This one's for the food lovers

Do you know anyone who doesn't like cheese? I just know one such person. She's a total sack of crap. Cheese is the best, and so is Tumblr Cheese People. Let's check it out, shall we?


So good.

This one's for the book lovers

Next we have Better Book Titles.

Here's a book I can't stand:


LOLOLOL.

Here's a book I adore:


Still LOLOLOL.

Let's all make our own!!

This one's for the LAY-DEEZ!

Buzzfeed has an amazing post about the best new Tumblrs of 2010! I had all these plans to have a hot night of falling asleep on the couch while watching Law & Order: SVU reruns, but now I'm just going to be reading hilarious Tumblrs for ages... and sharing the ones that really strike my fancy with you, of course! Some of our old faves like Holy Maury Mother of God, Hungover Owls, and Catalog Living are highlighted, but I'm discovering many new gems in this post as well! Strictly for my lady readers, here's Time of the Month Tiger. It's hit and miss, but when it's funny, it's really great:


That one really made me el-oh-el.

Huge news about people falling down!

Y'ALL. I can't believe I have neglected to share this with you for so long. We all thought we'd be waiting until summer for Wipeout to return, languishing in the cold months with no people falling down on national television AT ALL. I am so pleased to report that this is NOT THE CASE.



THANK YOU LORD! IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!

A great deal on a hotel room

On Tuesday, Mama, Daddy, Goo and I were returning from lunch at one of our very favorite places, The Crown Restaurant in Indianola. Indianola is another small Delta town not too far from Greenwood, and is the birthplace of B.B. King. While heading out of town, I noticed that the sign at the Indianola Travel Inn, the type of motel that always boasts it has both air conditioning and HBO in its rooms, had lost a key letter. The sign read:

ENJOY FREE HO IN ROOM.

What a steal of a deal!

A quotable teacher

Being back in Mississippi has flooded Goo and me with memories of our youth, as it always does. Goo recalled earlier this week a marvelous saying from her 5th grade teacher, who was a staunchly religious woman. If anyone in class was heard taking the Lord's name in vain, the teacher would fix the offending party with a cold stare and say, "God won't help you, but he WILL strike you down!"

Let's all start saying that, yes?

Letters to Santa

Every year on Christmas Eve, my hometown newspaper publishes a charming little booklet called 'Letters to Santa,' in which local products of the public school system show off their reading and writing skills by composing missives to St. Nick detailing what they'd like for the holidays. The arrival of this publication is always greeted with great delight in my household. I'd like to share some of this year's highlights with you. These are reproduced exactly as they appear in the paper.

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is Call of Duty bay blade yo-yo Dsi game Chrouler Modr siki with a red man Nurf gui with a stiky buit.
Love,
Lousious

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is guitar rac game train sister sab the cat Doll Bike sab the san cah.
Love,
Anthony

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is I wo v sik In Sugn tv n toseto see I live in A2 Bike Barbie Doll I wot socntoc Bus in wot a gocs.
Love,
Myra

Dear Santa,
For Christmas I want a Horse, PS3, next a lifetime supply of pizza, and $100.00. I want these items because I could play halo reach with the PS3. I could ride the horse and I could feed the horse the supply of pizza. Last, I would put the $100.00 in my rainy day fund.
Your friend,
Dallas

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a big truck, some cars, 2 French fries and 2 chicken nuggets. I have cookies and milk for you.
Love,
Trenton

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is: Power-Wheel Spiderman Truck Spiderman Banana Pudding.
Quintarius

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!!

Thank goodness Pete's semester is over

Pete has finished his third semester of law school, y'all! YAY PETE! And not a moment too soon, cause we have not been able to talk much as he prepped for finals, and that was not much fun for me. But now he is BACK, and he has returned with guns blazing by sending me this video:



We Three Kings is a good carol, isn't it? Loving the choir's dedication here. Keep the holiday cheer coming, Pete!

Ed. note - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It's been removed! Well, it was really really funny. And if you missed seeing it, it just goes to show - things move quickly here at OEIA. Try to keep up.

An exceptional invitation

...was waiting for my in my email inbox this morning!

Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl Viewing Party


amelia,

Can't get a ticket to watch the Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl in person? Why not watch it at our house!
We are hosting a viewing party on Tuesday, December 21st from 7pm EST-Close.

During the game we are offering:

Free Chips & Salsa OR $5 OFF $25

Valid only Tuesday, December 21st from 7pm EST to close
(Must bring in this email)

Crap in a canoe! If only I were not in Mississippi then! Fiddlesticks.

Phone convo I had today

One of our site directors called me this morning with a question and we had this little exchange:

Director - Amelia, this is [Site Director] from [Historic Site].
Me - Oh hi [Director]! How are you?
Director - WHACKY!! How are you?

Name omitted to protect the whacky.

This is Doug

He is in the running for the title of Britain's Ugliest Dog.


I think he might take this one! I find him right cute, though.

Inspirational Timesheets

We have this absolutely marvelous woman in our HR department who sends us all reminders via email twice a month to fill out our timesheets. She always includes an inspirational message of some sort in them, and they are just pure gold. Here is this week's:

It falls like feathers from the sky. Melting on impact as it touches your nose. Bringing with it the brrrrrrrrrrrr in the air and trouble for those who just don’t understand the beauty of it all. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

What a beautiful time of the year and when you look outside your window to see the snow falling it is a picturesque sight to see. Hold that thought, this is also the perfect time for HR to remind you it is time to do your E-Time card for pay period
December 1-15, 2010.

