Should I buy this?

I mean, it's pretty much the perfect combination of all that Sam and I stand for as a unit.


It's an ornament, and we don't have a tree. But really, a person could hang this anywhere. It's $22.

Your thoughts?

Ophelia's Football Coverage - The Holiday Weekend

Friends! I don't have a ton to say about football this time around, actually. The Saints beat Dallas, which was awesome, but I couldn't watch because it was Thanksgiving and I had to go eat Chinese food (don't ask). The Redskins had another depressing, embarassing outing that I don't even want to go into. In great news, though, Peyton Manning got his arse handed to him by the Chargers. I don't much care about the Chargers one way or another, but I love seeing a Manning fail, so I had a lovely Sunday evening.

Finally, this happened at the Packers game:


What a great sport. What a great country, y'all. God bless us, everyone!

I am thankful for...

...this gentleman here:


Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving!

I'm just so confused

Meet Mollie. She is an orangutan toddler doll from Ashton-Drake, a company that sells realistic looking dolls, I think?


HOO BOY. On the one hand, Mollie is terrifying. On the other, the expression on her face is priceless. And on all of the hands in the world - WHO is the intended audience for this thing? Is this a doll for children? You'd have to hate your child to give it this. Much more depressing, though, is the idea that it is for adults. Who in the world would pay $150 for this thing that doesn't make sense? How can it be a realistic toddler-orangutan hybrid? THAT IS NOT A THING THAT EXISTS!

I just don't know what to make of any of this.

News good and bad

OMG Y'ALL WILLIAM AND KATE ARE GETTING MARRIED ON APRIL 29, 2011 AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY!!!!!!!!!! ROYAL WEDDING!!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALS!

One couple that was married on April 29: Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun. YIKES.

Things I Despise: The Charmin Bears

Thing about which my last post reminded me: Y'all, I hate those damn Charmin bears. This has got to be the worst ad campaign since that guy drinking Folgers wanted to boff his sister. I don't want to think about a bunch of crapping bears. It's not cute, it's GROSS.



See? Disgusting. If there is something coming out the back end of you that would require toilet paper that would stand up to a BEAR SHIT, you don't need to go buy a bunch of Charmin. You need to go see your doctor, immediately.

Kim Kardashian, please fire your publicist

Here is Kim Kardashian at the opening for a bathroom in New York.


Really giving new meaning to her nickname of Kim Kardassian. And oh wait, she can't fire her publicist cause it's her mom. Guess she'll have to keep hanging out with shit-filled bears.

The screams continue

Turns out that there was a part 2 to Oprah's Favorite Things.



See the lady weeping? I'd be doing the same damn thing the second I realized I could sell that dumb ass looking car and pay off my student loan debt!

Here is a lot of screaming!

Audience reacts to Oprah's Favorite Things episode:



On the one hand, this is hilarious, and full of very funny faces. On the other, I would TOTALLY do the same thing. Plus, everyone in that audience is someone who is a teacher, or a volunteer, or someone who strives in one way or another to make his or her community a better place. All the diamond encrusted watches for these good people, please!

I, too, am a total cookieface

Cookie Monster has a goal, y'all.



We need to make this happen.

New blog to enjoy!

I have been crazy busy as of late... but I am never too busy for QUALITY LAFFS. Please enjoy this epic new blog of funny, Damn You Auto Correct.


See what I mean? The best. Many thanks to Cassie for finding this gem.

Reader feedback!

No one ever seems to comment on OEIA anymore, which is just fine - I know y'all are still devotedly reading. You just don't know how to delete me from your browser history. However, dear friend Whitney has just sent me some feedback on my recent Folgers commercial post, and I had to share, as it gave me the laffs:

What in the name of V.C. Andrews is that shit? I watched it with the sound off so all I had were those longing glances and BARF! Also, I don’t understand why they would ever want to replace the original Peter – that guy was a stone cold fox. Standing there looking like the “Brawny Man” with his Christopher Reeve hair and fisherman’s sweater…DING DONG.

This concludes our first reader feedback post, but there will be more, my friends! Oh yes. There will be more.

A belated Veterans Day post

Another small town joke

Except this one's not really a joke. It's more a funny little tale. Mama, Daddy, Rachel and I were visiting Mama's parents in rural north Georgia. Rachel and I were having a blast going through Mama's high school yearbooks, because the vast majority of people in them looked like they crawled out from under the bed on The X-Files - seriously country looking folk. We happened upon one particularly unfortunate looking fellow and collapsed in a fit of giggles. My mother took the yearbook to see about whom we were being total a-holes.

