Laughter as medicine = NO JOKE!

I was just sitting here freaking the eff out about this sleep study I have to go do tonight, but then I read Buzzfeed's post about the funniest celeb Tweets of the year, and y'all I just LOL'd so hard and I feel better. Here is the one that really had me rolling:


SO GOOD.

Overheard in the kitchen

On Tuesday, Sam and I enjoyed a rare day off together. While we were eating breakfast, he made an astute observation:

"Wow, we're up before noon, we're reading the paper, we've got NPR on the radio. We're like real live people with a house and a mortgage!"

Old people are great

I just love these two. They are what my mom and dad will be like in 20 years. And, a bit, what they are like now...



Thanks to Leah for this amazing clip!

Neck news

My lovely work colleagues continue to supply quality blog content! This time it's from pal and peer Lindsey, who alerted me to this fascinating Slate slideshow on the widest necks in the NFL. One of the highlights for me was Chiefs team member Kelly Gregg, who clearly has attempted to overcome having a somewhat feminine first name by having the world's manliest neck:


Kelly is something called a 'nose tackle,' but one look tells you he ought to become a neck tackle. Y'all mosey on over to Slate and check out all those wide ass necks!

Best facebook post ever?

Per usual, the very best of the internet has just been delivered to my inbox by my dear friend Sydney. I have been giggling intermittently over this for at least 20 minutes now, and trying to figure out how to share this item with you without exposing the identities of the guilty. Suddenly, like a beacon of light from 1995 (ok, Syd suggested it, duh), came the answer: PAINT! So here, with my strongest efforts at using Microsoft Paint, is the best facebook post ever:


HAHAHAHA OMG what an a-hole! I want to high five this woman for being so awesomely a-holeish. Happy holidays, a-hole! Please never change.

Happy Holidays, with a side of nostalgia tears!

My beloved alma mater, Oberlin College, has created the most delightful holiday video.



Sigh. Anyone else teary at your desk at 2pm? LOVE YOU, OBERLIN!!!

From the neighborhood

My dear friend Leah sent me this Very Good Photo she took in the vicinity of our office just the other day:


For realz, y'all. The driveway needs love too.

I know what Pete's getting for Christmas!

BEEFY!!

Corgi news!

Two small pieces of corgi news for you, dear readers. Buzzfeed has just posted a video of some confused corgi puppies. It is very, very good:



My pal Marla has a corgi (lucky lady!!!!!), and he recently participated in an all-corgi holiday parade! CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!?!


What a world!

More from our good friend R

We've already discussed the brilliant title of R Kelly's brand new autobiography, Soula Coaster. Over Thanksgiving, I learned from my sister that R has been cranking out genuis wordsmithery for years now. I'd like to share with you some of the remarkably descriptive lyrics from his sensual hit, "In the Kitchen":

girl ur in the kitchen
cookin me a meal
somethin makes me wanna come in there and get a feel...

cuttin up tomatoes
fruits and vegetables and potatoes
girl u look so sexy while ur doin the damn thang

sex in the kitchen
over by the stove
put u on the counter
by the buttered rolls...

Phew, is it hot in here, or is it just me?! Could be cause we're right be the stove, I suppose.

Favorite swears

I've just come to the realization that long swears appear to run in my family! My dad's favorite swear (usually directed at inanimate objects that get in his way) is:

GODDAMNSONOFABITCH.

My favorite swear (usually directed at emails I receive from morons) is:

SHITFUCKHELLDAMN.

What's your favorite swear? Do you like them short and sweet, or do you string together several words for a triple or even quadruple whammy of damnation? Inquiring Ophelias want to know!

You can tell this will be a good day

MR. PANCAKE CALLED AGAIN!!!!


I love you, Mr. Pancake!

HELLO THERE!

My pal Lindsey just sent me this incredible video of a delightful, friendly bear!



I hope Sam is ready to spend the evening watching this 7 seconds of bliss over and over and over!

News from the steno pool!

Here are some exciting things that have happened in the steno pool today:

1. Had to break out a fresh notebook for my to-do lists. These notebooks are actually called 'steno pads' which pleases me to no end.