Amazing, no? Don't worry, I will be sharing them ALL with you going forward!

Sam dreamed a dream

So Sam awoke yesterday morning, and immediately told the following to me:

I had the best dream! I am so sad it was not real. I dreamed I was at the Wilderness Battlefield, and they were having a barbeque and Greek food festival! There was this old Greek man way in the back. He was preparing a giant shrimp on the flat top, which was so giant it was bigger than our bed. He was covering it in pork and little shrimps. Then he asked me if I wanted something special from the chef, like a little tasting menu. But then when he gave me the thing it was raspberry Pavlova. So, things really ended on a bad note.

Sam has the best dreams.

This happened in Detroit, naturally

Why, you say? Because Detroit is the best, duh! I love Detroit.



It's lousy with holiday cheer around here. Via Gawker.

Helpful tips from Microsoft Outlook

Don't all the Microsoft programs just give a person the handiest, most helpful tips? I swear, it's like they are INSIDE MY BRAIN! Case in point - this little story I got from my dear friend and coworker Leah yesterday:

In other news, Microsoft Word had an interesting grammar suggestion for me a few minutes ago. When I typed “I’ve” in an e-mail, it underlined it in green and suggested the following:


SERIOUSLY?! And then when I type “me’ve” for fun to see what it suggests then, it underlines it as being incorrectly spelled. Awesome.

Outta tha park, Outlook! Very well done indeed. Thanks, Leah, for sharing this helpful hint!

A heartwarming dance

It continues to be horribly cold in the District of Columbia, but there's one great way to keep warm - DANCING. Luckily the Racing Presidents of the Washington Nationals are well aware of this fact. Take a gander at THIS:


Teddy might be highlighted heavily, but it's Abe Lincoln's stirring grande jetes which really tug at my heartstrings.

Wedding hair solved!

I've been fretting about what to do with this mop of hair on my noggin for the wedding. Well, I'm still not sure, but I know where to go to solve this problem!


Marvelous.

Amid all this Beef, we need some cuteness!

It's Monday. WOOF! It's Monday and it's the holiday season. Now in addition to the normal Monday blues, we have to worry about gifts and cards and how many inches all the festive food you can't stop yourself from eating will add to your already bulging midsection. We need to stop and smell the ADORABILITY, am I right?


WOW. Blues CURED by the always reliable sweetness of interspecies friends.

The emails keep coming

Here is one I just received from a very excited Sydney:

Oh man, you know what I just realized? You get a free appetizer at Beef's!

Also the Beef O'Brady's Bowl is on December 21. Expect full coverage from my mom and dad's living room!

Email I got this morning, the sequel

Your picture has been approved by the Beef 'O' Brady's Team! Check it out and share it with your friends: http://www.beefobradys.com/beefs-gallery.aspx?pic=287
Score a FREE appetizer when you sign up for Team O’ Brady’s: Sign up here.

-The Beef 'O' Brady's Team
www.BeefOBradys.com

A Recent Convo

me: do you know what happens tonight
Cassie: VAMPIRE SEX
IN A CAVE

Crushes from the 90s

Tonight at 8pm, with no new episode of America's Next Top Model, I found myself in front of the tube, din din on lap, with nothing to watch - I have a fairly strict tv watching schedule, you see. When one's significant other works nights, one tends to date the television in his absence. So, I began to channel surf when Jeopardy! ended, but the surfing did not last long. I quickly found myself watching NBC's reality show The Sing Off. This genuis creation is a competitive outing for acapella groups, and it is AWESOME. It's pretty much the opposite of American Idol, which I despise - the contestants do their own arrangements, and they can all actually sing really well (American Idol is basically a yelling contest, not a singing contest)! I enjoyed the featured groups immensely, but what really struck a chord with me (PUN!) was the judges... because one of them is an old crush of mine from the early 90s about whom I'd completely forgotten: Shawn Stockman of Boyz II Men. Remember him?! Remember Boyz II Men?! Let me refresh your memory:



EFF YES. I may or may not have just danced around my kitchen while watching that. Expect more Sing Off and Shawn Stockman posts in the weeks to come, friends! No go forth and harmonize.

The thing to do - stay inside and be snuggly

Y'all, it is REALLY cold in DC. I have about a half hour walk to work, and the past few mornings it has just been miserable - so much so that I've even considered taking the Metro instead (the Metro during rush hour is basically a nightmare on wheels, if you've never experienced it). My damn toes is FROZE! On days such as this, the only thing to do is stay under the covers and cuddle up with the one you love.



Sadly, that is not an option because we are all adults and we have to go to stupid work because we have to have money for rent and bills and the seemingly insurmountable, soul crushing pile of debt that never ever seems to get any smaller, no matter how much of your paycheck you keep throwing at it.

:(

Hump day treat: The Salsa Dog!

Well this is just marvelous.



That pup's got better moves than I do!

A song from my youth

Yesterday's post about Manic Hispanic's Santa Got Run Over By My Chevy made me remember a song that my sister created when we were young. Recalling this great work had me caught in a giggle loop so strong that even a brisk walk around the block to calm the eff down didn't help. Goo was probably around 10, and I was probably about 5 when she composed the insta-classic Grandma Got Run Over By an Ex Lax Truck. Unfortunately I can only recall one line: "She had tire prints on her shoulders/ and doody in her drawers."

