It's always good to brush up on self defense skills

You can never been too safe, ladies and gents - even your own office can be a place of danger! Luckily the helpful folks at Gizmodo have shared some very useful tips on how to avoid unpleasant workplace interactions:



Now I just have to find some floppy disks and I will be all set!

Work it!

After a relaxing week of staycation here in the Federal City, I need to get my arse back to the gym in a major way. These pups have the right idea:



You go, dogs!

Weather update

Dear lord!

"The Washington Metropolitan Council of Governments has issued a code red air quality alert for today. This forecast means air quality is expected to be unhealthy for all individuals."

Code red!? It's like the AIR is a terrorist.

A great moment in television history

...with thanks to Cassie this time around. You go on and cry, Dawson!

A great moment in cinematic history

...thanks to Whitney for calling this to my attention. You tell 'em, Dawson!

Tumblr from Syd

It's been a spell, y'all, but my lady is back with a vengance. Check out what she sent my way this fine August eve:

Hungover Owls

Drunk old owls!

Muppet

A dear friend has just alerted me to the existence of a little known Muppet by the name of Sinister Sam. Here is what the old chap looks like:


Hmm. That's exactly what MY Sam looks like when he doesn't shave...

A tale of two wives

Sam was doing man stuff and watching Sports Center on ESPN when he saw coverage of this delightful race that took place on Sunday at Monmouth Park.



Good times! I love horseracing.

Celeb sightings

Once, while at the nicest hotel in which I've ever stayed, I saw Sean Penn live and in person. To a country bumpkin such as myself, this was a major event. He was, as everyone always says about celebs, shorter than I would have imagined, but that did not diminish his hotness in the slightest. He was handsome, of course, but he also exuded an incredible air of general badassery. As people have good hair days, he was just having a good everything day.


Oh lawd, not so much here.

Whines

The worst part about not being able to locate one's glasses is that you can't SEE to find the little effers. The second worst part is that once you do find them, well, you're wearing your glasses.

A Recent Convo

Me: What's in that bucket?
Sam: Duck fat.
Me: What'd you bring home duck fat for?
Sam: It's for the house. You know. To have around.
Me: Oh. Uh, okay.
Sam: We could make potatoes fried in duck fat next week!
Me: That doesn't sound very healthy.
Sam: Baby, it's not BAD for you. It's duck fat! It's good for you! It's ALL NATURAL!

Don't get too big for your britches!

I got a haircut today, and had the woman show me how to style my rather unruly curly hair (that's right! I'm 27 years old and I don't know how to do my own hair.), and it looked good! I was really pleased with it, and while walking home took advantage of several reflective surfaces to admire myself. And, like Narcissus before me, this sin of vanity was not without consequences. I was just chatting with a friend about Jersey Shore, and he says that the new castmember Deena looks like me, if I put on 70 pounds and he punched me in the face. Let's see:


Oh dear. I'm not sure I see it, but I shall let this serve as a reminder not to think too highly of myself. On the bright side, the Jersey Shore me gets to hang out with Vinny. JEALOUS!!!

Cake wreck

My dear old friend David and I were talking today about people we knew from high school who are now married (which is pretty much everyone from high school, it seems), and I started looking on Facebook at photos from the weddings of some of my former classmates. I was absolutely shocked to come across the following photo of a groom's cake - because I truly thought, for several seconds, that it was a cake in the shape of a toilet seat:


And a dirty one at that. Turns out it's a horseshoe, but I'm just going to keep on pretending it's what I thought.

I loooooooooove mustaches

Why don't more people sport them?

Cram it, smile demanders!

On my walk to work this morning, a man hollered at me "Smile baby, it can't be that bad!" Being told to smile by randos as I walk down the street is one of my greatest pet peeves. First of all, I'm just freaking walking down the street - do I really need to do it with a goofy grin plastered to my mug at all times? Secondly, how the HELL do you know that things aren't that bad? Maybe my dog just died, asshat. Finally, it is of course completely sexist - I guaran-damn-tee you that guy isn't telling men they should be smiling all the time.

But luckily, I was able to cheer myself right back up, as I noticed the man in question was yelling at me from the driver's seat of a garbage truck, and immediately recalled one of my favorite bits from comedian David Cross. Mr. Cross here is talking about garbage men sexually harassing women from their trucks, just as I encountered today:

"I could ask out a ninety nine chicks, and get ninety nine nos, but maybe, just maybe, that hundredth chick likes to f*ck on a pile of trash."

And then I laughed my way to work.

Hollywood does something RIGHT!

