasmine, because the bitch stole her Thin Mints! Check out how irritated poor Hersha looks:


This is exactly how I would look if someone took my Girl Scout cookies. The violence in this case is totally justified.

A message to this day

...borrowed from poet Nene Leakes of The Real Housewives of Atlanta.


Yes, Thursday, February 17. You're a trashy whore. Go kick rocks. Kick all the rocks.

This is so calming

Just watching it, I feel more serene.



Corgis... corgis will put them to sleeeeeeeep.......

Via

Something magical happened

Last night I was walking home, and something magical happened to me. I was waiting at a red light, lost in stressful thoughts, when I felt something softly brush about my ankles. I looked down, and what was it? It was the floppy ears of a basset hound, gently knocking into me as he enjoyed his evening walk.


Thank you, Mr. Hound, for brightening my day! I immediately texted Syd, even though I'm sure she already knew about the incident - her heart is made of puppies, you see. So she knows this stuff. She just senses it.

Happy Hump Day

We're halfway through the work week, people. Just gotta slog through a couple more days, and then it's a long weekend! Remember, it could be worse - you could be Misery Bear:



Pete sent me this. Naturally.

Watson sucks

So, who else watched Watson the robot compete on Jeopardy last night? I only got through about half of the show before I had to turn it off because his robot voice was annoying the bejesus out of me. And we thought Ken Jennings was a tool! Watson was a total dweeb with zero personality. Oh wait, what? The lights on his avatar change color when he's thinking? NOPE, STILL BORING. I'm not even bothering to watch tonight. Watson will probably win, which will be only the first step in his inevitable takeover.* Eff off, Watson.

*In case I have not made my feelings about robots clear in a prior post, I strongly dislike them and fear a robot takeover will happen in my lifetime. These things are hostile. Trust me.

The whitest of whines

My new Crate & Barrel wine glasses are too big to fit in my dishwasher!

Sam and his toaster

Sam loves toasted things. I hate toasted things, because they scratch the roof of my mouth and make me fussy - thus, I have never paid much attention to the state of our toaster. I finally noticed it was in a very sad condition several months ago, when Sam and I were registering for wedding gifts. "Oh thank God," he cried. "Can I get a new toaster!?"

Sam's toaster is one he picked up at one thrift store or another many years back. It has two settings: 'Dark' and 'Pop Tarts.'


NOTE - This is not our toaster. Ours is cleaner than that... though not by much.

The Pop Tarts toaster has grown less and less effective over the years - now, it barely toasts things at all, and the lever that keeps the bread inside no longer works. When poor Sam wants some half-assed toast, he has to stand in the corner and hold down the lever manually. "Sam," I will say of a Saturday morning, "can you pour some tea?" "No," he replies mournfully. "I am stuck here toasting this bread."

So, the boy is in sore need of a new toaster, and we have registered for one - but no one is buying it! Toasters are such a boring and cliched wedding gift that no one wants to purchase it. On and on Sam stands in the corner, pushing his kitchen-scarred fingers down on the Pop Tarts toaster and wishing for well-toasted bread...to no avail.

Football season may be over

The homoeroticism, however, remains. Here's a photo my friend Lindy just sent me:


YOWZA! Get a room, you two!

Joy Division, the Playmobil version

This is all over the interwebs today.



Rightly so!

Via

Internet continues to give us great birth control

...this time, in the form of news of a GIANT BABY born recently in Boston, MA. This is young Eric, who came into this world weighing in at a whopping 13 pounds and 2 ounces. More like OUCHES, am I right? Can you imagine that coming out of you? Or hell, being in you in the first place. His poor mama.


Screw the birth control. I'll just enter a nunnery. YIKES.

We should all be watching 'Portlandia'

...because it's hilarious. I don't know about you, but I CANNOT watch 'Portlandia,' even though I am well aware that I should be watching it, and I very much want to watch it on the regular, because I do not get IFC. So, I must make do with the clips posted on Hulu. Luckily, they are great in their own right:



Comcast! You must throw me a fricking bone here and start beaming IFC into my living room with all possible haste!

Steve Harvey Feud is light years better than all other Feuds

Seriously, it's hysterical! No creepy dudes smooching the women... just flat out hilarity.



Why doesn't this come on when I can watch it?!

Via

The other bowl!!

As we all know, the football game isn't the only thing worth watching on Super Bowl Sunday. A few hours earlier in the day, there is a mesmerizing broadcast on Animal Planet known as... THE PUPPY BOWL!!

In case you are unfamiliar with the greatness that is the Puppy Bowl, let me allow Wikipedia to break down its many complexities:

The Puppy Bowl consists of a number of puppies playing in a model stadium ("Animal Planet Stadium") with no audience (but with canned audience cheering), minimal commentary, and instant replay shots. A "bowl cam" provides shots upwards through the transparent bottom of a special water bowl built into the stadium floor, with a wide-angle lens that allows viewers to watch the puppies drink water (and walk through it) up close...The puppies are given a wide variety of chew-toys and bones to play with, and they are free to tackle, bite, and do as they wish...When a puppy drags one of the football-shaped toys into the end zone, a "puppy touchdown" is declared. "Penalties" are issued for puppies relieving themselves on the field. Timeouts are called if the water bowl needs to be refilled, or if the puppies begin to fight (a behavior called "unnecessary rrruff-ness"). In Puppy Bowl VI, substitutions were made whenever a puppy fell asleep on the field. Puppy Bowl III, V, and VI also featured a tailgate party outside the stadium with several other dogs watching the event on televisions with cuts to their reactions throughout.

Phew! Hope y'all were able to follow that. This year's Puppy Bowl really reached new heights of adorability, thanks to me and Syd's personal favorite pup, OLIVER!


HOLY CRAP THAT IS A CUTE PUPPY! He is a Great Pyrenees, and is very fluffy. Unfortunately his well-deserved title of Most Valuable Puppy was usurped by upstart pup CB, whose manic racing around the field caught the attention of officials.


Okay, fine, he's stupid cute as well. When you watch the Puppy Bowl, everyone wins!

Tragedies are happening all over the world

Some are big, and others are small. Here's a small one:



:( Bye bye wine.

Via

Follow up Super Bowl post

YAY! The Packers won! The rapist lost! I love the city of Pittsburgh, but I am not a fan of rape, so screw you Steelers. However, my main takeaway from last night's sporting event is this:


How awful was that halftime show?! Pro-tip: Just have Prince do the damn thing every year.

Super Bowl Post Fail

I wrote a long and awesome Super Bowl breakdown and then I accidentally deleted the whole thing. I cursed a lot. I am not retyping it, so here's a video of a chipmunk scratching himself in slow motion instead.



GO PACKERS.

Sam's new tattoo

Sam wants a new tattoo, and has come up with the great idea that instead of the more traditional THUG LIFE, he should get one in gothic script that says HUG LIFE, given his love of hugs. I fully support this endeavor.

Back with a bang!

I got busy with work and wedding and didn't post for a week. WHOOPS. Anyway, here's the cutest video I've seen all week to make up for neglecting my loyal readers. Hold on to your hats:



I told you to hold on to your hats, goons! Now your hats have been blown off by cuteness and your heads are cold. Try and listen a little better next time, yes?