Unexpected Nudity

I went to college in Northern Ohio, and got my first cell phone while there. Though I've moved many times since graduating, I've retained that number. As such, I tend to get a lot of wrong numbers from methheads in rural Lorain County who are too effed up to dial the phone properly. This morning, however, I got something new - a wrong text from some in the 440. And it was photo text! In fact, it was a SLIDESHOW photo text, a feat I did not even know was possible. The text flashed through five photos of topless women with gargantuan, out of proportion, no way those ever occured naturally breasts. I'd not yet had my coffee - it was 6:48am - and all I could do was stare, wide-eyed, wondering what the hell was going on. The final photo featured the caption "today is national send a bud a boob day pass these puppies around".

Thanks? I am so disturbed right now.

New Feature! Gross Emails from Bennifer

Bennifer is one of the more upstanding gentlemen I've met - except when he's not. Here is an email I just got from him, written in response to me asking how he is doing:

"Im at a hooters, surrounded by hooters. I've never been so happy..."

Gross, Bennifer!

And that's all for this edition of Gross Emails from Bennifer. More to come, I guaran-damn-tee.

Amazing Things: World's Best Headline?

There are headlines, and then there are HEADLINES:

Whoops

I am on so many over the counter cold medicines right now I feel like David After Dentist. Truly, is this real life?

PSA for Teens

Don't drink Robitussin to get high. It tastes vile. You're not that desperate.

A very long engagment

I am so glad that Sam and I will be getting married in a city where anyone can marry who they want.

A great tale of love, here.

Who wears short shorts?

I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!!!

...but only inside my own home.

Super Kitty!

Check out this kitty.


BIONIC PAWS!!!

The bridal industry is officially bananas

Well. I've just learned something so horrifying and disgusting that I knew I had to share it with my dear readers. Sydney, my best friend and bridesmaid, has alerted me to the fact that there is such a thing as bridal diapers.

I am not making this up.

I am flabbergasted by this. There are women out there who think it is okay to pee their pants in the name if having a gigantic wedding dress. Newsflash, you stupid harpies - IT IS NOT OKAY! If your dress is so big that it requires you to urinate on yourself, then it is TOO LARGE!

I am so freaked out right now.

Wipeout, Interrupted

I got a really odd email last night full of unsolicited and kind of condescending advice from someone I barely know. It made me really upset. The whole message initially made me feel really bad about myself, then it made me really angry, then I decided that this individual was a total garbage person, and then I realized said person didn't mean any harm, and was just someone who kind of fundamentally didn't get certain realities. But, it was all still very hard to shake off, and the bad feelings lingered... and the worst part was that ALL THIS EFFING INTERRUPTED WIPEOUT. And that is the thing that still stings.


NOT COOL, PERSON I BARELY KNOW! There is another episode of Wipeout tomorrow evening. Please refrain from emailing at that time. Let me have this.

Mid Week Observation

Life would be so much simpler, not to mention cozier, if I could just go to work in my pajamas.

Four years ago today...

...my old pal Sam and I finally consumed beer enough to kiss each other. Is that romantic or what?! The rest is history. Love you, Sammy! Happy anniversary! I'm gonna marry your ass! And the rest of you, too.

The Romper

Another poll for my devoted readers! We had our scintillating Kindle convo (no one replied, so the official result is - everyone agrees with me! People with Kindles are a-holes!), and now it's time for another question that's been irking me. Perhaps you've noticed this summer that there is a new trend in ladies fashion - the Romper. You know what I mean... this kind of thing:


On the one hand, I've seen a couple of thin, pretty girls look downright adorable in them. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure no one over the age of 5 should be wearing a freaking romper. So I'm leaning towards the answer that rompers for adults = Not Okay. Your thoughts, my loves?

People falling down is hilarious

Email I just sent Syd:

HOLY SHIT WIPEOUT COMES BACK TOMORROW

See that? Too excited to even bother with punctuation! I LOVE WIPEOUT.

Delta Wedding

I was born and raised in the countriest, poorest part of the countriest, poorest state in America. Seriously, people - it don't get more southern than the Mississippi Delta. Weddings are a massive deal down there, and one of the great pleasures of my life since I've moved away is hearing about the gigantic blowouts people throw for the 'big day.' I used to have only the annoucements in the local paper to quench my thirst for Deep South tackiness, but with the advent of Facebook, I can now find a wealth of details in living color. BEHOLD this groom's cake from a recent Delta wedding, complete with the classiest cake stand I've ever seen:


Nothing says love like the antlers that were sawed from a defenseless animal who was killed for sport!!