It will come as no surprise to anyone that when Goo was tested as a child, she was found to have a genuis level IQ.

Popular names

Sydney has just rocked my world by sending me this link.

Top Baby Names for 2010

Check out the number 44 girl's name, and the corresponding boy's name. MIND = BLOWN!

The magic of Sirius

Sam and I rented a car over the weekend, and it came with Sirius satellite radio! Sam loves Sirius, and was immediately on the hunt for the 'Outlaw Country' station. In our search to find it, we stumbled upon... this:



Many thanks to Sam for tracking down this youtube video. Manic Hispanic, according to Wikipedia, is "a semi-parodic act that plays cover versions of punk rock and hardcore punk "standards" by slightly renaming songs and adjusting lyrics to address Chicano culture." Yes... 'Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer' is one of my favorite punk rock standards! Happy holidays, everyone!

Email I got this morning

Thanks, Pete. Thank you so very much. Fun fact - when you get an email from Beef O'Brady's, the sender is listed solely as 'Beef'.

Pete is horrible

Well. I was just having a conversation with Pete about the University of Southern Mississippi's inclusion in the Beef O'Brady's Bowl this month. We were both wondering who Beef O'Brady was. Quick research showed us that Beef O'Brady's is, in fact, a deeply wretched looking chain of 'family friendly Irish pubs' that do not have hard liquor, or any Irish food whatsoever. And then Pete did this:


Pete is horrible, and horribly funny. If I appear on the Beefy's website, you'll know who is responsible.

New Feature! Unusual Town Names

I love towns that have unusual names, so what better to do than start blogging about them? Here's one I learned about just today!


It's Dildo, Newfoundland! The Wikipedia article on Dildo is all too brief, and I'm a bit terrified of what the internet will present if I Google 'Dildo', but I was able to learn that the town is home to the Dildo Museum Interpretive Center, hosts Historic Dildo Days each August, and is located on Dildo Bay. If you get tired of Dildo, you can go explore unincorporated community South Dildo, or even take a jaunt over to Dildo Island. Awesome!

If you get pulled over for not using a turn signal

...don't swallow the bag of cocaine you have in your center console! You will wind up looking like this kid.


This is 18 year old Art Taylor of Massachusetts. Don't be like Art. When transporting your drugs in your motor vehicle, use extreme caution and always employ your turn signals!

Awesome new blog to follow

There's really nothing that compares with Maury Povich, is there?


No there is not! And that's why this awesome blog I discovered over the holiday weekend, Holy Maury Mother of God, is so fantastic. You're welcome, readers. Enjoy!

Should I buy this?

I mean, it's pretty much the perfect combination of all that Sam and I stand for as a unit.


It's an ornament, and we don't have a tree. But really, a person could hang this anywhere. It's $22.

Your thoughts?

Ophelia's Football Coverage - The Holiday Weekend

Friends! I don't have a ton to say about football this time around, actually. The Saints beat Dallas, which was awesome, but I couldn't watch because it was Thanksgiving and I had to go eat Chinese food (don't ask). The Redskins had another depressing, embarassing outing that I don't even want to go into. In great news, though, Peyton Manning got his arse handed to him by the Chargers. I don't much care about the Chargers one way or another, but I love seeing a Manning fail, so I had a lovely Sunday evening.

Finally, this happened at the Packers game:


What a great sport. What a great country, y'all. God bless us, everyone!

I am thankful for...

...this gentleman here:


Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving!

I'm just so confused

Meet Mollie. She is an orangutan toddler doll from Ashton-Drake, a company that sells realistic looking dolls, I think?


HOO BOY. On the one hand, Mollie is terrifying. On the other, the expression on her face is priceless. And on all of the hands in the world - WHO is the intended audience for this thing? Is this a doll for children? You'd have to hate your child to give it this. Much more depressing, though, is the idea that it is for adults. Who in the world would pay $150 for this thing that doesn't make sense? How can it be a realistic toddler-orangutan hybrid? THAT IS NOT A THING THAT EXISTS!

I just don't know what to make of any of this.

News good and bad

OMG Y'ALL WILLIAM AND KATE ARE GETTING MARRIED ON APRIL 29, 2011 AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY!!!!!!!!!! ROYAL WEDDING!!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALS!

One couple that was married on April 29: Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun. YIKES.

Things I Despise: The Charmin Bears

Thing about which my last post reminded me: Y'all, I hate those damn Charmin bears. This has got to be the worst ad campaign since that guy drinking Folgers wanted to boff his sister. I don't want to think about a bunch of crapping bears. It's not cute, it's GROSS.



See? Disgusting. If there is something coming out the back end of you that would require toilet paper that would stand up to a BEAR SHIT, you don't need to go buy a bunch of Charmin. You need to go see your doctor, immediately.

Kim Kardashian, please fire your publicist

Here is Kim Kardashian at the opening for a bathroom in New York.


Really giving new meaning to her nickname of Kim Kardassian. And oh wait, she can't fire her publicist cause it's her mom. Guess she'll have to keep hanging out with shit-filled bears.

The screams continue

Turns out that there was a part 2 to Oprah's Favorite Things.



See the lady weeping? I'd be doing the same damn thing the second I realized I could sell that dumb ass looking car and pay off my student loan debt!

Here is a lot of screaming!