Wonderful news! Wipeout has been renewed for a fourth season!!! I'm so excited I could fall down in a hilarious manner!

Breaking fruit news

The afore mentioned plum is amazing. Plums - highly recommended. Do yourself a favor and munch on one today.

Here is a baby dressed as Don Draper

Very good costume! He's really getting into character.

I'm in love with this corgi

I think this dog is my soul mate. Many thanks to dear friend David for alerting me to the existence of this incredible creature.

Important fruit

Much of my work day revolves around eating. This morning I was packing up some thangs to shovel into my mouf hole throughout the day, and I lingered over the fruit drawer - what to choose? A run of the mill, unexciting apple, or a ripe and juicy black plum that I just picked up yesterday? I contemplated saving the plum to enjoy as a pick me up for the mid-week doldrums, but then I said to myself: Just get the plum, Sams. I'm not trying to f*ck around with greatness today.

I don't really know what that statement means, other than that I think about fruit way too much, and am very strange.

I'm getting concerned about The Biebs

Get a load of this, y'all! In an act of tween revenege, Biebs tweeted some poor kid's phone number:


That is bananas! Someone needs to rein in this kid, as he is getting too big for his britches. Not cool, Biebs! Also, anyone else INSANELY glad that the internet didn't exist in its current manifestation when you were in high school? Ophelia=sofakingglad.

Physics lesson

In case you were wondering, it is in fact possible to hydroplane in your flip flops on a slippery sidewalk and, while throwing up your arms to catch your balance, for a gust of wind to come along and blow your dress up to your midsection. What a world!

Apologies go out to the entire neighborhood. I'm sorry I'm so strange and awkward, and I'm sorry if anyone saw my bottom.

Token of affection

Just when you think you can't love a man anymore than you already do, he goes and brings you Cheetos. And not just any Cheetos, but the baked variety, so you can feel like less of a garbage person when you are cramming them in your munch cave with abandon. Thoughtful!!!

I'm pretty sure these guys are how I learned to read

Music = Joy!

Oh y'all, I am having the worst day! First my house flooded due to a horrible rainstorm, and then my FACE flooded from weeping when I was berated by a stranger for 15 minutes for something that had nothing to do with me (funny now - she called me a 'surly underling,' which... accurate)! Well, I should be more clear - I WAS having the worst day, until Videogum posted the video below. I love viral internet garbage, and I ADORE marching bands, and when you put those two things together, even the surliest of underlings can't help but grin.



Go forth and have a rocking afternoon, people!

I am not sure I recommend living in a basement

Here's why!

Fun fact about the West Virginia school system

"When I was in high school," office mate Cassie just shared, "my health teacher made us watch The Breakfast Club, and then we had to have a discussion about how smoking pot did not give you the ability to do gymnastics."

That'll do, Facebook

I woke up around 2:00am with a coughing fit (in my old age I appear to have become allergic to everything, including my own apartment), and removed myself from the bedroom so as not to wake up Sammy. Logged on to facebook, as one does, and saw a most unusual 'friend suggestion.' Usually those are either random celebrities I can't stand or people from second grade I'd much rather forget... but this time, I'm pretty sure that the new friend Facebook had found for me was the dead dog of my high school boyfriend. Seriously, Facebook? You're freaking me out.

I'm fairly sure I was still dreaming.

Life with a chef

"We have nothing edible in our freezer. It's all lamb bones, crab shells, pork fat and bacon scrap. Nothing really ready to eat." -Sam

I dunno about y'all, but I'd think about eating 'bacon scrap.'

Here are some things Sam loves

Alcohol, tobacco, crabs, vegetables, rock and roll. Not firearms, though. We're both pacifists.

Sallie Mae, you are such a bitch!

I hate you, Sallie Mae. This whole thing has just not panned out, and I want my money back. Stop making me cry once a month.

That is all.

Huge realization

My wonderful friend Johanna is Swedish. She is also a pastry chef.

HO. LEE. CRAP!



And there's me and Syd at the end! Bork bork bork!

The shirt before the shirt

I freaking LOVE Jersey Shore. Since the beginning, though, I have struggled with which of these lucious beach barnacles I'd rather smoosh - Vinny, the only one who seems to possess much of a brain, or DJ Pauly Delvetico, with his unflappable hair and his insatiable lust for life? Just when I think it's Vinny for sure, DJ Pauly D gets back in the race with gems like these:




Yep, Pauly D all the way this week!

Lesson from a turtle

It's important to let the one you love know how into them you are. This guy has the right idea:



Have a sexy weekend, people!