Remembering what's important

On Saturday, I went with two old friends and two new friends to Fatback, an amazing dance night at Bohemian Caverns on U Street. It was a sweat-tastic booty shaking great time, but in the middle of it all, we took a moment to throw up our arms and salute the memory of the Touchdown Jesus. Gone but not forgotten, old pal.

Bieber news!

In addition to finding amazing Tumblrs and being the best, Sydney had just proven herself to be a rich source of excellent Bieber news as well! Some awesome person in Maryland called the cops over the weekend because they saw Justin Bieber drinking in a bar... but when the police arrived, it turned out this Bieb-a-like was a 27 year old woman named Katie. Wonderful!

Update on the Butter Jesus

The original artist of the Touchdown Jesus, which sadly met its maker (Ed. note - HA!) earlier this week, has very generously offered to design a replacement! Fingers crossed that this statue will suggest some more unusual sports than football - I'm hoping for biathalon Jesus, myself.

Also, here's a shot of the Touchdown Jesus on fire, and I'll be gosh darned if it don't look like the Rapture:


HOLY SMOKES (and thanks to friend A-Woww for that amazing pun)!!

More Wisdom From a Coworker

"Most people are older than Justin Bieber."
-C-Money

Yes, it's true. It's so true! Here he is, in fact, with two people older than he:

Dear God! Literally!

Disaster from Southern Ohio, people. A six story tall statue of Jesus has been struck by lightning and burned to bits. The statue stood at the Solid Rock Church north of Cincinnati. I was alerted to this breaking news story by my friend Rachel, who hails from that part of the globe. She shared with me that locals refer to it as the 'Touchdown Jesus.' Let's take a look at why:


Yep, pretty much. This also reminds me of an old country music song my daddy used to sing, which was called "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life."

Rest in peace, Touchdown Jesus!

Danny DeVito has a new avian friend

It's a puffin.

At the end of the work week, one often needs a drink

Another recent convo

Rachel: i need blog reccomendations. I already read yours

me: excellent
that is the right thing to do

Well, this just arrived in my inbox

And boy, do I have some things to say about it!

First of all, Amazon, stop stalking me. I was JUST bitching about Kindles last night, and then this email shows up? What were you doing, standing outside my house and peeking through my window to see what kind of explainin' Ophelia was up to now? You're a creepy perv, give it a rest.

And then - the perfect gift for dad?! Not MY dad. My dad is a writer, and was a professor of literature for 30 years. I grew up in a house surrounded by books. If I gave him a Kindle, he'd think I was an a-hole - and that's IF he could understand what the thing even was, which is doubtful seeing as he can't even work a cell phone. And then of course there's the price on the lil sucker - nearly $500. You're right, that's the PERFECT GIFT FOR DAD... from his daughter who lives paycheck to paycheck. DIE.

Finally, let's take a look at this testimony from Douglas H in California, who loves his Kindle so much he gave it 5 stars. One of his main reasons for his e-reader adoration is that it is "easier to hold than a book." Congats, Douglas H, you are the laziest son of a biscuit eating bulldog I've come across in a long while!

Kindle, you are a sack of crap. Please stay out of my inbox.

And stop driving independent bookstores out of business while you're at it.

Movie Review from Mama

"Just saw worst movie ever - IRON MAN 2. It gets a b for bad, an s for stupid, and an l for loud."
-Submitted via text message

Kindles

So, dear readers - what do we think of people with Kindles? My thought is - people with Kindles are a-holes, but I am interested in feedback. I just asked my fiance, but he didn't know what a Kindle was, so he was of little help. Just keep being handsome and making my dinner, finace!

It's important to keep laughing

It's so essential to build some laffs into one's day, especially when things are overwhelming in the office. That's why my glorious officemate C-Money just sent me this photo:


Thanks, C-Money! Let the office good times roll!

This is what today looks like

A Recent Convo

Syd: My heart is made of puppies!
Me: Mine is made of empty wine bottles!

The Fab Five

I was on the phone with my dear mother last night, and she commented that I must be very busy, because I'd not updated my blog in about a week. "Your five readers are missing you," she said.

I'm sorry, Fab Five Followers. I shan't neglect you again!

Sydney does it again

I've often thought I should start a blog devoted to the hilarious things that pop up via Google's autocomplete feature. Luckily, someone else did it for me... and naturally, Sydney found it:

Autocomplete Me

Pterodactyls are pterrifying!