Audience reacts to Oprah's Favorite Things episode:



On the one hand, this is hilarious, and full of very funny faces. On the other, I would TOTALLY do the same thing. Plus, everyone in that audience is someone who is a teacher, or a volunteer, or someone who strives in one way or another to make his or her community a better place. All the diamond encrusted watches for these good people, please!

I, too, am a total cookieface

Cookie Monster has a goal, y'all.



We need to make this happen.

New blog to enjoy!

I have been crazy busy as of late... but I am never too busy for QUALITY LAFFS. Please enjoy this epic new blog of funny, Damn You Auto Correct.


See what I mean? The best. Many thanks to Cassie for finding this gem.

Reader feedback!

No one ever seems to comment on OEIA anymore, which is just fine - I know y'all are still devotedly reading. You just don't know how to delete me from your browser history. However, dear friend Whitney has just sent me some feedback on my recent Folgers commercial post, and I had to share, as it gave me the laffs:

What in the name of V.C. Andrews is that shit? I watched it with the sound off so all I had were those longing glances and BARF! Also, I don’t understand why they would ever want to replace the original Peter – that guy was a stone cold fox. Standing there looking like the “Brawny Man” with his Christopher Reeve hair and fisherman’s sweater…DING DONG.

This concludes our first reader feedback post, but there will be more, my friends! Oh yes. There will be more.

A belated Veterans Day post

Another small town joke

Except this one's not really a joke. It's more a funny little tale. Mama, Daddy, Rachel and I were visiting Mama's parents in rural north Georgia. Rachel and I were having a blast going through Mama's high school yearbooks, because the vast majority of people in them looked like they crawled out from under the bed on The X-Files - seriously country looking folk. We happened upon one particularly unfortunate looking fellow and collapsed in a fit of giggles. My mother took the yearbook to see about whom we were being total a-holes.

Mama: Oh, that's Gopher!

Me and Rachel: WHAT?! His name is GOPHER?

Mama: No, that's just what we called him.

Granddaddy: He really did look like a Gopher.

Grandmama: No one in that family was very good looking.

Granddaddy: I went to school with Gopher's mother! We called her Rat Jaws.

Now every time we visit we talk about Gopher and Rat Jaws. Family bonding is so special.

A small town joke

I've just remembered a joke that people used to tell in my hometown about a particular father and son pair who never seemed to be employed. Names changed to protect the lazy:

"What's Johnny, Senior do?"

"Nothing."

"Well what's Johnny, Junior do?"

"He works for his dad."

HA!

Mess with the classics, get the creepy garbage

The holidays approacheth, readers! You can expect plenty of holiday themed posts around here, because I am marrying someone who is perhaps the world's biggest fan of Christmas. In our house, Santa decorations are all-the-time decorations. Between the day after Thanksgiving and New Year's, Sam wears a Santa hat while he cooks, instead of a chef's cap. The man is serious about Christmas, and it is contagious. I've become downright sappy about the holidays myself since hitching my wagon to Sammy.

Here is a classic Christmas commercial that just gets me EVERY. TIME. It is just a great freaking ad - one that stands the test of time because it grabs at familiar emotions in all of us... ones of homecoming, and everything being the same, just like a cup of the coffee Mom always makes. Oh God, I'm tearing up already. Let's just watch it:



WELL. For some dumbass reason, Folger's decided last year that this great commercial, which has been running every year since the 1980s and is still PERFECT, needed updating. And here is what they came up with:



HOLY INCEST that is creepy! What is with all the lingering looks? It seriously looks like those siblings are in love with each other. A Compson Christmas, anyone? (Bonus points if anyone gets the Faulkner reference!) Take this as a lesson, advertisers - leave well enough alone, lest you create a commercial so creepy that people start to think drinking Folger's makes you want to hump your brother.

Putin got a new puppy

Here it is!


It is very fluffy! Putin is having the Russian people submit their ideas for a name for this sweet pup. Gawker has suggested Puprestroika, which - LOLOL.

A Recent Convo - On Gchat

Pete: i need you to weigh in on something for me
i made a choice today
and i'm not sure if it's bachelor or lowbrow

me: ok

Pete: i have blue toilet water

me: lowbrow

Pete: shit

me: seems more like old person, really
but like an old person on fixed income

Pete: good point

me: can i put this on my blog?

Pete: about my blue water?
Sent at 9:48 PM on Tuesday

me: yes
this conversation

Pete: well here's the thing
i got sick of cleaning the bowl
i clean it all te time
seriously
i'll clean it, pee and then the whole thing will look orange again
like there are iron deposits in it
Sent at 9:51 PM on Tuesday

me: oih my
oh
do you have that thing king george the whatever had??
the thing that turns your pee bright orange

Pete: what?

me: holy crap, he had porphyria?!
mad king george
it was red, not orange

Pete: no. it's not me. it's the water.

me: oh, that's good

Pete: it happens in my shower too.
but i'm sick of looking at it
so now it's blue
and yes, you can use this conversation

Wills Wedding Watch

Massive news today - Prince William, heir to the throne of the greatest country in the world (Fun Ophelia Fact: I'm a total Anglophile) is ENGAGED! The lucky lady is one Kate Middleton, who I know little about other than I covet her hair. Seriously, does she give hair lessons? I need hair lessons. But back to the happy couple! I've been obsessed with the British royal family for as long as I can recall, and you can bet that OEIA will be teeming with coverage of these impending nuptials in the months leading up to this all-important union... starting with my own personal history with the man known as Wills.

