Oh y'all, something awful happened!

Remember back in December, when I shared with you the sweet magic of the timesheet emails sent by a woman in our HR department? Well, she is no longer able to send them, because timesheet reminders have been incorporated into a new internal newsletter. I am devastated, but will be going into my email archives to find past gems from this woman to share with all of you. Together, we'll keep the inspiration alive!

Here's one from last June:

Did you have the opportunity to enjoy the fantastic, cooling summer breeze these past two beautiful days! What do you mean, No!....take a break, go outside and bask in it for simply a moment. Then please take a moment to enter that one magic number to reflect the hours you worked each day of the June 16-30, 2010 pay period. This pay period had 77 total hours.

BASK IN IT, PEOPLE!

Quotes from athletes

When Facebook first came into being, Oberlin was among some of the first schools to gain access to it. I remember clearly the summer afternoon Pete and I created our Facebook profiles. Pete listed 'newspapers' and 'quotes from athletes' among his interests. Here are some of his faves:

“But can’t nobody (mess) with me. I’m like toilet paper, Pampers and toothpaste. I’m definitely proven to be effective.”-Shaquille O'Neal, very large basketball player

“If y’all see me in the news, and I make the news for something that I ain’t got no business making it for, don’t bash me. Just say it was a young man living.”-Clinton Portis, running back for the Washington Redskins

"The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."-Carl Everett, baseball player

"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."-Drew Gooden

And here's one courtesy of moi. This is my favorite interview with an athlete ever:



Sadly, Bart and his boys lost their chance to go to the Super Bowl. I CAN'T WAIT to see what you do next time around, Bart!

This one's for Lindy and Syd

We grooved to this jam last night at DC's (and possibly the world's) best dance party, Fatback. We're going again next month, right? My muscles should have recovered from 6 hours of dancing by then. LOVE Y'ALL!!!!

Deep thoughts from Weezy

Rolling Stone has an interview with Lil Wayne in which he discusses what life was like in prison. Here is a highlight:

In prison he read biographies of Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Marvin Gaye, Joan Jett, Vince Lombardi and Anthony Kiedis. "[Kiedis'] Scar Tissue was really good," he says. "I also read the Bible for the first time. It was deep! I liked the parts where some character was once this, but he ended up being that. Like he'd be dissing Jesus, and then he ends up being a saint. That was cool."

He also played a lot of Uno, apparently. I like Uno but I can never get anyone to play with me. Weezy, hit me up!

This cat is my soul twin

Yep!

Via

Here's a photo of a dog wearing a toupee

Enjoy it.

Guide for a stress-free walk to work

Are you overcome with fretting and anxiety? Cause I am. Here is a guide for how to start your day off right by having a worry-free walk to work.

1) Select a loud song to which you like to rock the eff out. This one was my selection today:



2) Press play. Make sure the volume is fairly loud.
3) Every time you realize that you have ceased to rock, and instead allowed worries about your wedding, your job, your finances, your moldy shower curtain, your dusty baseboards, or your wedding to enter your head, start song over, and increase volume.
4) Arrive at work deaf.
5) Have a great day!

Celeb look-a-likes

Someone recently told me that my celebrity doppleganger is Helena Bonham Carter. Let's take a look-see:


I don't know about the outside, but this is 127% how I feel on the inside!

Pete wrote another song

No more football games on NBC this season, which means no more Sunday Night Football songs bellowed by Faith Hill. Luckily, Pete is continuing his trend of making up his own:

Touchdown!
Frozen field!
NBC!
Seattle and Chicago and head injuries!
Someone call Rex Ryan
Cause I can't feel my feet!
Everyone is here
But they don't know where they are!
Another man down,
Someone please call the tiny caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart!

I like the little foot fetish jab he worked in.

Unusual Town Names: Smackover

Several years back, my sister's boyfriend had to go to Arkansas for work, to a town called Smackover. He brought back Goo a great shirt, but he didn't bring me shit. I was disappointed he didn't take the opportunity to give me something marvelous from Smackover. I think it's cause he dislikes my poetry. Genuis makes some people uncomfortable. BUT I DIGRESS. Smackover, AR is home to some 2,000 souls, with - SWEET LORD - a whopping 91% of families below the poverty line?! Oh wait, that says 9.1%. That is still a lot, but phew! It was 'a rough and tumble oil boom town' and is now home to the Arkansas Museum of Natural Resources. It is the birthplace of American roots musician Sleepy LaBeef, who singlehandedly just started a new feature called Unusual American Roots Musician Names.


