This apartment ad will be hard to top

This just may be the best housing ad I've come across yet!

BYWATER 4 REAL.

U seen lots of dumps, this ain't one of them, few places to rent, they r all AIRBNB, come home to me, I am owned by seasoned RESPONSIBLE owners, I am 5 rooms big , lovely sitting porch to view sunsets and cocktail,I am by ALL the cool spots, pets and smoke choke the goodie out of me, for $1025 rent, $ 1025 deposit , 1 yr lease, why not date me and get the key to my door, don't wait dear heart, at the way things going I'm gonna go fast

This is basically the exact location I'd like to be in.  This woo-rific ad may just win me over.

Butt Teeth

Once upon a Saturday night, my friend Eric was tanked.  We were walking down the street and he pointed out a young woman whose much-too-tight pants were creeping into her rump.

"It's like her own butt is eating her pants," he said, in the tone of a man who delivering some very deep thoughts.  "What we really need, you see, is butt teeth.  Like, if our butts had a set of teeth that could just clamp down on the pants and stop your ass crack from eating them.  Yep.  Butt teeth."

And then he laughed til he cried.

ANYWAY, here's a kid who also knows about butt teeth!

Via Gawker.

Amenities! Location!

Searching for an apartment online, while largely depressing in terms of securing housing, is very fruitful in terms of gorgeous photos of great places to get murdered.  It is also interesting to see what alluring amenities landlords and leasing agents chose to share to draw in the discerning renter.

Here are some selections from today's Craigslist perusal for housing:

house close to school chunch grecory store,bus stop,flead market

Hurry This Beauty Won't Last! 

Mr. Luke comes to do the yard every other Monday.

About three miles from Walmart.

 The apartment has a front door and a back door.

Overheard in New Orleans

My dear husband and I were in New Orleans a few days back, walking back to our hotel after a lovely dinner.  We were near the arena where the Pelicans play, and the game had just ended so the streets were full of fans.  We passed by a young man in his early 20s having a telephone conversation.  As we walked by, we heard him say:

"Yeah, I don't know what was up with him.  At halftime he just goes, 'My butthole hurts.  I'm going home.' And he just left."

This is how I will announce my departure from everything from now on.