When I was around 12 or 13, shortly before Princess Di passed away, I noticed something - her eldest son, William, had grown up quite a bit... and William was HAWT. I swiftly developed a hardcore crush on him, and concocted what I thought was really a pretty reasonable scheme for how to meet him. I already had plans to move to London and become the most celebrated actress on the theatre scene. I knew that William's pops, Prince Chuckles, was a patron of the arts, so surely his son would be as well. It was only a matter of time before Prince William would come to see me play Maggie in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (totally reasonable dream role for an aspiring tween actress to want to portray), be so stunned by my amazing performance that he would demand to meet me immediately, and fall in love with me at first sight. His grandmother would have objections, naturally, but she would come to love me - along with the whole of British society. William and I would then marry, be in love forever, and I'd have really effing great hair.

That didn't pan out. A few years later, I realized I wasn't a very good actress, and decided to major in English instead. And I did go to London, and I met an incredible person named Sam. He didn't fall in love with me at first sight, but I wore him down eventually.

Anyway, major soft spot for William, and I'm so happy we are getting married next year, but not to each other!

Next Wills Wedding Watch post - who the heck is this Kate Middleton, and what kind of conditioner does she use?

Ophelia's Football Coverage - Did that really happen?

Friends, Sam was off last night, and we settled in for some Monday night football. It was the Skins, Sam's fave! And they were playing their divisional rivals, Filthydelphia! This was sure to be one hell of a game.

It was not one hell of a game. Something like 10 seconds in, the Eagles scored after pit bull hater Michael Vick threw an 88 yard pass. It was all downhill from there. It was like the Skins were dogs, and Michael Vick was... well, Michael Vick. It pretty much looked like this for the next several hours:

 

Pardon the unfortunate pun, but WOOF, that was brutal.

Helpful fact

Is anyone else on Weight Watchers? I am on Weight Watchers, and it's exactly as much fun as you would think. Pretty much all I think about is food. And wine. And all the things I should not be consuming. BUT as a young woman who lives on a very tight budget, and who is trying to lose 10 pounds before her upcoming wedding, it was awesome to learn* this great fact yesterday - Food that is free is lower in Weight Watchers points**. For example, last night Sam brought home some pulled pork from Cashion's, along with coleslaw and potato salad. It was delectable and, since I didn't have to pay for it, it was only 5 Weight Watchers points instead of the 9 or 10 it would have been if I'd had to pay for it! I hope this vital piece of news helps you all go forth and live lives of svelte frugality.

*Learn = decide for myself
**Blatantly untrue

I love garbage television

Sam always wonders why I like horrible television, particularly one of his least favorites America's Next Top Model. But last week the poor soul actually watched with me... and I think he got it, just a little. Here is an actual screenshot from that episode:


Tragically, this girl got eliminated. BITCH WAS ROBBED!

Rainy Tuesday

It's very grim out there today in the District, so I am of course wearing my trusty rain boots. It's important to be sure to wear your boots if weather conditions are going to be poor, because wet feet are just a one way ticket on the train to Fussytown. This piglet has the right idea:


See how happy he looks? I encourage you to visit Buzzfeed's post on animals wearing boots. These are some smart creatures! Keep your feet dry and warm, readers!

Maru update

Maru continues to climb into boxes with aplomb, regardless of size.

Basement living

One of the many fun things about living in a basement is that I can hear pretty much everything that goes on upstairs. My landlord is currently having a total jamfest by himself. He was grooving to some techno, and I thought that was the worst. But now he's playing Coldplay and it is, in fact, so much worse than the techno was. As the Countess from Real Housewives of New York said - Money Can't Buy You Class. Or taste, apparently.

Worlds have collided

WELL. So 'Drumline' was on tv tonight, and I watched a bit of it. It's a movie I really love, because it brings back so many memories of growing up in Mississippi and seeing marching bands TOTALLY BRING IT. Marching bands are a big deal in the south, and my hometown has a big Christmas parade every year where high school bands from all over the Mississippi Delta march through downtown, and even some university bands too. The year that Grambling State came to play was a huge deal - they are one of the best marching bands around, and let me tell you - watching them play and dance down Grand Boulevard was one of the highlights of my youth. Anyway, the point of all this is, I was looking up youtube videos of Grambling State... and I'll be damned if they didn't play a Justin Bieber song this year.



It's like they KNEW.

Stupid cute photo dump

Y'all, I am seriously about to knock your socks off with cuteness. I hope you will bookmark this post and refer back to it when you are having a garbage day and need a pick me up. If these images don't warm your heart, you need to go see your doctor because you have a serious condition called being dead inside.

I took a quiz once about the breed of dog that would best match my personality and lifestyle. The result was a Basset Hound.


YES, PLEASE!

What's that? A puppy is not enough cuteness for you? How about a baby elephant settling down for a nap!


God, I love elephants.

I can see that one baby animal at a time is not cutting it. How about... A PILE OF BABY OTTERS!!


Fine. Fine, people. Here is the cutest photo of the day. It is of two guinea pigs sharing a snack because they love each other and are best friends.



Oh, hell. You've died. I've killed you with cuteness. Now who will read this blog?

Another amazing clip from The Feud

Y'all, why is Canadian Family Feud so much better? American Family Feud is total garbage compared to this!



Shall we start a petition to the Game Show Network to demand that the superior Feud be aired? WHO IS WITH ME?! The Naked Grandma, perhaps?


