Friday, May 2, 2014


Sometimes, the simplest jokes are the best.

Friday, April 25, 2014

It finally happened.

On Wednesday, April 23, 2014, I made money from my writing for the first time in my life.

I cashed in a savings bond that I received circa 1994 for an essay contest I won in the 6th grade about American inventor Alexander Graham Bell.  It was worth $53.40.

I immediately spent $10.14 of said earnings on an overpriced salad for lunch.  $9.99 of it went later that day towards a bottle of wine that I was too tired to drink, which remains in my fridge.  Today, $4.28 of it bought me a pretty decent sandwich.  Would have been a great sandwich with a little salt.

In a moment, I shall go spend $1.93 of it on a cup of coffee.

Living the high life of an award winning writer over here!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

More Lifetime Movie Reviews with Sam!

The other evening, I came home from dinner with a friend to find Sam on the couch.  He was, of course, watching Lifetime.  As soon as I walked in the door he hollered, "PETALS ON THE WIND, BABY!"

"What the hell is Petals on the Wind?"  I replied.

"The sequel to Flowers in the Attic!"

Flowers in the Attic is a deeply disturbing book about lies, betrayal, religious fervor, child abuse, and incest.  Even more disturbingly, it is a book for young adults.  Lifetime recently did a made for tv movie adaptation of this shudder-inducing novel, and Sam watched it multiple times.  Here, ladies and gentlemen, is Sam's review of Lifetime's Flowers in the Attic:

"One of my favorites!  Terrifying!  Positively Dickensian!

My favorite parts?  Well, you know, the grandmother - she was a fully realized character.  You feel sorry for her.  At the end when she gets locked in the stairwell, she's really HUMAN in that moment.

That girl from Mad Men did a pretty good job.  The brother was a disappointing casting decision.

This was like Sound and the Fury meets Wuthering Heights!  Oh look, it's coming on again tomorrow!"

New Candidate...

...for best amenity detailed in a Craigslist post.


Sign me up, baby!  Man, if I could just combine this apartment where the door bell works with that other one that had both a front AND a back door, I'd really be living the high life.

Monday, March 31, 2014

This apartment ad will be hard to top

This just may be the best housing ad I've come across yet!


U seen lots of dumps, this ain't one of them, few places to rent, they r all AIRBNB, come home to me, I am owned by seasoned RESPONSIBLE owners, I am 5 rooms big , lovely sitting porch to view sunsets and cocktail,I am by ALL the cool spots, pets and smoke choke the goodie out of me, for $1025 rent, $ 1025 deposit , 1 yr lease, why not date me and get the key to my door, don't wait dear heart, at the way things going I'm gonna go fast

This is basically the exact location I'd like to be in.  This woo-rific ad may just win me over.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Butt Teeth

Once upon a Saturday night, my friend Eric was tanked.  We were walking down the street and he pointed out a young woman whose much-too-tight pants were creeping into her rump.

"It's like her own butt is eating her pants," he said, in the tone of a man who delivering some very deep thoughts.  "What we really need, you see, is butt teeth.  Like, if our butts had a set of teeth that could just clamp down on the pants and stop your ass crack from eating them.  Yep.  Butt teeth."

And then he laughed til he cried.

ANYWAY, here's a kid who also knows about butt teeth!

Via Gawker.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Amenities! Location!

Searching for an apartment online, while largely depressing in terms of securing housing, is very fruitful in terms of gorgeous photos of great places to get murdered.  It is also interesting to see what alluring amenities landlords and leasing agents chose to share to draw in the discerning renter.

Here are some selections from today's Craigslist perusal for housing:

house close to school chunch grecory store,bus stop,flead market

Hurry This Beauty Won't Last! 

Mr. Luke comes to do the yard every other Monday.

About three miles from Walmart.

 The apartment has a front door and a back door.