Ed. note: This gentleman is neither Goo's boyfriend nor, to my knowledge, Sleepy LaBeef. As far as I can tell he is just your average lover of Smackover.

And that's all I got on Smackover. If anyone goes there, please bring me back a shirt. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!

Stoned Animals - Volume 2

A goat:


True story: Goats ALWAYS look ripped. Go hang out with a goat and try to tell me I'm wrong.

I cannot tell a lie

... I look like a TOTAL BADASS wearing Sam's leather jacket.

Two people just asked me what I was doing

... like within 30 seconds of one another, so the answer both time was 'Sanitizing my hands.' This is what I'm doing most any time, really, because I am a huge hypochondriac. My college housemates took to hollering at me 'IT'S NOT A TOOMAH!' whenever I'd complain about yet another ailment I was convinced I had.


I really relate to this guy.

New Feature! Stoned Animals

First animal:


Baby elephant. So totally high right now!

Via

Thanks, Pete

Peter just sent me this.



I really enjoy it. It's funny cause it's true!

I need one of these right away, please

Via

Pete wrote a song

All season long, Pete and I have been laughing at the wretched Sunday Night Football song. You know the one - Faith Hill just hollers some various words about football, touchdowns, America, and scoring. Eventually, the joke evolved such that Pete would text me his own parody of the song every Sunday night, based on the game at hand. The Sunday before Christmas when the Vikings game got snowed out (and, of course, after Brett Favre's penis texting scandal had come to light), he sent me the following:

Touchdown! NBC!
Snowed-out song!
Brett Favre at the hotel,
Texting his schlong!
There's no Sunday Night Football,
Just pics of his dong!
Everybody's here,
Not checking their phone!
Best part about a Vikes game is that
Favre's not left aloooooooooooooooooooone!

That little ditty is a total score.

A walking down the street convo

Syd and I were walking home after finishing a midweek dinner at a place we like to call Nine Dollar Salads. I guess we were talking about moms, or sexual harassment, or getting older, or some combination of the three, when this happened:

Me: Some guy on the street called me a 'MILF' the other day.
Syd: That is awful!
Me: He was some effed up homeless guy. He probably couldn't even see straight.
Syd: Maybe he didn't know what it meant.
Me: 'Madam I'd Like to Friend.'
Syd: PUT IT ON THE BLOG!

New States

Here are two fun and surprisingly apt typos I just made: "Whyoming" and "Vermoney." I thought they might give you a laff.

Most disturbing video of the week

DOES THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN?!?!



Doctor, I'll have all the birth control, please!

This day needs a smile

Lame day over here, y'all. I need a smile.


That works!

Fun with RSVPs

The RSVPs for our upcoming wedding are trickling in, slowly but surely, and people are definitely having fun with them. While some folks go the traditional route of just checking off 'will attend' or 'will not attend,' others have been adding notations such as 'will attend WITH BELLS ON!!!!' or 'will not attend and I'm so bummed about that. Please have 7 cocktails for me.' By far the best response we've gotten, however, was from a college friend of Sam's, who simply sent a facebook message stating:

"MOTHERF*CKER I AM COMING TO YOUR WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I'm so glad he's going to be there.

A song for lunchtime

This video of Josh Groban crooning sentiments actually tweeted by Kanye West made the rounds yesterday. It is really, really funny.



I imagine a fur pillow WOULD be difficult to sleep on! Probably all scratchy.

What's your New Year's Day state?

Pete keeps saying he is 'dead.' I'd classify my current state as more 'raptor.'



There's no where to go but up, people!

The third convo of 2011

Conducted via Gchat.

me: i've gotten progressively stupider each year since graduating college
Pete: #sucks
me: oh well
now i'm fixin to get mah MRS DEGREE
yuk yuk yuk
that's the best joke i've made all year long