Baby, it's cold outside!

Warm up any way you can.

A poem

Here is a poem I wrote when I was 8 and spent several hours sitting on my rump in my neighbor Shelly's wading pool.  I was wearing my dance leotard and didn't change into a swimsuit because, duh, the leotard LOOKED just like a swimsuit.  You will note this poem is an acrostic.  High artistry, right here.

"Butt Rash"

Butt rash is red.
Usually feels dead.
Totally crummy.
Taking energy out of your tummy.

Raking over your butt.
Always making you feel like you're stuck in a rut.
She or he, it will make you flee.
Happening of it will make you say, "Oh gee!"

Fin.

I got a new Twitter follower

Here he is:

How in holy hell did this person find me?!

What's up?

Hey y'all.  What's up?

Not too much is up with me.  Just sitting, chilling.  Being a sloth.

Sleepy Sam Speak

It's been a while, but Sam provided me with some very quality sleepy speak the other morning when I bid him adieu. 

Me: Bye, I'm going to work!
Sam: I wish we had a puppy.
Me: Really?  What kind of puppy?
Sam: The kind that's good for playing.
Me: What would you name it?
Sam: Either Business, or Excited!

I plan to hold him to this conversation.  We are going to get a Corgi named Business and a Basset Hound named Excited:

I hope this means he'll stop talking about wanting a cat.

I got a new computer!

The very first thing I Googled on it was "Channing Tatum's dog's name."  Please send help.

A business idea

I'm too lazy to start this, but you should take this idea and run.  Syd and I said years ago that what the average office needs is way more puppies.  What the world needs is a business that will bring a basket of puppies to offices, and the workers can play with them for an hour or so to relieve stress and build camaraderie.  The puppies would be pups in need of good homes and be available for adoption.

Seriously, how great would it be if this showed up in your sad little cubicle?!

For an extra fee, the business would also bring ice cream sundaes. 

Back to work in my critter and dessert free cube now...

Happy Earth Day!

Everything is just better in England. 

Jump starting the blog with a random photo dump

Occasionally I get reminded that there are a few folks out there who actually read and enjoy this blog.  Thank you, dear devoted readers!  I've been sleeping on the blog as of late - the Muses have not been speaking to me for some reason. 

But, though I haven't been posting on the blog, I never stop thinking about the blog.  Here is a collection of random photos I have saved to post on the blog, but can no longer remember why:

And just like that, THE BLOG IS BACK IN ACTION!

America!

I got sexually harassed by the barista at the Starbucks in my building yesterday, so I guess I'm never going there again.

Luckily, this is America, and there's another Starbucks across the street. 

Can someone please change Justin Bieber?

He's filled his diaper and needs a new one.

Via.

Perseverance

I'm sure I've posted before about the first time Sam turned me down.  We were in London on two different study abroad programs, and had met through mutual friends.  I thought he was the dreamiest of dreamboats.  We'd bonded over our mutual love of Faulkner.  I'd drawn him a map of Mississippi on a cocktail napkin.  I'd given him my very best eyelash batting longing looks.  As far as I could tell, it was ON.  So one night when we all went to indie rock night at the bar around the corner, I asked him to dance... and he said no. 

"It's not that I don't want to dance with YOU," he said.  "I don't want to dance with anyone."  And I knew he wasn't talking about a dance, but was trying to let me down gently.  I played it cool.  I knew I'd get him to dance with me eventually.

And eventually I did... I just had to let him pick the song. 

Happy anniversary, Sam.  There's so much more to you, and to me, and to us, than I ever could have imagined on the dance floor of that dingy basement bar a decade ago.  I love you.

Sad face

The Dunkin Donuts at 14th and U is suddenly closed.  I realize I should not make fun of this sign, because those composing it probably do not have English as their first language... but the combo of the grammar and the sad face is pretty great:

I made one for my blog, since I so rarely update these days:

I'm trying to do better!  

Via.

Crackerjack police work

Sam and I were coming home Friday evening, and as we approached our block we saw that the street was cordoned off with caution tape and there was a cop car with the lights flashing sitting in the middle of the street.  As we proceeded down the sidewalk and made the turn onto our block, we had the following exchange with a policeman:

Policeman: You can't go down there.
Sam: We live down there.
Policeman: You do?
Me: Yes.
Policeman:  Oh.  Okay.

He didn't even check our IDs to make sure we did, in fact, live there.  Nicely done, DC Five-0! 

Here is a photo of Einstein in his fuzzy slippers

Enjoy it!

The time I got $5!

Last night, Sam and I went to a concert with his mother and stepfather.  The venue was in Northern Virginia, and while the music was enjoyable, the place was PACKED with preppy dude bros from the planet Frat House.  I was in line to get a beer - there were six distinct lines at the bar, everyone was in one of them - and there were two such dude bros behind me.  As I got to the front of the line, Dude Bro 1 stepped right next to me and got served first, basically cutting me in line!  So I CUT HIM with my patented Ophelia Bitchface.  Instead of apologizing or addressing me at all, he turned to his friend and said "What?  What'd I do?" and walked off with his beer.  Dude Bro 2 then handed me $5, saying he was sorry his friend was a jerk and buying me a beer was the least he could do.

And that is the story of the time I got $5 solely by giving someone my side eye/lip snarl combo.

Emphatic Facebook Posts

There's a gent with whom I went to college whose Facebook posts really stand out because he tends to do them in all caps.  I don't know if it's just me, but things just seem funnier when they are in all caps.  And on the rare occasion he uses normal capitalization, the posts are all the more emphatic due to being out of the ordinary.  Here is a sampling of recent posts....

EVERY TIME I EAT CILANTRO I'M ALL LIKE "DAMN BABY, I LOVE YOU"

CULTURAL QUESTION : WHAT ARE SOME GREAT BOOKS ABOUT INDIA? FICTION AND NON FICTION EQUALLY WELCOMED!!!! THANK YOU

I WOULD TOTALLY BUY THE BIKE HELMET THAT TOTALLY DOESN'T FUCK UP YOUR HAIR


WATCHED PITCH PERFECT WITH MY DAD LAST NIGHT - ALL I WANT TO DO IS JOIN A COOL ACAPELLA GROUP

HELLO- I'M INTERESTED IN MAKING A LOT MORE TRIPS TO SKI IN THE TAHOE AREA THIS YEAR. PLS INVITE ME! I'M FUN AND I'LL PAY FOR GAS

I'm just not that into Jennifer Lawrence

I WENT TO BRUNCH WITH MY GRANDMA AND SHE NEGOTIATED TWO FREE PASTRIES

Love this guy!  

Being a Hamm

Here's John Hamm being a ham with a photo of Tony Danza!  

Back in my acting days, I was regarded as being quite the ham myself.  One gentleman at the community theater called me Oscar Mayer because of it.

My husband's ideal theft

It's Super Bowl time, y'all!  Super Bowl Sunday is truly a great day to be an American - it's all about cramming your face with meaty, creamy, cheesy foodstuffs, guzzling beers, and watching oversized dudes slam into one another on purpose for sport.  I think Sam and I will be watching at home this year, and I'm planning to make a shredded buffalo chicken concoction in my new slow cooker (officially old: I am deeply excited by my new slow cooker).... but I think he'd much rather be enjoying the game with these guys:

A pair of workers at a frozen food distribution center outside of Atlanta, Ga., made off with $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings earlier this month, according to cops in Gwinnet County.

Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson, who both worked at the Nordic Distribution Center, allegedly backed a rental truck up to the back of the loading area at the center and loaded 10 pallets of Tyson frozen chicken wings onto the truck. The pair then made off with the poultry, but were seen by management, according to a police report obtained by ABC News.

Investigators at the Gwinnet County police department arrested Patterson, 35, and Jackson, 26, a week later, on Jan. 23.

Sam loves wings more than most things, and I'm pretty sure these two dudes are now his heroes.  $65,000 worth of wings!  How many people were they planning to feed?  Also, how in God's name did it take the police an entire week to arrest them?

And speaking of things with wings - GO RAVENS!!

Via 

New posts are coming, y'all!

New posts are coming.  New, regular posts are coming.

Slowly but surely.

HERE THEY COME!

Only this could rescue my morning

I feel gross, y'all!  But if I suddenly got some coffee delivered from this dapper pup, I'd feel immensely better.

Via Buzzfeed.