Ed. note - I've just learned that this is not Canadian Family Feud. I read somewhere on the interwebs that it was, but it is not. It is American Family Feud! Side note - when did everything you read on the interwebs not become automatically true? Anyway, Steve Harvey started hosting Family Feud in the grand old US of A in September of this year. Thank ass, cause watching Richard Karn and that dude who was Elaine's boss on Seinfeld host the Feud is pretty lame.

Hurdles day marches on

And continues to be very, very painful!

Hurdles day, post dos

There are just so many videos out there of hurdle fails.

Hurdles day!

Hey, y'all. Thanks to a lot of gchatting with Pete and watching of youtube videos, today is now Hurdles Day on OEIA! Get ready for a bunch of videos of people falling down.



Thanks, Pete!

Ophelia's Football Coverage Marches On!

Friends, awesome news - THE SKINS DIDN'T LOSE THIS WEEKEND!!! Sam was delighted. Of course, they didn't lose because they didn't play, but a person has to find silver linings in the wide world of sports. As for my team, the glorious New Orleans Saints, they steamrolled over the hapless Panthers, 34-3. WHO. DAT. Of course, I didn't get to actually WATCH that game because it was not broadcast in this fetid Federal City... so instead, I will share with you a highlight from a recent football game at Driscoll Middle School in Totally Badass, USA:



I think it's safe to say that kid will have no trouble getting asked to the Sadie Hawkins Dance this year. Or whatever it is kids do in middle school these days. Meth?

Playing catch up

Home sick today with a sore throat and the sniffles, but I feel guilty about doing nothing (thank you, Catholic upbringing!). I have about a million things I should be doing - work, cleaning pretty much my entire apartment, a boatload of things for the wedding, research on Randy and Evi Quaid (Pete has requested a post! I guess I am taking requests now?)... and yet all I am doing is catching up on the latest in fart news:



I think the dad is my favorite part.

Another Halloween costume

Thanks to good friend Ben for sharing this great costume idea! Slap some bread on yourself and go as a hot dog!


Ben, I hope you're already prepping this costume for yourself for next year.

Football - The Ophelia Coverage Continues!

I've not done my football recaps in several weeks, and I apologize. I know y'all have been weeping and rending your garments wondering when they will return. Well, I'm pleased to say that just in time for the Redskins to get beaten by truly one of the worst teams in football, I AM BACK!

Seriously, the Lions?! They are wretched! They ALWAYS lose! Sam's boss, Chef Buddy, commented recently that the Skins are really talented at helping other teams break their losings streaks and/or boost their otherwise dismal records. The Washington Redskins: Assisting Other Teams in Realizing Their Dreams!

In a much more interesting game, the Saints beat the Steelers 20-10!! I really enjoy the football recaps that Pittsburgh native and Steelers fan Dan Hopper does at Best Week Ever, and here is what he had to say about this one:

I found it hard to get too upset over this one, as the quarterback who made an unsolicited, unpublicized six-figure donation to the cancer center in New Orleans where my good friend works defeated the quarterback who I would not leave my good friend alone with.

LOLZ it's true! Drew Brees seems to be a really great person, and Ben Roethlisberger seems like a predatory asshole. When he loses, morality wins! GEAUX SAINTS!

A Recent Convo

With my mom, natch.

Me: Laura Bush was one of the speakers at the conference.
Mama: Oh, how was THAT?
Me: Eh. She was cutesy and pointless.
Mama: Well what did you expect? She's like talking toast.

I miss Halloween!

I never dress up for Halloween anymore. I used to really enjoy it, but now I'm too lazy to even bother. Probably my best ever costume was the year I went as an adult baby. My friend Pete diapered me in one of his t-shirts, I wore a toddler's shirt that said 'I love toy trains!' and I carried a baby bottle full of bourbon and water. There are photos of this, and I will share them with you when you're older. What was your best ever costume? I guarantee it was not as good as Snoop's this year:

I love to do lists

This seems as good a list of activities to follow as any! I mean, it's pretty much the average Tuesday afternoon for me anyway.

Via awesome new website The Hairpin.

The danger of judging people harshly

So here I was just sitting and listening to this AV tech guy jabber on his phone and thinking what a DWEEB this dude was. He was reminding me of this horrible man with whom I once shared an office for about a year and who shall remain nameless, and who was just the worst dweeb. This AV dweeb is at least nice and friendly, though. Office dweeb was mean and sexist and rude and also did not seem to bathe on even a semi-regular basis. But anyway, I was wrong to think that AV dude was a dweeb, because I just heard him say:

"It's really unfortunate that Wipeout is not on Hulu."

Turns out AV Dweeb is actually AV Kindred Spirit. High fives to you, fellow fan of things that are awesome!

Some cuteness before I go

I am about to head to the airport with the rest of the steno pool to go to Austin, TX for the National Preservation Conference. Fun Ophelia fact - I nerd out over old thangs! Anyhoodle, posting will be light while I am there, so I wanted to leave you with this ridiculously adorable image I found last night while cleaning out my email. My wonderful friend Whitney sent it to me some time back. I encourage you to grab hold of something before you look at THIS:


HOLY CRAP THAT IS CUTE!!!!!!!! Are you okay? Did you fall out of your chair from the cute? If you hit your head, please don't sue me. I don't have any money. And what I do have, I need for breast implants to properly fill out my wedding dress.