2. A man called my boss. His name was Mr. Pancake.

That's it so far, but there's 2 hours left in this fine day!

Whoops, had a brain accident!

HEY Y'ALL! Haven't blogged in a while, because Thanksgiving and Christmas and work and the holidays and soooooooooo busy, and also a couple of weekends ago I was admitted to the hospital cause my brain basically did this:



But luckily after my brain fell on its own face, much like this baby panda, it got back up and has kept on trucking ever since. Deep Ophelia Thought: A seizure is like a literal brain fart. Ha!

Folgers is still airing that awful ad

Remember last year, when I freaked the hell out about Folgers updating their classic 'Peter Comes Home for Christmas' holiday commercial and making it all creepy and horrible and weird? Well, they DID NOT pay any attention to my scathing critique because I've already seen the 'revised' version on tv this holiday season. Please revisit my post from last year, but have a barf bucket on hand. That second commercial is as nasty as a McRib.

Pro-tip: Make sure you are wearing a fantastic shirt

...just in case you get arrested and have a mugshot photo taken! Syd sent me this hilarious collection of mugshots with truly wonderful shirts in them. Here are but a few:


I like a man who values his wife!


There really is someone out there for everyone.


Not yet, anyway... but the day in jail is young!

Allergies

In addition to being EXTREMELY DANGEROUS, all these damn leaves flying all over the place are making me sneeze!



It's annoying, and in some cases - as seen above - rather unnerving.

Hoisted by my own petard!

Well. It goes without saying that at some point, as the author of a blog that derives a great deal of content from videos of people falling down, I was going to fall down myself. And on Thursday night, fall down I did! I slipped on some wet leaves while scurrying across the street, completely lost my balance, fell ass-over-teakettle* and smacked my chin on the sidewalk. It hurt so badly that I thought I'd fractured my jaw, but a trip to the doctor told me my only problem was wounded pride... and a seriously nasty bruise:


I have new empathy for my fellow fallers. I am a fallen woman!

*Phrase copyrighted to P. Chambers, Fall 2003, Soho Square, London.

Shut down all the book awards, the winner is here

R. Kelly, singer, closet dweller and urine afficionado, has written his autobiography!! And if the title is any indication, it's going to be one brilliant read:


It's being released next week, just in time for the holidays! What a lovely, soulful gift.

Sam is cooking!

There's not much I can add to this.

It's hump day once again!

Don't let the fact that there's half the week left to go get you down. Rejoice in the fact that half of the week is behind you, and slap a smile on your face!



I just want to throw something in his mouth! Maybe a McRib? From my research, McRibs seem to be made at least partially of dog food.

Via Videogum, duh.

What is the big deal about the McRib?

Every few years, the commercials return, blaring the news that 'MCRIB IS BACK!!!' Who are the people who are excited by this? Who are the people who were missing the McRib? I've never had one but the thing looks disgusting to me. I decided to poll my friends about the McRib. Here are some of the responses I got:

It's made out of pig anuses!!!

Delicious. But you know I'm biased! (Ed. note - this respondee is about to marry someone who works for the McDonald's Corporation)

Nasty as s#!^. I liked it when i was 5. tried it again recently. No me gusta.

I'm really confused about how it looks like ribs but there are no bones!

A culinary miracle.

i don't understand what it is. is it meat shaped to look like ribs?

NOPE.

delish

McHeartburn

McVomit

I feel like it's probably a pretty good thing. I like that it looks like a rack of ribs but there's no actual bones. I think that's neat! Are you getting all this? Do I need to repeat anything for you?

People talk about it too much.

Where did the bones go? Why are there no bones?

DELICIOUS!!

(barrrrrffffff) (pause) (baaaarrrrfffff)

What a divisive food-like substance the McRib has turned out to be! For the record, I think they are frightening, as I do all McDonald's food. Have y'all seen those McGriddle things? They have 'pockets of syrup.' What the hell is that?!

Overheard in the lobby

I just ran into one of my coworkers in the lobby. She is a fellow curly-haired lady. We had the following exchange.

Her: Hey, did you straighten your hair??
Me: I did! I straightened it this morning!
Her: Isn't it so much fun?
Me: It is!!
Her: Can't you just not stop running your fingers through it?
Me: I CAN'T!!!

