Friday, April 29, 2011

Some people don't care about the royal wedding

This flower girl, young Grace van Cutsem, is one such person:

Cheer up, Grace! This is a happy occasion!

The wedding of William and Catherine told via text messages sent between me and Whitney this morning.

Whit: Just watched Chelsy Davy walk in. Her couture looks like it could be from the Fashion Bug. Trashy ho.
Me: HA! Just tuned in! Kate looks radiant even through the car window.
Whit: That dress is perfect. I yelled to mom "Oh my God it's Grace Kelley!"
Me: It so is.
Me: Damn, Harry looks hot!
Whit: I am crying right now. Jeez.
Me: It's like Maria from the Sound of Music!
Whit: YES. It's f*cking perfect.
Me: Oh wow. Amazing shot of the abbey from above!
Whit: I would have passed out by now. Go Kate go!
Me: Also great dress on Pippa - classic but sexy!
Whit: I JUST said to my mom, THAT is how you do a bridesmaid's dress.
Me: Now I am crying too. They look so in love.
Whit: I could never be this excited about my own wedding! Is that weird?
Whit: But I'd like a dress like that to wear around the house.
Me: Yes, it is weird. And yes, you would be this excited about your own!
Me: HA! Did you see Princess Bea's hat?!
Whit: Oh I LOVE those girls.
Me: Why are there nuns there??
Whit: Um, I think Church of England has nuns, but I don't know the rules. Henry VIII didn't change stuff when he took over, he just wanted the Pope's land.
Me: And more bitches.
Whit: Can I just say I love my mom? She broke out her wedding china for us to drink tea and eat scones upon!
Me: That is adorable!
Whit: Ugh, now I have to go do my hair. WHY didn't I take off work today?!?!
Me: Eugenie's rack looks huge! And I'm surprised you didn't.
Me: Just wear it in a ponytail!
Whit: Too short, got it cut Tuesday.
Me: You planned this poorly.
Me: Why are they back at the front again?
Whit: They have to sign the big book in the chapel of Edward the Confessor at some point.
Me: Haha, you love that part!
Whit: I love all the parts! I cried when I visited Westminster.
Me: :) The Dean's Yard is one of my fave places in London.
Whit: I'm SO sad I'm not there.
Me: Wonder if Harry is pissed he has to sit by Camilla?
Whit: I think Harry is still half-asleep.
Me: Remember his flower arrangement on Diana's casket that said 'Mummy'? Broke my heart.
Whit: I can't even think about it.
Me: OMG, going thru the arch into St James Park, they had about two seconds when the crowd couldn't see them and they didn't have to wave - and they held hands. SNIFFLE!
Whit: I love them.

Fin. And hopefully they live happily ever after!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

The Victorian Jersey Shore

Well this is just hysterical. Actors from Broadway's current production of The Importance of Being Earnest reading actual lines from Jersey Shore.

There's at least 5 of these. I advise you to go watch them with all possible haste!

Monday, April 25, 2011

He hid his kids, he hid his wife...

...but he neglected to hide his weed! Viral video star Antoine Dodson, who educated America about the need to squirrel away your loved ones so as to avoid roving bands of rapists, has been arrested for marijuana posession. He was released in short order, no doubt due to his general fabulosity. Check out this 'do he's sporting in his mugshot!

Fierce! Many thanks to dear friend Ben for the heads up on this breaking news.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Babies: Total Jerks?

Once Sydney and I were walking along Newbury Street in Boston, having just gotten pedicures (#girlstuff). I was absolutely starving, and we came upon this youngster who had a whole can of Pringles he was munching on. I tried to catch his eye to see if he would share, but he'd have none of it. "Look at that asshole baby," I said to Syd. "He's taunting me with his Pringles." Then Sydney laughed at me because I called a baby an asshole.

Anyway, the baby in this video reminded me of that baby:

What a little twerp!

He gets by with a little help from his goose

Meet Baks and Buttons!

Baks is a boxer who was left blind after an accident. Buttons is the pet goose who helped nurse him back to health and become comfortable going out and about. He's a guide goose!

That is just effing adorable!

A magical evening... of racism

So this Mississippi wedding write up is a real zinger, y'all! This one took place in Brandon, MS last year, and it is just chock full of intricate details and white supremacy! Things start off fairly reasonably:

The bridesmaids wore formal two-piece strapless gowns of boysenberry satin with A-line skirts and ivory lace overlay bodices. The carried sandalwood fans adorned with fuschia and ivory roses.

Sounds normal enough, right? Ugly, but pretty run of the mill. THEN:

The couple exited the church to "Dixie" while the groom waved his red Ole Miss pom pom.

The couple was then whisked away from the church in a white horse drawn carriage to the beautiful historic gardens of Wisteria Hall in downtown Brandon, where the bride's parents hosted a true southern Mississippi reception.

As the buggy pulled up to the antique brick walkawy, the couple entered the gardens to "Tara's Theme" from the movie "Gone With the Wind." It was truly a fairy tale setting and a lifelong dream of the bride.

Dream big, ladies!! It's not noted in the write up, but after dinner the guests enjoyed a lively impromptu meeting of the White Citizens Council 2.0 - Insidious Racism for the 21st Century.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

An apt typo

Sometimes, instead of signing work emails "Thanks, Amelia" I sign them "Best, Amelia."