Some advice from the finale of Jersey Shore

I have always thought that Vinny ranks as the most intelligent of the Jersey Shore cast members.


I love being right!

Fears and laughter

I'm really scared of robots. I feel certain they will take over and kill us all. When you are afraid, it's good to laugh to take your mind off it. So I made up a joke:

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven was a robot.

Helpful Turns of Phrase

I'd like to share with you two sayings that I find really handy to have in my verbal arsenal. Both come, naturally, by way of my mother.

One of my mom's coworkers has a delightful way of classifying women who are wearing skanky or slutty outfits. "That girl," she says, "is either on the pole, or on the stroll." I've been doing my best to spread this system of classifying hos far and wide, and I encourage you to do the same!

The next comment is rather related - my great-grandmother Jack used it to refer to someone whose clothing was too small: "That looks like 10 pounds of ham in a 5 pound bag." Jack herself was a svelte woman, and was a firm believer in clothes that fit properly.

There you have it, friends! I hope you will take these phrases and use them in conversation - your next cocktail party, work meeting, or church potluck are perfect examples of times to do so. I guarantee they will be a huge hit.

The other thing keeping me busy

...is,of course, the wedding. Save the dates are in the mail, a wedding website has been started, and I hired a wedding planner to help me with a lot of the questions of decor, food, wine, and not looking like a tacky a-hole. Luckily, my taste in clothing is impeccable. I've been able to narrow down my dress options to two choices, but I am now at an impasse. Gentle readers, can you please help me decide which of these two gorgeous gowns I should wear at my upcoming marriage to one Mr. Sammy Sue?

Option A:

Option B:

What do you think, folks? Please share your thoughts in the comments. And remember - we're going for tasteful here!

I'm not dead, y'all!

Things have just been really hairy in the steno pool as of late, making it difficult for me to bring y'all up to date Bieber news and photos of cute animals and videos of people falling down. Several months ago, I did a Google image search for 'steno pool.' Oddly, this was one of the first things to come up:


Oddly, it kinda fits.

Keep on trucking, readers! I'll be back on my usual schedule of scintillating posts in no time.

Breaking Bieber News, Y'all

And this one is SERIOUS. Many thanks to Sydney for passing along this disturbing development.


Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

Be vigilant out there, readers.

This is me today

Cassie and I are NOT having a good day in the steno pool so far! Here is what our day looks like:

I love puns

And therefore, I love Yan:


Via Dlisted.

The Ophelia Movie?

If a buddy romp comedy was made about my life, I think it would definitely be called Dude, Where's My Corkscrew?

Halloween Idea - Slutty Baby

In doubt about what to put your 3-6 month old little gal in for Halloween? How about dressing her up as a slut!


Ugh, put it away, ladies - no one wants to see that! Naturally these costumes are for sale on Etsy, a super great place to find handmade nightmares.

The most secretarial thought I've ever had

I really and truly just had this thought:

"OMG, a new pack of Post-It flags! YES!!!"

And with that, I established myself as Queen of the Steno Pool.

Glee Recap, Ophelia Style - Week 3

Well, I'd love to recap last night's Glee for my devoted readers, but I'm too busy WEEPING, which I have been doing since Kurt sang "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" last night. Seriously, that scene was on par with the first 10 minutes of Up (WARNING: ONLY WATCH THE FIRST 10 MINUTES OF UP IF YOU ARE PREPARED FOR SOME SERIOUS SOBBING. I MEAN IT: FETCH ALL THE KLEENEX BEFOREHAND.) on the making Ophelia cry like a baby scale. This episode was great and amazing but also WOOF I was not adequately prepared to cry that much. One of the characters probably should have stepped out of the tv and offered me a hanky before Chris Colfer (SOMEONE GET THAT KID AN EMMY, SERIOUSLY) began to sing. Which one should it have been...


Ah, phew. I feel less sad now.

Biebs moves one step closer to world domination

He's seriously gonna wind up being the Grand Poobah of the Planet. From Deadline:

MTV is finalizing a deal to bring back its signature series Punk'd with teen superstar Justin Bieber as the new host...Bieber is currently the hottest music artist/personality for MTV's target teen audience. In addition to his skyrocketing music career, he recently dabbled into acting with a guest stint on the season premiere of CBS' CSI and parts in Saturday Night Live skits.

It might be advisable to wear a pot or a metal colander on your head, or perhaps some tinfoil. I'm pretty sure the next step for The Biebs will be mind control.

Sometimes, it's a good thing to be afraid

Who, as a kid, did not fantasize about swinging so high that you go in a full circle? I know I did, and it was one of my earliest tastes of those delicious moments when you contemplate doing something that is exciting and foolhardy. Luckily, I was a TOTAL WUSS as a kid and my fear overcame my desire to do something really, really stupid.



This young man should have been more afraid, perhaps.

Via BestWeekEver

Hump Day!

Oh, y'all, it's Wednesday. Thank ass, am I right? Halfway to the weekend! Shall we dance in celebration?



I sent this to my sister Goo last Hump Day, and she shared a wonderful story about her time in the Greenwood High School Marching Band:

When I was in the GHS band, one year we played T.L. Weston in Greenville, which was a truly thugged-out place. Their band played this song at halftime. The choreography was the lewdest thing I'd ever seen. They were practically having sex on the field. (Our director was not having that; we played the theme from "Aladdin.") When we left, the T.L. Weston kids threw rocks and bottles at our bus. All of this actually happened.