If you have curls, you totally get this conversation. If you do not, eff you and your easy ass hair (just kidding, love you!).

A very good joke

I just heard a great joke!

Q: What is the best time to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty.

HA!

A marvelous dancer!

I took dance lessons for ten years. I took tap and jazz and ballet. I loved it, but I was never as good as this prairie dog.



I've considered taking up dancing again, but I'd never reach these sorts of creative heights.

Via

How was your Halloween?

My Halloween was great fun! Sydney and I dressed up as characters from the movie Heathers. We thought we looked awesome:


Unfortunately, not very many folks seemed to get who we were supposed to be. For example, I just got this email from Syd:

I talked to my mother last night. She said she liked our costumes, even though she didn't know what Heathers were. I was like, "you liked it on facebook! what did you think we were?" And she said, "Croquet playing nannies!"

Ophelia fact - I love zombies

I enjoy zombies a lot! Even less threatening zombies, like these, are good.

Happy Halloween!

Get a cute costume.



And don't drink too much!

Marvelous headline

My delightful friend Bennifer, the very man who suggested I start this here blog, has emailed me an article with one of the better headlines I've seen in some time:

Man Caught Having Sex with Donkey Claimed It Was a Shapeshifting Hooker

More, here.

Obie news

This is fun, but don't read it if you're my mom or my boss or some other authority figure, cause it's got a lot of cursing.

Why the fuck should I choose Oberlin?

Submit your own! Or don't, if you didn't go there. Whatever.

My first corgi

Anyone of my seven readers could testify to the fact that I love a corgi. The first corgi I ever met - indeed, the first one I'd ever seen or even heard of - was Ted, the dog of my dear high school friend Gordon. Ted was basically happiness in a fur covered body and stumpy ass legs, and I adored him instantly. But, as happens sometimes despite the best of intentions, Gordon and I largely lost touch for a while, and that of course meant no more Ted in my life. As we progressed through college, a number of my friends suffered the loss of their childhood pets, and one day it occured to me - Holy crap, Ted must be dead!!

Well it delights me to tell you all that Ted is NOT dead! Ted, it turns out, is alive and thriving and living in Knoxville, TN. He has a lovely life with Gordon's mom and dad and they take him on all kinds of very fun trips. Gordon sent me a photo of Ted just the other day:


LOVE YOU TED!!

Fun fact - Gordon also has a pet hedgehog named Hoggie Bear. I thought it would be gross but it is adorable. He has two cats as well, but who cares about those.

Palate cleanser

Lousy day? Bad weather? Favorite sex dwarf get eaten by sassy rodent? This video of a baby goat just having a kick ass time will lift your spirits in no time!



Via Videogum's column 'Petting Zoo,' very reliable source for amazing animal posts.

Midget news

Here is some midget news:


Pardon me, I meant dwarf news. I know how irritated I get when folks get my name wrong. Apologies to you, dead dwarf!

RPD 3 - Bear

Here is a photo of a bear looking sad. I labeled it 'Heard About Charmin' when I saved it.

RPD 2 - Street sign near my house

Someone doctored this sign. Love it.

Random picture day!

I realize I've been neglecting my poor blog once again, but I just do not have time to comb the interwebs for gems right now. So instead, I am going to bring you random pictures I have saved on my computer to use in blog posts that never got written. Here's one that came up when I did a Google image search for 'steno pool':


YEP!

More random pictures to come as the day wears on!

ACK!

Here is a really ugly sweatshirt that aptly describes my mental and emotional state these days:


And here is a video that was able to cut through that stress and bring a smile to my droopy maw:



Hahaha! Corgi rodeo! That's so great. Like a salve to the soul.

Via, where you can find many other adorable animal videos as well.

Friends + Internet = Betterment of the day

Stressful and harried and, if I'm being honest, kinda sad is how I'd describe this week so far. But with just half an hour left to go in what's been a particular downer of a work day, Sydney sent this glorious deposit to my LOLk*.



*LOLk = nomenclature invented by Videogum to refer to your investment portfolio of laffs.