And sometimes, I accidentally type "Beset, Amelia."


Friday, April 15, 2011

Even more Mississippi wedding write ups!

This wedding was in Jackson.

The happy couple was showered with bubbles and guests rang tiny wedding bells as they left the chapel in an antique 1938 Packard. Following the ceremony, a reception was hostred by the bride's parents that was a truly magical step back in time. Upon entering the ballroom, a vision of opulence awaited you. Lighting was dramatic and perfectly highlighted the bride's sentimental points of focus. Antique chandeliers from the family's personal collection hung throughout the venue to create a dreamlike ambiance.

The fabulous groom's cake was a work of art. Displayed beautifully on an antique desk, an edible stack of law books, cell phone, pen and legal brief were all made of chocolate peanut butter cake, depicting the groom's profession.

I knew I shoulda gotten Sam a spatula cake!

Are you ticklish?

I am. Sam is. So is this camel:

Sydney sent me this, of course. She is going away for the weekend. I'll miss her, but I'll just keep watching this video til she comes back.

Stupid Cute Alert! Lil panda!

Could this little guy be cuter?


Thursday, April 14, 2011

It's almost royal wedding time!

I seriously cannot wait, y'all. I'm gonna get up at 5:00am to watch! I have not yet broken this news to Sam. Anyway, look - someone found Kate Middleton's image in a jelly bean!

I knew she was like a lil' gumdrop from Jesus!!!! LOVE HER!

I'll go calm down now.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

More Mississippi wedding write ups!

I've written before about what a massive deal weddings are in my home state of Mississippi. In my hometown paper, for example, a page of the Sunday edition is taken up each week with details of recent weddings. These things tell you about the elegant, DESIGNER dress of the bride, the huge, beautiful flower arrangements, the tapered candles creating a romantic glow inside the church... and on and on. But these things are small potatoes compared to the write-ups in the annual Mississippi magazine Wedding Registry edition. People spare no expense to get their top dollar wedding into this thing ($1095 for a two page spread, $695 for a meager one pager)... and my sweet Mama had a copy waiting for me on my most recent trip home! In the coming weeks I will be bringing you all the highlights. Here is a favorite of mine from a 2010 wedding in Magee, MS:

The reception was held at a local catfish house. Guests were delighted by the traditional Southern fare... a 175 pound roasted whole hog, a carved steamship round... the salad bar featured a catfish ice sculpture surrounded by oysters on the half shell and boiled shrimp.

The groom's table, the conversation piece of the reception, was a ten-foot-long aluminum boat that held a four-foot-long red velvet cake in the shape of a motley catfish.

You can't make this crap up!

Spring means sneezing

I have such bad allergies, y'all! This guy knows what I'm talking about:

Bless you, little bear!

Chain restaurants are trying to intoxicate your kids!

I'm sure you all heard about young Dominic from Detroit, who was served tequila at an Applebee's. This 15 month old child was totally smashed! Just look at him:

Poor little thing. I bet he was freaked out. Now comes news from Florida that an Olive Garden served two year old Nikolai sangria! What the devil is going on in these places? My advice is to avoid all chain restaurants save for this one, where FAMILY VALUES still means something!

If you'd like a coupon, I still get them via email, thanks to Pete. Just ask and I'll be happy to share!

This cat does not want to wake up

This was so me this morning:

Ugh. Can I go back to sleep now? Stop trying to wake me and this cat up, crazy Russian speaking person!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Stupid Cute Alert! Tiny Turtle!

Sydney has just skyrocketed my day into the heavens by sending me this piece about the world's cutest turtle. He is the size of a grape!

I love grapes and turtles, so this photo is really doing it for me.

It's Be Kind to Lawyers Day!

Readers, today is Be Kind to Lawyers day. Do you have any special lawyers in your life? Two of my fave friends, Ben and Pete, are both in the process of becoming lawyers. I will be extra kind to them today!

In celebration, Buzzfeed has some highlights from a lawyer coloring book. I love coloring! There are several selections from which to choose, but I think this is the one I'll be doing tonight:

I think I'll color it while I watch Teen Mom. Now there's some bitches who need to be kind to lawyers!

The latest in People Falling Down

Lady Gaga fell down!

That's it for this edition of 'People Falling Down' on OEIA. More to come, I'm sure, as long as the internet continues to exist.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Funniest video of the week

It's only Tuesday, but I'm calling it now - this promo video for the 2011 Day of Prayer is the most hilarious thing the Internet will produce this week. Cause I thought it was a joke, but it is not a joke. Someone actually made this in the hopes of getting people PUMPED about praying.

This is the one to beat, folks!

Some things I love

1) Trains
2) Correspondence
3) Fun
4) Sam Pointon:

Young Sam heard that the National Railway Museum was in need of a new Executive Director, and as a fervent lover of trains he threw his hat in the ring. He was appointed the museum's offical Director of Fun for his efforts. Yay Sam!

From the front lines of interspecies friendships

Here are some bear cubs whose jerk mom rejected them, but the pain is being soothed by bottle feedings and playdates with their new tiger cub pal!

I will watch this at least 5 times today. If my black heart grows 3 times with each viewing, I'll be dead by about 4pm. It's been real, readers!