A quick internet search has shown me the sad news that T.L. Weston High School no longer exists, having been consolidated with another school. Another reminder that nothing gold can stay.

One of Ophelia's Heroes: Dan Savage

I don't really have any words that could accurately describe how great the It Gets Better Project is. Luckily, I don't need to - it speaks for itself.

The internet: There when you need it

I was having a bad day, and somehow the internet knew, and produced this video.



Thank you, internet! I can now tackle the afternoon with my chin up... and periodically twitching my nose.

I have always loved the Feud

...but maybe never more than now.



PS. This woman also had her work cut out for her... WTF is a para-educator?

Best photo ever of the day

It's not going to get any better than this, folks. It's all downhill from here.

More evidence that Arizona is the worst state

I have an irrational dislike for the entire state of Arizona, solely because someone for whom I don't care too much lives there. Because it produced this individual, whenever I hear someone talking about Arizona I think, "Ugh. Arizona is THE WORST."


Oh, looks like I am right!

Today is an extremely special day

Today is the day that Sydney was born. The importance of her presence in the world cannot be overstated. I truly cannot imagine my life without her, as she is my partner in crime. Look, here we are keeping it real and ADDRESSING THE HATERS:


She's a store bought woman, and she makes me sing like a guitar hummin. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SYD!!!

Fine print

A convo:
me: my stapler isn't working
does that mean i can go home?
Cassie: yes
it does
that is in our job descriptions
in the event your stapler doesn't work
you may leave

The most patriotic image ever

THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!


They do fly, apparently.

A happy video for Friday

If you're not familiar with Maru the Box Cat, he's a YouTube superstar who lives in Korea and likes to play in boxes. He is also fat and adorable. I'm kind of in love with him.



As always, the commenters on YouTube have some truly insightful things to say. Alert user dendara100 says "cats are good at streamlining their bodies and jumping." Well that is correct, dendara100! They sure are!

Good photo to have on hand

Just in case you need it. You know, in conversation. Or whenever!

Here's a dude in a beer box hat doing a dance

GEAUX LSU?

And that's all I have to say about that.

Glee Recap, Ophelia Style!

My main takeaway from last night's Glee is that apparently, this season is only about abs:


I am taking donations for lipsuction, if anyone wants to contribute!

These Glee tribute episodes are never that great. Don't get me wrong - any Glee is better than no Glee! But so often in the tribute episodes, the songs are shoved in with a paper thin storyline that just feels forced. At least in the Madonna and Lady Gaga installments the cast was presented with some material that allowed them the opportunity to stretch their vocal chords - all this one really did was remind America, in case we forgot, that Britney Spears can't sing. Is she a pop culture icon? Sure. Is she a 90s sex symbol? Yes, especially before that unfortunate weave started eating her head. Is she one of the better dancers I've ever seen? Absolutely. But she cannot sing, her songs are the product of autotune gone wild, and in a show about singing MAYBE A BRITNEY SPEARS TRIBUTE EPISODE IS NOT THE BEST CHOICE!!!

My goodness, I am very worked up about this, it turns out! I know how to calm down:


Mmmm, that's better. Next week on Glee: who knows, but I bet it'll be ab-riffic.

I'm not sure why I have not been following Snoop Dogg's Twitter

But I know I'm gonna start now! Right after this moment of silence.

Fun Ophelia's Mom Fact: My mother once referred to Snoop Dogg as "Snut Puppy."

Ophelia's Football Coverage - Week 3!

Well, it was a hell of a football weekend in the Sams-Whittington casa. And by that I mean the Saints lost in overtime after a nail biter of a game, but I couldn't tell you a damn thing about it because it was not broadcast up here in this hellish Yankee wasteland to which I've exiled myself. NOT COOL.

And, predictably, Sam's team managed to totally eff up a game they should have easily won. Rams - 30, Redskins - 16, DC - Tears.

So instead, here is a video my dear friend Ben sent me last week. Thanks, Ben!



See you next week, football fans!

Product of public school system makes billboard

...in South Bend, IN. This bit of breaking news was just sent to me by my mother.

Billboard has "pubic" mistake

Today really, really needs more corgis

How about 2 of them, playing in the snow?



Many thanks to blog Best Week Ever for brightening my day with these stumpy legged creatures!

Wanna know what kind of day I'm having?

This kind:

An actual thing that happened at work

Background info - Cassie is my officemate. Coworker 2 is a very nice person. Coworker 1 is a person.

Coworker 1: CASSIE!
Me: Yes?
Coworker 2: Coworker 1, that's Amelia.
Coworker 1: I'm sorry, Amanda!

TV Recap: GLEE!

Glee, the best thing to ever happen to my television, RETURNED last night, y'all! So much happened. So many songs were sung. So many hot moves were made. Here is my recap!


See you next week, folks!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bronx man finds 3-foot-long corn snake coiled comfortably on his toilet seat

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS OKAY

Football - The Ophelia Coverage Continues!

I know you are relieved! Here are my comments on FOOTBALL.
1) Redskins loss to Texans - :(
2) Saints beat some random team from the West Coast no one cares about - :) WOOOO GEAUX SAINTS WHO DAT DREW BREES IS HOT TESTOSTERONE OTHER MANLY COMMENTS
3) This:


Erotic.

And that's all I have to say about football this week. Back with more scintillating commentary next week, readers!