New guilty pleasure

My big sister Goo has gotten me completely hooked on the catchiest song I've heard as of late.



These are my confessions. Grover, can you help me out with my feelings please?

Don't you just love a nice bath?

Sam and I only have a shower in our little apartment, and boy do I miss having a bathtub. It's so relaxing to treat yourself to a hot bath after a long day's work. This baby gorilla, Joe, agrees with me:



Via

Unusual Town Names: Drab, PA

Pete just emailed me with a town for Unusual Town Names: Drab, PA. Unfortunately, as with several past towns, there's not much info about Drab. As far as I can tell, it seems to be a wide spot in the road in Blair County, PA. Here's what I could find:

Latitude: 40.37139 : Longitude: -78.23722 : Elevation: 1200 ft

Welcome to Drab ...
Please Note: At this time, we have very little information about Drab.

Seems like it lives up to its name!

It's Fashion Week!

Here is a photo of Nicki Minaj sitting next to Anna Wintour at a fashion show.


It pretty much speaks for itself.

It's football time again!

I'm deeply saddened that summer is over, because it means that my beloved DC public pools are closed until next year. One bright spot about fall, though, is the return of football season! And the very first game of the year, broadcast across the great US of A last night, featured my personal fave team the New Orleans Saints! Unfortunately, they lost despite valiant efforts, so I don't really want to talk about it. Instead, let's talk about this very fun post on Buzzfeed about NFL player anagrams. I like anagrams cause they are fun and silly! The post is full of gems, but I particularly enjoy this one for Cleveland Browns wide receiver Mohamed Massaquoi:


Heehee!

Here is a funny video

HAY GURL!



Via Dlisted

New things - Pros and cons

It's good to try new things. You might be pleasantly surprised if you just apply a bit of courage and forge ahead!



Then again, you might get the bejesus scared out of you, like this poor baby.

Someone's wearing her bad idea jeans

Lindsay Lohan has been tweetin' at noted girlfriend beater Chris Brown.


Linds, I hope you'll leave this one a-lohan.

Kitty Wells is 92 today!

My dad does a lot of random singing around the house, and one of his favorites to croon is 'Gathering Flowers for the Master's Bouquet' by Kitty Wells. Imagine my surprise to discover that not only is Kitty still alive and kicking, today is her 92nd birthday!


Happy birthday, Kitty! I'm sure Larry will holler this great tune extra loud in your honor today.

Pro-tip: Go for a slide

Look at this little fox who has created himself a slide on a conveyor belt!


He looks so happy, and like he is having the best time! I'm on staycation starting tomorrow, and one of my goals will be to find a slide and do some quality sliding. You should go for a slide too!

Jack seems to have gotten... LOST!

In celebrity news, it appears that Matthew Fox, former star of that show on which I wasted six seasons worth of television time, Lost, might be a bit lost emotionally as well. Poor old Former Jack got tanked in Cleveland and tried to board some random party bus, and the bus driver denied him entry since he was not invited to that particular party... and so he punched her in the boobs. And then in the crotch!

Jack, calm down! I bet he thought the bus was an entry portal to get back to the island and craft a decent ending for that damn show. I'm totally still mad about the cop-out Lost ending, can you tell?

Actual thought I just had

"Ah, nothing like a fresh pack of post it flags!"

#secretarystuff #stenopool

Fancy vacations

The other night, Sam and I were eating dinner at a bar at the same time as another 'restaurant couple' - a young chef and his wife. They were talking about their fancy upcoming vacation to the South Pacific. The bartender came back down to us after speaking with them...

Bartender: Isn't Cashion's closing for a vacation soon?
Sam: Yep, Labor Day.
Bartender: Are you guys going somewhere awesome?
Me: Ahem. We are taking a vacation... to Baltimore.
Bartender: I'd say that is AT LEAST as exotic as the South Pacific.

Found on Boston Craigslist

This gem from the interwebs was sent to me by my dear friend Johanna. It's a posting from Boston's 'for sale' section on Craigslist:

Chocolate Chip Boot - $10 (Boston Area)

A chocolate chip cook in the shape of a antique boot with a flare jean. ten dollars or best offer. its a once and a life time deal. its a rare item.


