Friday, May 2, 2014


Sometimes, the simplest jokes are the best.

Friday, April 25, 2014

It finally happened.

On Wednesday, April 23, 2014, I made money from my writing for the first time in my life.

I cashed in a savings bond that I received circa 1994 for an essay contest I won in the 6th grade about American inventor Alexander Graham Bell.  It was worth $53.40.

I immediately spent $10.14 of said earnings on an overpriced salad for lunch.  $9.99 of it went later that day towards a bottle of wine that I was too tired to drink, which remains in my fridge.  Today, $4.28 of it bought me a pretty decent sandwich.  Would have been a great sandwich with a little salt.

In a moment, I shall go spend $1.93 of it on a cup of coffee.

Living the high life of an award winning writer over here!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

More Lifetime Movie Reviews with Sam!

The other evening, I came home from dinner with a friend to find Sam on the couch.  He was, of course, watching Lifetime.  As soon as I walked in the door he hollered, "PETALS ON THE WIND, BABY!"

"What the hell is Petals on the Wind?"  I replied.

"The sequel to Flowers in the Attic!"

Flowers in the Attic is a deeply disturbing book about lies, betrayal, religious fervor, child abuse, and incest.  Even more disturbingly, it is a book for young adults.  Lifetime recently did a made for tv movie adaptation of this shudder-inducing novel, and Sam watched it multiple times.  Here, ladies and gentlemen, is Sam's review of Lifetime's Flowers in the Attic:

"One of my favorites!  Terrifying!  Positively Dickensian!

My favorite parts?  Well, you know, the grandmother - she was a fully realized character.  You feel sorry for her.  At the end when she gets locked in the stairwell, she's really HUMAN in that moment.

That girl from Mad Men did a pretty good job.  The brother was a disappointing casting decision.

This was like Sound and the Fury meets Wuthering Heights!  Oh look, it's coming on again tomorrow!"

New Candidate...

...for best amenity detailed in a Craigslist post.


Sign me up, baby!  Man, if I could just combine this apartment where the door bell works with that other one that had both a front AND a back door, I'd really be living the high life.

Monday, March 31, 2014

This apartment ad will be hard to top

This just may be the best housing ad I've come across yet!


U seen lots of dumps, this ain't one of them, few places to rent, they r all AIRBNB, come home to me, I am owned by seasoned RESPONSIBLE owners, I am 5 rooms big , lovely sitting porch to view sunsets and cocktail,I am by ALL the cool spots, pets and smoke choke the goodie out of me, for $1025 rent, $ 1025 deposit , 1 yr lease, why not date me and get the key to my door, don't wait dear heart, at the way things going I'm gonna go fast

This is basically the exact location I'd like to be in.  This woo-rific ad may just win me over.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Butt Teeth

Once upon a Saturday night, my friend Eric was tanked.  We were walking down the street and he pointed out a young woman whose much-too-tight pants were creeping into her rump.

"It's like her own butt is eating her pants," he said, in the tone of a man who delivering some very deep thoughts.  "What we really need, you see, is butt teeth.  Like, if our butts had a set of teeth that could just clamp down on the pants and stop your ass crack from eating them.  Yep.  Butt teeth."

And then he laughed til he cried.

ANYWAY, here's a kid who also knows about butt teeth!

Via Gawker.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Amenities! Location!

Searching for an apartment online, while largely depressing in terms of securing housing, is very fruitful in terms of gorgeous photos of great places to get murdered.  It is also interesting to see what alluring amenities landlords and leasing agents chose to share to draw in the discerning renter.

Here are some selections from today's Craigslist perusal for housing:

house close to school chunch grecory store,bus stop,flead market

Hurry This Beauty Won't Last! 

Mr. Luke comes to do the yard every other Monday.

About three miles from Walmart.

 The apartment has a front door and a back door.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Overheard in New Orleans

My dear husband and I were in New Orleans a few days back, walking back to our hotel after a lovely dinner.  We were near the arena where the Pelicans play, and the game had just ended so the streets were full of fans.  We passed by a young man in his early 20s having a telephone conversation.  As we walked by, we heard him say:

"Yeah, I don't know what was up with him.  At halftime he just goes, 'My butthole hurts.  I'm going home.' And he just left."

This is how I will announce my departure from everything from now on. 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Lifetime Movie Reviews with Sammy

My husband has recently become enamored with Lifetime movies.  It all began when he was channel surfing during the holidays and stumbled upon a gem called Christmas on the Bayou.  Lifetime offered the following summary of this made for television original:

When successful New York marketing executive Katherine discovers her workaholic ways are taking a toll on her eight-year-old son, Zac, she decides to spend Christmas with him and her mother, Lilly in her home town on the bayou. When Caleb tries to rekindle a childhood romance and convince her to move back home, Katherine is torn between the bright lights of the big city and the quiet, gentler rhythms of her Southern roots. Only a Christmas miracle orchestrated by Papa Noel can steer her heart to her true home.

"Well this sounds fun!" said Sam, and thus we watched it.  I thought it was pretty lame.  Here is Sam's review for Christmas on the Bayou:

"An instant holiday classic! A treatise on the rise of urban capitalism and the decline of small town values and family.  Money can't buy you happiness!  Felt like I was on the bayou with them.  C'est si bon!

I liked that the romance was a slow burner and you weren't even sure they'd get together, and that they both vacillated in their feelings.  Realistic.

And then there's the happy marriage of Boo Radley and Santa Claus in the character of Papa Noel!

I didn't like the kid.  But I did like that even after Papa Noel gave him the courage to sing at the concert in front of everyone, he didn't magically become a good singer.  He was still terrible.  He was awful.

This is my favorite Lifetime movie!"

He says that cause we've watched quite a few since then... more Sam thoughts to come.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Brief Encounters with Drunk Dudes

On Friday evening, I was walking home along U Street after a lovely concert, thinking about how much I love my city and my neighborhood... when some fratty looking dude in khakis and boat shoes came stumbling out of some nondescript bar, bellowing about how much he wanted a jumbo slice.

"UGH," I thought to myself.  "U Street is SO. OVER."

I followed him and his crew a couple of blocks down the street.  As they approached the Metro, an elderly homeless dude, who I am guessing was drunk because he had clearly pissed his pants, caught sight of this group.  He looked at them with disdain and proclaimed, "I AM SO SICK OF ALL THESE FUCKING WHITE PEOPLE!"

Me being me, I burst out laughing.  The elderly man turned his attention to me and said, "Except for the REAL white people.  You REAL, lady."  Then he squinted at me and observed, "Wait, you ain't even white.  You Latina!"

Thanks, U Street, for reminding me that you do have a bit of character left. 

When Mannings lose, everyone wins!

I was not particularly invested in this year's Super Bowl.  The Seahawks annoy me for no good reason other than the beat the Saints twice this year, and Pete Carroll seems like an uber goon.  I have nothing against the Broncos, but my Manning-hate is well documented on this blog, so I obviously could not root for them.  This year, I was mostly in it for the snacks and booze.

That said, seeing Peyton Manning look uber sad for 3 hours was pretty satisfying!  Things got off to a rollicking start with a safety in what I believe was the first nanosecond of the game.

And the fun just continued from there!

Bonus SAD ELI!  My favorite Manning to see sad!

And that's all I have to say about the Super Bowl.  New Orleans Saints start their regular season in 213 days!  Not that I'm counting...