GOURD SOURCE: Issue Four

This is my birthday present from Pete:


I don't know what it is, exactly. I mean, aside from being a gourd.

GOURD SOURCE: Issue Three

Deeply disappointing: Pete does not like GOURD SOURCE. He says it is not at all what he was looking for, and that he was hoping for more "gourd research." I found this rather annoying, but he is a solid 50% of my readership, and I must give the readers what they want.

Pete: hola
me: what's shakin
Pete: listening to my new favorite band
me: what's that
Pete: http://www.thegourds.com/
me: !!!
Pete: you're tellin' me
i have a dumb question
me: shoot
Pete: do people eat gourds?
me: I DON'T KNOW!!!!
i also have that dumb question!
let's ask google

We got distracted by other things that day - specifially, what Google will autofill when you type in 'do people'* - and this remained unanswered. Let's see what we can find out!

The always reliable Yahoo Answers replies, "Yes you can eat gourds in your garden, however, I prefer to eat them inside my home, preferably in the dining room or dinette area. The last time I ate gourds in the garden I got stung by a bee." We've got a joker here, people! I don't think we can trust his answer.

The suspicious sounding Ping Ming Health states, "Bitter gourd is suitable for those who have heat in their body or during hot seasons. If you have diabetes type 2 and with the symptoms above, bitter gourd is suitable for you to eat." I'm pretty sure everyone who is alive has 'heat in their body.' I don't believe Ping Ming either.

Ask.com, which I was surprised to find still in existence, offers "Gourds are not edible they are used as decorations, I have seen them used as birdhouses, bore a little hole in the fat body part of the gourd and hang it from a tree." Fair enough, but learn how to write a proper sentence, friend.

Finally, we have The Gourdfather! He says no, don't eat your gourds. I trust him because he has an awesome name, his website offers books with titles like A Step by Step Guide to Gourd Crafts, and he makes fantastical gourd art like this:


That's it for this issue of GOURD SOURCE, readers. Remember, don't eat gourds! Instead, make weird things out of them!

*Examples of things Google will autofill in this instance include:
do people live in antarctica
do people get hurt on wipeout
do people still use pagers
do people eat placenta
do people poop when they die

GOURD SOURCE: Issue Two

Hey y'all! Time for more GOURCE SOURCE! Here is a chat Pete and I had about - you guessed it! - gourds in September of 2011.

Pete: gourds!!!!!!!!
me: yeah!!!!
Pete: YEAH!!!!!!!


me: damn, them's some lumpy ass gourds
Pete: The Gourd Lady


From my Belly Buttons collections.

This lady is sure to bring a chuckle to all that see her. She has a belly button and is proud of it, as you can see.

The Gourd People can be a Doctor, Nurse, Chef, or any profession you choose.

Made from Martin gourds, they will last a life time. Each gourd is completely dried, painted and sealed to protect the paint. The clothing and other parts are made of cotton.

me: wow, you really topped yourself with that one
Pete: i have this image of you, several months from now, in front of a mirror after a long day of dodging detritus and pounding grape, where you look at yourself and think "i have a belly button and am proud of it."
i also like how the gourd people have to have a profession. no unemployed gourds here. clearly, this website wasn't built in the past decade.
Pete: do you think i could find a florist or farmer to deliver a bouquet of gourds?
me: absolutely
you could also make your own
Pete: YOU could also make YOUR own
me: i don't want one
Pete: too bad
me: but lord, there's enough of them outside whole foods
they are fully aware there that it's motherfucking gourd season
i'll send you a photo on my way home
Pete: make it happen

GOURD SOURCE Begins!

Welcome to GOURD SOURCE, your one and only source for all the latest gourd news that Pete wants me to post!

Pete loves gourds. Here is the conversation where I discovered this:

me: http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/its-decorative-gourd-season-motherfuckers
Pete: you know i love gourds
me: i did not
you'll love that piece, then
Pete: i'm going to construct an all-gourd reenactment of your wedding
i expect it will look something like this:


me: wow, my wedding was really lumpy
Pete: it's not dissimilar to the diorama i built celebrating the celtics 2007 nba championship


me: does that count as blackface?
Pete: not if its with gourds

That's it for this edition of GOURD SOURCE. Stay tuned for more riveting posts about gourds!

A lazy magnolia

Hey Mama and Pete (and any other readers who may be out there)! My deepest apologies for not posting regularly, or at all, as of late. I could say I've been very busy at work, which is true. I could say I've been making an effort to ensure I spend more time with friends, which is also true. I could say I've been feeling uninspired and rather mentally stagnant, which ain't no lie. But what it really all boils down to is that I'm just remarkably, incredibly, historically lazy. So no more lying down on the blog! Here come the posts of animals doing adorable things, people falling down, weird town names, and - at the rabid request of 50% of my readership - a regular feature concerning news about gourds. I am not making that up.

Love y'all!