Mama: Oh, that's Gopher!

Me and Rachel: WHAT?! His name is GOPHER?

Mama: No, that's just what we called him.

Granddaddy: He really did look like a Gopher.

Grandmama: No one in that family was very good looking.

Granddaddy: I went to school with Gopher's mother! We called her Rat Jaws.

Now every time we visit we talk about Gopher and Rat Jaws. Family bonding is so special.

A small town joke

I've just remembered a joke that people used to tell in my hometown about a particular father and son pair who never seemed to be employed. Names changed to protect the lazy:

"What's Johnny, Senior do?"

"Nothing."

"Well what's Johnny, Junior do?"

"He works for his dad."

HA!

Mess with the classics, get the creepy garbage

The holidays approacheth, readers! You can expect plenty of holiday themed posts around here, because I am marrying someone who is perhaps the world's biggest fan of Christmas. In our house, Santa decorations are all-the-time decorations. Between the day after Thanksgiving and New Year's, Sam wears a Santa hat while he cooks, instead of a chef's cap. The man is serious about Christmas, and it is contagious. I've become downright sappy about the holidays myself since hitching my wagon to Sammy.

Here is a classic Christmas commercial that just gets me EVERY. TIME. It is just a great freaking ad - one that stands the test of time because it grabs at familiar emotions in all of us... ones of homecoming, and everything being the same, just like a cup of the coffee Mom always makes. Oh God, I'm tearing up already. Let's just watch it:



WELL. For some dumbass reason, Folger's decided last year that this great commercial, which has been running every year since the 1980s and is still PERFECT, needed updating. And here is what they came up with:



HOLY INCEST that is creepy! What is with all the lingering looks? It seriously looks like those siblings are in love with each other. A Compson Christmas, anyone? (Bonus points if anyone gets the Faulkner reference!) Take this as a lesson, advertisers - leave well enough alone, lest you create a commercial so creepy that people start to think drinking Folger's makes you want to hump your brother.

Putin got a new puppy

Here it is!


It is very fluffy! Putin is having the Russian people submit their ideas for a name for this sweet pup. Gawker has suggested Puprestroika, which - LOLOL.

A Recent Convo - On Gchat

Pete: i need you to weigh in on something for me
i made a choice today
and i'm not sure if it's bachelor or lowbrow

me: ok

Pete: i have blue toilet water

me: lowbrow

Pete: shit

me: seems more like old person, really
but like an old person on fixed income

Pete: good point

me: can i put this on my blog?

Pete: about my blue water?
Sent at 9:48 PM on Tuesday

me: yes
this conversation

Pete: well here's the thing
i got sick of cleaning the bowl
i clean it all te time
seriously
i'll clean it, pee and then the whole thing will look orange again
like there are iron deposits in it
Sent at 9:51 PM on Tuesday

me: oih my
oh
do you have that thing king george the whatever had??
the thing that turns your pee bright orange

Pete: what?

me: holy crap, he had porphyria?!
mad king george
it was red, not orange

Pete: no. it's not me. it's the water.

me: oh, that's good

Pete: it happens in my shower too.
but i'm sick of looking at it
so now it's blue
and yes, you can use this conversation

Wills Wedding Watch

Massive news today - Prince William, heir to the throne of the greatest country in the world (Fun Ophelia Fact: I'm a total Anglophile) is ENGAGED! The lucky lady is one Kate Middleton, who I know little about other than I covet her hair. Seriously, does she give hair lessons? I need hair lessons. But back to the happy couple! I've been obsessed with the British royal family for as long as I can recall, and you can bet that OEIA will be teeming with coverage of these impending nuptials in the months leading up to this all-important union... starting with my own personal history with the man known as Wills.

When I was around 12 or 13, shortly before Princess Di passed away, I noticed something - her eldest son, William, had grown up quite a bit... and William was HAWT. I swiftly developed a hardcore crush on him, and concocted what I thought was really a pretty reasonable scheme for how to meet him. I already had plans to move to London and become the most celebrated actress on the theatre scene. I knew that William's pops, Prince Chuckles, was a patron of the arts, so surely his son would be as well. It was only a matter of time before Prince William would come to see me play Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (totally reasonable dream role for an aspiring tween actress to want to portray), be so stunned by my amazing performance that he would demand to meet me immediately, and fall in love with me at first sight. His grandmother would have objections, naturally, but she would come to love me - along with the whole of British society. William and I would then marry, be in love forever, and I'd have really effing great hair.