$10 for a single cookie? WORTH EVERY PENNY!

Tattoos

A not insignificant number of people in my neighborhood seem to have tattoos designed to honor a loved one who has passed on. Just now I was leaving the store, and a young woman by the door had one on her arm that said:

R.I.P PIE

If I had a tattoo to immortalize the day I've had today, it would say:

R.I.P. POUND CAKE

Overheard at the Eat Place

Customer: What exactly are sweetbreads?
Bartender: They're thymus glands.
Customer: From a HUMAN?!?!?!?!?!

Someone in Russia fell down

I was just saying last night that I desperately need new running shoes.



Apparently I am not the only one!

Via

Unusual Town Names: Panther Burn, MS

Not too terribly far from my hometown lies a tiny Delta hamlet with a most unusual name: Panther Burn, MS.


I wanted to share tons of great facts about Panther Burn with you, my dear dedicated 6 readers, but there are just not very many available. All I got was that it's unincorporated but does have a post office, it is on Highway 61, and it is near the also wonderfully named Nitta Yuma and Rolling Fork. I did stumble across some fascinating non-facts on this conspiracy theories website, in a thread titled 'Does Satan live in Panther Burn, MS?' The consensus seems to be that he does not, as Satan would choose to live somewhere much nicer than Mississippi.

From the front lines of interspecies friendships

Here is a chimp named DoDo who has made friends with a tiger cub named Aorn. DoDo is such an amazing friend that he bottle feeds his little buddy!



If there's anything that will make Monday less heinous, it's a monkey in jorts giving a bottle to a baby tiger.

I really enjoy baseball

America's pasttime! Hot dogs, beer, sunshine, the crack of the bat... and sulking.



And boob grabbing in front of God and everybody... and Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy. I sure do miss those two!



Thanks to Buzzfeed for the first video, and Pete, of course, for the latter. PLAY BALL!!!

It's seriously so hot!

If I am outside this week, and not in a pool, this is a pretty good summation of what I feel like:



I had to shut my office door and mop myself with paper towels when I got in this morning. My dear friend Dave said he had to go stand for 10 minutes in his lab's walk in fridge. Dave is a scientist who works with monkey rectums... but that's a story for another post.

Just got sent this, sans commentary

...by Sydney, who sends me all the best things.



That is all.

For Sydney

Syd and I had a great summer weekend together. Wine on her porch, popcorn and a movie (note: Horrible Bosses sucks, don't bother seeing it), and two trips to our new favorite place - the community pool! It's hard to beat swimming and sunshine with your bestie... even if it does result in a sunburn. As a thank you to her, I present THIS:



YAY SYD AND AMELIA! AND SLOTHS!

A message from Soulja Boy

Don't forget!

Have you seen Harry Potter yet?

I have not, but I am a very big Harry Potter fan and while I can't wait to see the final film, I am also dreading the end of the franchise. Luckily some intrepid souls on Twitter have been playing a little game called #GrownUpHarryPotterBooks. Buzzfeed collected their faves:


HA! The comments had more gems:

Harry Potter Realizes he has Become Uncle Vernon

Harry Potter Gets Excited About his New Septic System

Harry Potter Refinances

Crabbe and Goyle Make More Money than Harry Potter

Harry Potter Needs a Gastroenterologist

Harry Potter Wonders if This is All There Is

Yes, Harry. With the end of your books and movies, this is pretty much all there is.

This was a long week!

Summer is supposed to be an easygoing season, but that is not the case in the steno pool. I've been very busy! Too busy to blog! That's just not okay, so I'm taking a break to share with you this very special clip of someone falling down - it's so special because it involves a trampoline!



OUCH! Maybe one less beer before you attempt that next time, pal!

Via Videogum

More Sleepy Sam Speak

This morning I went to make sure Sam was getting up, as he has a double at Cashion's and needed to be out the door by about 8:45. I put my hand on his shoulder to wake him up and was about to say something, but before I opened my mouth he said:

"I'm not dressed like a clown!"

I let him keep sleeping for a bit longer, since he was apparently having a really entertaining dream.