A hell of a day, and it's not even noon

Sometimes you just have to say...

Wonderful kid

Most of my neighbors are kind of lame (with the exception of the kinda sorta lil bit famous one). They don't say hello too much, they have kids with absolutely massive strollers that take up the sidewalk, they act like they have never seen you before... wait, I'm really just talking about one set of neighbors. You know who you are, blue house on the corner!!

Anyway, there is a great kid named Michael who lives next door. The other day I saw him and he said 'I jump on my trampoline every day and NO ONE CAN STOP ME!'.

It pleased me.

Mad Menning Myself Again

Sometimes, to spice up life in the steno pool, I pretend I am Joan Holloway. Am I alone in this?

Fun quotes from my Mama

Moms are the best, aren't they? My mama in particular is fantastic. One of the things I love most about spending time with her or talking to her on the phone is how much we laugh together (and this is true of my dad and my sister as well - we are all just a real pack of cards). This is largely because of the marvelous things that come out of her mouth. Some choice quotes:

Regarding me sitting in a chair with my legs hiked up... while wearing a skirt: "I can see your name and address!"

Regarding hoping for some changes to happen in the next year: "Well, God willing and the creek don't rise."

Regarding a ringing telephone in her house: "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

Sure do love that lady. People always say how much we look alike - particularly how much I look like her in photos from when she was my age - and Mama always jokes that I should kick people who say such mean things. But she's just being silly, because I can't think of a much better compliment than for someone to say I am like her.

Agreeing to Disagree

A few weeks ago, I learned something about my best pal that was shocking to me: Sydney does not like Wipeout. I didn't know what to make of this news. How can anyone not love an utterly mindless show all about people falling down in hilarious ways?!

"I hate to break it to you," she said, "but Wipeout gives me a sad. I mean, once that woman was hit in the face with her own breasts, basic human dignity jumped the shark."

High quality video of the event in question:



Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. You have a point, Syd, but my love for Wipeout will not be diminished - after all, the contestants have kind of signed up to have their dignity erased. Perhaps that's what appeals to me so much about Wipeout - I spend so much time worrying about doing something stupid or clumsy or awkward that will make me look like a fool, but these people are meeting that fear head on! Or maybe I just like seeing people fall down. I dunno.

Regardless, this is also a valuable lesson that good pals don't have to agree on everything. We had this photo snapped directly after our Wipeout disucssion:


See? Still the best of friends!

Questions of the day

Here are some things I have pondered today:

1)Why do people insist on riding their bikes on the sidewalk? I suppose I could understand it in some cases, but this morning two dudes on bikes passed me on the sidewalk on Q Street... which has a freaking bike lane! The taxpayers of DC paid for your bikin' ass to cruise in safety in your very own lane, sir. USE IT. I mean, it's not called the sideride, is it? Drives me apeshit.

2) Remember AIM? Do people still use AIM?

I deeply pondered a third thing today, but I forgot it.

Real life Bieber encounter!

From the front lines of Bieberdom, y'all - an up close and personal encounter by someone who knows someone that I know!!! Coworker Cassafracture sent me the following email last week:

My mom’s good friend Connie was at LAX last week, and walked right beside Justin Bieber! She said they both ended up at the cinnabon and her granddaughter lovessssssssssss him, so she asked him if she could take a picture and he said NO! Then his body guard asked her to move away, but she was waiting in line to order! WHAT a jerk!

Hmm. Well that's not very nice. You know, the Biebs has really been acting up lately. Check out this photo from a recent concert:


Oh dayyyyyum, lil man, that ain't okay! First dissing some sweet old granny, then grabbing your crotch in public? Shape up Beibs! Also, you might want to lay off the Cinnabons if you want to retain your girlish figure. Just sayin'.

Blush and bashful!

Sydney and I had a big outing on Saturday - we went shopping for bridesmaids dresses for the first time. Since I got engaged and started planning this wedding, people have been asking me what my 'colors' are. Apparently, in addition to needing a 'theme' (pretty sure the theme is marriage, people), a wedding must also have 'colors.' This always makes me think of Steel Magnolias when the girl who croaks says her colors are blush and bashful, and I can't really take the idea too seriously. Sydney was on the same page - the two dresses we liked best were a dark purple number and a grey job whose color name was 'gunmetal.' Sydney very helpfully pointed out that if I went with grey and purple, my 'colors' could be... GUNMETAL and BRUISE. That takes care of the 'theme' too - PUNK RAWK WEDDING!!!