That didn't pan out. A few years later, I realized I wasn't a very good actress, and decided to major in English instead. And I did go to London, and I met an incredible person named Sam. He didn't fall in love with me at first sight, but I wore him down eventually.

Anyway, major soft spot for William, and I'm so happy we are getting married next year, but not to each other!

Next Wills Wedding Watch post - who the heck is this Kate Middleton, and what kind of conditioner does she use?

Ophelia's Football Coverage - Did that really happen?

Friends, Sam was off last night, and we settled in for some Monday night football. It was the Skins, Sam's fave! And they were playing their divisional rivals, Filthydelphia! This was sure to be one hell of a game.

It was not one hell of a game. Something like 10 seconds in, the Eagles scored after pit bull hater Michael Vick threw an 88 yard pass. It was all downhill from there. It was like the Skins were dogs, and Michael Vick was... well, Michael Vick. It pretty much looked like this for the next several hours:

 

Pardon the unfortunate pun, but WOOF, that was brutal.

Helpful fact

Is anyone else on Weight Watchers? I am on Weight Watchers, and it's exactly as much fun as you would think. Pretty much all I think about is food. And wine. And all the things I should not be consuming. BUT as a young woman who lives on a very tight budget, and who is trying to lose 10 pounds before her upcoming wedding, it was awesome to learn* this great fact yesterday - Food that is free is lower in Weight Watchers points**. For example, last night Sam brought home some pulled pork from Cashion's, along with coleslaw and potato salad. It was delectable and, since I didn't have to pay for it, it was only 5 Weight Watchers points instead of the 9 or 10 it would have been if I'd had to pay for it! I hope this vital piece of news helps you all go forth and live lives of svelte frugality.

*Learn = decide for myself
**Blatantly untrue

I love garbage television

Sam always wonders why I like horrible television, particularly one of his least favorites America's Next Top Model. But last week the poor soul actually watched with me... and I think he got it, just a little. Here is an actual screenshot from that episode:


Tragically, this girl got eliminated. BITCH WAS ROBBED!

Rainy Tuesday

It's very grim out there today in the District, so I am of course wearing my trusty rain boots. It's important to be sure to wear your boots if weather conditions are going to be poor, because wet feet are just a one way ticket on the train to Fussytown. This piglet has the right idea:


See how happy he looks? I encourage you to visit Buzzfeed's post on animals wearing boots. These are some smart creatures! Keep your feet dry and warm, readers!

Maru update

Maru continues to climb into boxes with aplomb, regardless of size.

Basement living

One of the many fun things about living in a basement is that I can hear pretty much everything that goes on upstairs. My landlord is currently having a total jamfest by himself. He was grooving to some techno, and I thought that was the worst. But now he's playing Coldplay and it is, in fact, so much worse than the techno was. As the Countess from Real Housewives of New York said - Money Can't Buy You Class. Or taste, apparently.

Worlds have collided

WELL. So 'Drumline' was on tv tonight, and I watched a bit of it. It's a movie I really love, because it brings back so many memories of growing up in Mississippi and seeing marching bands TOTALLY BRING IT. Marching bands are a big deal in the south, and my hometown has a big Christmas parade every year where high school bands from all over the Mississippi Delta march through downtown, and even some university bands too. The year that Grambling State came to play was a huge deal - they are one of the best marching bands around, and let me tell you - watching them play and dance down Grand Boulevard was one of the highlights of my youth. Anyway, the point of all this is, I was looking up youtube videos of Grambling State... and I'll be damned if they didn't play a Justin Bieber song this year.



It's like they KNEW.

Stupid cute photo dump

Y'all, I am seriously about to knock your socks off with cuteness. I hope you will bookmark this post and refer back to it when you are having a garbage day and need a pick me up. If these images don't warm your heart, you need to go see your doctor because you have a serious condition called being dead inside.

I took a quiz once about the breed of dog that would best match my personality and lifestyle. The result was a Basset Hound.


YES, PLEASE!

What's that? A puppy is not enough cuteness for you? How about a baby elephant settling down for a nap!


God, I love elephants.

I can see that one baby animal at a time is not cutting it. How about... A PILE OF BABY OTTERS!!