Zardoz Update! We have Pete to thank.

I was leaving the gym yesterday and got this text from Pete:

"I was the one that told you about Zardoz!!!!!!!!!!!"

He was not pleased that I had forgotten! He forwarded me a Gchat from March 2010 as proof:

10:17 PM Pete:



10:19 PM Amelia: hahaha what the eff is this
10:20 PM Pete: sean connerey movie
Amelia: i'm kind of in love with this
Pete: isn't it great?
10:21 PM Amelia: it's like garbage day times 1 million
10:22 PM omg he just netted a bitch
Pete: who?
Amelia: zardoz
Pete: ZARDOZ!!!
10:23 PM Amelia: haha
i'm loving the graphics
Pete: it's so good
i have another great one
Pete:



10:24 PM no connery but it's great
10:25 PM Amelia: MONA THE WOOLY MONKEY
dying
dead
wow
also, i love that mars is so flaming
10:26 PM Pete: but scientifically accurate
Amelia: i love that mona gets top billing
10:27 PM i love everything!
Pete: she's a fox
Amelia: where did you find these
Pete: youtube
Amelia: well duh
but how
10:28 PM Pete: i saw a website with the posters from these movies
they're great
Amelia: how do you have time to discover such treasures?
you're in law school!
you are truly a man for all seasons
10:29 PM Pete: thats me

A movie I love - Zardoz

I've never actually seen Zardoz, but it is one of my favorite movies. I can't remember how I found out about it, but I know I saw the trailer for this 1974 insta-classic on some blog, at some time, and fell immediately in love:



I had forgotten all about Zardoz, though, until I saw this post on Best Week Ever that puts it right back in the spotlight where it belongs.


ZARDOZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Overheard in my office

This woman from another department just came in my office to drop something off for my boss. After handling me the folder, she bent over, put her face near my stomach, and the following exchange occured:

Her: Is it in there yet?
Me: What?
Her: THE BABY!!!
Me: WHAT?!?!?!?!

I need a raise.

It's hard to beat a long weekend

I just got the marvelous news that the office is closing at 3pm on Friday! Plus we are closed on Monday for the Fourth of July (one of my very fave holidays), AND I am taking off Tuesday to spend some time with Mr. Whams. I'm going to celebrate by finding a nice park and enjoying some sunshine, just like this sweet doggie:


Here are 24 more doggies taking some time for a nice swing.

David's trying to teach me how to post a gif

Let's see if it works:



Courtesy of Animals Being Dicks.

Sleepy Sam Speak

Conversation I had with mah hubs this morning while he was sleeping:

Me: See you tonight! I'm going to work.
Sam: You can tell me... address?
Me: You want to know your address?
Sam: No, YOUR address.
Me: I live on T Street, same as you.
Sam: But... what about the peas?
Me: You want me to bring you peas?
Sam: No, the peas for LATER!
Me: Yep, see you tonight.

Fin.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, we're back!

All week I've book looking for something inspiring or hilarious enough that I felt compelled to Put It On The Blog, to no avail. Then, this morning, while watching episode 6 of Gabe and Max Like the Internet, I came across this delightful security camera footage from the Clapham Junction station in London:



That's all it took, it turns out, to make me feel like sharing with my 7 readers again... just a really solid video of someone falling down! He fell down SO WELL, did he not?

Pro tip: Take the window seat

Haven't been blogging much lately, as my 7 readers may have noticed. People are continuing to fall down all over the place, and baby animals haven't ceased to do stupid cute stuff, but my mind has been elsewhere as of late. First my mom almost died. Then my uncle actually died. It's all been really, really sad and shitty! And then on my flight home from my uncle's funeral, some guy was putting his suitcase in the overhead bin and dropped it square on my head. It hurt a lot! It was like the physical equivalent of my emotional state, though, so it was also kind of funny!

Anyway, the moral of all this is - take the window seat, where douchebags can't drop things on your noggin. And also go here to watch the trailer for the Muppets movie, which is fun.

Edna Johnston is awesome

I don't know where she found it, but Syd just sent me this:


Edna is my kind of woman.

So, my mom had a minor heart attack. Nuts!

It totally sucked and was really scary, but she's fine now and her heart looks super awesome and her arteries look so amazing they are basically like tiny Heidi Klums snaking all over her bod. Also amazing - cardiologists apparently use their iPhones to take photos of people's innards, cause that's what the doctor used to show me photos of my mother's innards. While he was showing me the photos, a text popped up that said 'So do I induce seizure?' and the doctor sighed and rolled his eyes and gave me this look that was like 'Can you believe these morons I have to put up with?' and I gave him a look back that was like 'Do you seriously make these sorts of decisions via text message on your iPhone?'

Anyway, many many thanks to the doctors and nurses at Women's, River Oaks and St. Dominics Hospitals in Jackson, MS for saving my mother's life and providing the Sams fam the chance to come together and discuss important issues!

Mama: Can you explain to me why Justin Bieber's hair looks like that?
Me: Well, he cut it off recently. It's a lot more normal now.
Mama: Thank God. He looked ridiculous.

Blast from the past: Terry Tate

When I was in college, a close friend of mine introduced me to the short-lived web series Terry Tate: Office Linebacker. It was some kind of promotional thing Reebok did, but we didn't really care about that - we just liked seeing people getting their asses handed to them. Illegally consuming a few adult beverages, watching these things, and laughing until we cried was one of our favorite things to do. Here is a compilation for you, my dear readers, of the best of Terry Tate: Office Linebacker:



These are actually exponentially funnier to me now that I've spent six years working in office environments. We could really use a Terry Tate around here sometimes.

A very greedy chipmunk

Sounds like a Beatrix Potter tale, doesn't it? This is Eleanor, a chipmunk who lives in the backyard of Great Britain resident Lynne. Eleanor is a major eater and likes to cram her mouth cave with as much food as possible. I can relate!


You saucy minx, Ellie! You keep on eating that corn. Life's short.

It's Maru's birthday!

Y'all, Maru is 3 years old! That is 21 in cat years, which means he's probably completely tanked, which would really explain all that weird ass hopping into boxes he does. He's just drunk! Anyway, his owner made this delightful compilation video for Maru's many fans:



Awesome.

Via

A text message exchange

Sam: Cashion's order - 2 goats. 30 cheese. 20 goose eggs. 3 pork belly. Thank you!
Me: I don't think you want me to order those, do you?
Sam: Oh shit.

Syd brings it: Condiments

Sydney continues to bring it by sending me some of the best the internet has to offer. This time, it's a series about the history of condiments. The mustard article alone is worth the price of admission (i.e. clicking on the link and taking 5 minutes or less to read the article)! Controversially, they suggest that barbeque sauce is not a condiment at all! What are your thoughts, readers?

Don't forget Maury!

I've highlighted before the wonder that is Holy Maury, Mother of God before, but I just want to make sure none of you have forgotten to check it out on the regular. Here is but one recent highlight, a screengrab from an episode titled Did My Husband Cheat with a Teen and Get Her Pregnant? :


The cat just looks so guilty!

A celebrity connection!

So last night was the premiere of The Hangover II. That first movie was a hoot, was it not? I hope the sequel can live up to the promise of its predecessor. It might, cause this time... there's a monkey! And the monkey came to the premiere looking FLY AS HELL:


So glam! Turns out my good friend Leah has an aunt who is a costume designer, and said aunt made this monkey's red carpet dress! I love close encounters with famous people.

Friday at last!

Let's celebrate with a dance.



What are you doing this weekend? I will be watching the Preakness Stakes. Fun Ophelia fact: I once was part-owner of a racehorse. He was, as my friend Paul put it, a "psychotic asshole."

Via

Best invention since the bottle-sized wine glass

It's the Hands Free Wine Glass!


This is just a genuis creation. You can get tanked and look snazzy, all while leaving your hands free to make dinner, do your job, or even drive the kids to school. This could be you!


I only wish I had thought of this amazing idea.

A new experience

The return of warmer temperatures means the return of street harassment. Hip-hip-hur...ah eff, really? This crap again?! Drives me bonkers. However, this morning I was harassed by two deaf guys. That is not something I ever encountered before! Needless to say, there were a lot of hand gestures involved.

How's about some unadulterated sweetness?

I like to watch John John clips when I need a pick-me-up.



"Count this penny!" Slays me every time.

I gotta get these wedding write ups off my desk...

So here in one last dump of grooms cakes and Ole Miss themes, are the final highlights from the Mississippi Magazine Bridal Registry issue, each from a different - but ELEGANT! - Mississippi wedding:

The groom's table featured a three-dimensional strawberry cake of a largemouth bass jumping out of a lake and embellished with fondant fishing lures.

The highlight of the evening was the bride's rendition of 'Smile' by Uncle Kracker, sung to her surprised groom.

The groom's cake showcased his love of duck hunting with a chocolate cake layered with shotgun shells. The billiard table, draped in brown linens with a camoflauge runner, featured a duck centerpiece and a chocolate bar.

The couple arrived in a 1938 Packard at a reception hosted by the brides' parents at the Country Club of Jackson. The club was exquisitely decorated... the groom's cake was chocolate with fondant icing in the shape of a golf bag adorned with the Masters logo and Colonel Reb.

Following a honeymoon at Sandals, the couple is at home in Chunky.

Remember to relax

We're all busy. We've all got jobs to do and errands to run. There are those last few thank you notes that you still haven't written for the wedding gifts people so kindly got you. But, it's important to take time out and just relax once in a while.



Treat yourself to some Cheerios and kick back, people. You'll be glad you did.

Via

Thus, with a flop, ends Corgi Day

Corgi Day was so great, wasn't it? We jumped right in and just totally nailed it.



Thank you and good night!

Cleanliness is next to adorableness

See?


Clean and SUPER CUTE!

Turns out Turbo is also awesome while awake

Here is our new friend Turbo again, sporting some sunglasses on a walk and just KILLING IT.


Work it, Turbo!

We should all take a lesson from Turbo

One of the reasons Mondays are awful is because you've just had two days when you can sleep as much as you like, and now you can't sleep whenever you want... OR CAN YOU? Sydney sent me this great video on Friday. Turbo the corgi puppy is setting a great example here - don't let the lack of a bed stop you from getting your snooze on! Just go the hell to sleep in your desk chair, your car, an empty box... wherever you want!



Just commit to it, and have sweet dreams.

It's Corgi Day!

Mondays suck, y'all! Let's make this one suck less by just looking at corgis being adorable all day long. Buzzfeed had a fun post last week about corgi hybrids, which, as you can imagine, are just completely stupid cute. My two faves were:

The Malamorgi


A malamute plus a corgi!

The Corgerrier


A terrier plus a corgi! I think this one would be better called a 'Torgi,' but that's just one woman's opinion.

More corgis to come!

An early morning convo

In the mornings before I leave for work, I like to have chats with Sam while he's mostly asleep. He says some hilarious things during these convos. Here is the one we had this morning:

Sam: When we get a cat can it be a girl cat so it can get pregnant and have little kittens?
Me: Sure.
Sam: Really?
Me: Uh, yeah. Sure. We can do that when we have a backyard.
Sam: Kittens don't go in the backyard!
Me: No, but we'll put the cat out there. That's how we'll get her pregnant.
Sam: Oh, I thought we'd just get some kitty sperm.
Me: I'm gonna go to work now.
Sam: Night!

The end.

Animal with stuffed animals of themselves!

Buzzfeed has a terrific photo roundup today of animals with stuffed animals that look like them! They are just really stellar. Here are two of my faves:


Hamster with many stuffed hamsters!


Kitty with a stuffed kitty that has its own stuffed kitty. MIND IS BLOWN!

More, here.

Anyone have a CSA share?

Vegetables, not Confederates. I'm thinking of joining one for the summer. It would be so nice to have tons of...


Wait, what? Oh no, I don't want that. I shall stick to the grocery store.

Via

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Celebrate with a dance or two!



This remains one of the best videos I've encountered during my long journey across the interwebs. Enjoy the day, friends!

I just like this photo

So I am sharing it with you.



HA! Take that, birthers! Side note: Birthers are seriously the stupidest and most racist people. Please crawl back under your rock, birthers.