Fine. Fine, people. Here is the cutest photo of the day. It is of two guinea pigs sharing a snack because they love each other and are best friends.



Oh, hell. You've died. I've killed you with cuteness. Now who will read this blog?

Another amazing clip from The Feud

Y'all, why is Canadian Family Feud so much better? American Family Feud is total garbage compared to this!



Shall we start a petition to the Game Show Network to demand that the superior Feud be aired? WHO IS WITH ME?! The Naked Grandma, perhaps?


Ed. note - I've just learned that this is not Canadian Family Feud. I read somewhere on the interwebs that it was, but it is not. It is American Family Feud! Side note - when did everything you read on the interwebs not become automatically true? Anyway, Steve Harvey started hosting Family Feud in the grand old US of A in September of this year. Thank ass, cause watching Richard Karn and that dude who was Elaine's boss on Seinfeld host the Feud is pretty lame.

Hurdles day marches on

And continues to be very, very painful!

Hurdles day, post dos

There are just so many videos out there of hurdle fails.

Hurdles day!

Hey, y'all. Thanks to a lot of gchatting with Pete and watching of youtube videos, today is now Hurdles Day on OEIA! Get ready for a bunch of videos of people falling down.



Thanks, Pete!

Ophelia's Football Coverage Marches On!

Friends, awesome news - THE SKINS DIDN'T LOSE THIS WEEKEND!!! Sam was delighted. Of course, they didn't lose because they didn't play, but a person has to find silver linings in the wide world of sports. As for my team, the glorious New Orleans Saints, they steamrolled over the hapless Panthers, 34-3. WHO. DAT. Of course, I didn't get to actually WATCH that game because it was not broadcast in this fetid Federal City... so instead, I will share with you a highlight from a recent football game at Driscoll Middle School in Totally Badass, USA:



I think it's safe to say that kid will have no trouble getting asked to the Sadie Hawkins Dance this year. Or whatever it is kids do in middle school these days. Meth?

Playing catch up

Home sick today with a sore throat and the sniffles, but I feel guilty about doing nothing (thank you, Catholic upbringing!). I have about a million things I should be doing - work, cleaning pretty much my entire apartment, a boatload of things for the wedding, research on Randy and Evi Quaid (Pete has requested a post! I guess I am taking requests now?)... and yet all I am doing is catching up on the latest in fart news:



I think the dad is my favorite part.

Another Halloween costume

Thanks to good friend Ben for sharing this great costume idea! Slap some bread on yourself and go as a hot dog!


Ben, I hope you're already prepping this costume for yourself for next year.

Football - The Ophelia Coverage Continues!

I've not done my football recaps in several weeks, and I apologize. I know y'all have been weeping and rending your garments wondering when they will return. Well, I'm pleased to say that just in time for the Redskins to get beaten by truly one of the worst teams in football, I AM BACK!

Seriously, the Lions?! They are wretched! They ALWAYS lose! Sam's boss, Chef Buddy, commented recently that the Skins are really talented at helping other teams break their losings streaks and/or boost their otherwise dismal records. The Washington Redskins: Assisting Other Teams in Realizing Their Dreams!

In a much more interesting game, the Saints beat the Steelers 20-10!! I really enjoy the football recaps that Pittsburgh native and Steelers fan Dan Hopper does at Best Week Ever, and here is what he had to say about this one:

I found it hard to get too upset over this one, as the quarterback who made an unsolicited, unpublicized six-figure donation to the cancer center in New Orleans where my good friend works defeated the quarterback who I would not leave my good friend alone with.

LOLZ it's true! Drew Brees seems to be a really great person, and Ben Roethlisberger seems like a predatory asshole. When he loses, morality wins! GEAUX SAINTS!

A Recent Convo

With my mom, natch.

Me: Laura Bush was one of the speakers at the conference.
Mama: Oh, how was THAT?
Me: Eh. She was cutesy and pointless.
Mama: Well what did you expect? She's like talking toast.

I miss Halloween!

I never dress up for Halloween anymore. I used to really enjoy it, but now I'm too lazy to even bother. Probably my best ever costume was the year I went as an adult baby. My friend Pete diapered me in one of his t-shirts, I wore a toddler's shirt that said 'I love toy trains!' and I carried a baby bottle full of bourbon and water. There are photos of this, and I will share them with you when you're older. What was your best ever costume? I guarantee it was not as good as Snoop's this year: